Help with ex-lover's girlfriend scaring me

[Faierie]

So, I've been a listener for over a year. I think this is my first post, though I've occasionally scanned the forums. I'll give a quick background on me, then the situation.

I'm in my mid-30s, was dx'd Bipolar over a dozen years ago. I relied heavily on MI Forums back then, it really helped me get through some rough times, and probably helped save my life. I had a husband that didn't want me on meds, we had small kids, who are teens, now. I left him, for many reasons, including hoping to get back on meds, but without insurance, that didn't happen until after my suicide attempt, which obviously didn't end my life. I got the right help, it was probably my 5th hospitalization, but at least this time, they didn't tell me I obviously wasn't "really" suicidal, and turn me away. Anyway, I eventually found my perfect therapist, who helped me find my way. After a couple of years, he "fired" me, because I didn't need his help anymore, although he continued to see me as needed, though I've since lost track of him. Between him and my best friends, who were family to me, I was eventually even able to go off of the meds I had been told I would need for the rest of my life. I've been on antidepressants on and off, as needed, but the depressionin the last 6 years or so is nothing, compared with what I used to go through. I recognize my manic episodes, which are also recognizable, and not what they used to be. They are probably not even something that would get me diagnosed with Manic Depression, even. It was a lot of work, and I'm not trying to minimize that, just want to keep this part brief. I still struggle with anxiety, but it's not quite the same paralyzing stuff I used to go through. But, if it was a 9 before, it can ramp up to a 5, now. It just usually rides at about a 2, and I can usually take steps to deal with it, or a half of a Klonopin will do the trick. I now deal with hiding from anxiety inducing issues, which I'm sure are part of being Bipolar, and also a side effect of learning how to avoid anxiety. I need to find another good therapist, and learn to actually face it, but that's for another day.

Today, I'm a software engineer, making good money, with a job I love. I'm single, by choice, becauseiI tend to make more mistakes with a partner, than without. I deal with chronic illness, currently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, although there's way more to it than that. I can barely work, and only because I'm determined not to lose that. But, I've been in a wheelchair for a couple of months now, hoping to get in to see a specialist soon. Not too relevant to what I'm here to talk about, but it's an overwhelming part of my life, and contributes to why I am single, as well.

So, on to the thing I need to talk about. I made friends with a guy we'll call Johnny, for anonymity. I was dumb, because I started falling for him, when he made moves. I actually thought he was gay, until the day I started to fall. By fall, I don't mean the way I used to, but I definitely had feelings. Oh, and I'm pansexual, sometimes called bisexual. Gender doesn't matter to me, and I don't fully identify as a woman, because part of me is male. Not as in sex change, just as in how I feel. I feel fully feminine in the parts of me that are, and fully masculine in other ways. I just don't believe in the gender binary, for myself.

Anyway, Johnny helped me move, and that's when I found out he was straight. We talked and talked, and he told me of the woman he lives with, who he painted as controlling and abusive. She wouldn't even let him admit they were more than roommates, despite a long relationship, and each having youngish kids from previous relationships living there. He made me think he was leaving, then. And also hinted that the relationship was open, at least by his feelings about non monogamy.

Nothing happened then, but soon he started talking to me romantically. Now, due to my fibro, and maybe my brain surgery 2 years ago, I have brain fog. So, things are fuzzy, I hope you'llbear with me. When things got romantic, I told him that I was totally interested, as soon as he got single. A couple of months went by, and we started talking more again. This would have been late fall, probably, with the earlier stuff late summer.

I ended up telling him that I liked him too much to be fuck-buddies, and insisted we didn't cross that line. We once made out, but I made him leave, because I didn't want to be in something like this, and I knew he was dealing with a very recent bipolar diagnosis, too. I tried to stay just friends, but eventually, I gave in to my hormones. I am not excusing any of my behavior, and when we did finally have sex, I made the decision ahead of time. As someone who is physically ill, and feels like relationships are out of my reach, because I'd stayed with one too many assholes for longer than I should have, I decided to stay single even before I was diagnosed with chronic illness. Not permanently, but at least for a long time. I sort of dated a few times, but my expectations and needs (you know, not the wrong guy or girl) made me leave each of those before they were committed. I also really didn't want to give anything in a relationship, because my energy has to be spent on just keeping my own life afloat. Part of fibro is not only constant heavy pain, but extreme fatigue. So, things that seem simple to others will wipe me out. And I am not willing to give up what social life or political involvement, or especially parenting skills, I spend limited energy on, to let someone into my life.

But, Johnny was a friend who started pursuing me, and it felt good, and honestly, I figured his primary relationship was fucked, anyway. It only happened a few times, before I realized that I was spending my energy on his emotions, and I really didn't want to be in love with someone who couldn't be a part of my everyday life. So, I backed off, and told him why. We stayed friends, but he didn't pursue me anymore, and it really was just a platonic friendship, and we didn't talk much. Eventually that dwindled to weeks between even saying hi. I kind of wondered if he'd ever grow a spine, and kind of worried that he'd want a relationship then, and wasn't sure I'd say no, but certainly didn't want to go there.

It had been at least a month, and then I suddenly got some weird messages, I think right at two weeks ago. His girlfriend, we'll call her Brittany, had found out. She was obviously upset, and used his account to tell me about it. I am fairly sure I've never replied to her. I ignored them all, figuring I'd let him take care of his own crap, and I wasn't going to get dragged in. We haven't been together since December (I think), and haven't even talked for a month, even then, it was nothing intimate, just random chatter.

I didn't hear from him until about ten days, I think this past Wednesday. But, I'd been getting angry messages from her, after probably 5 days of silence. She's obviously gone off the deep end, and I think she wants a rose from me, so she can go back to being ok with him. Since then, she's been messaging me most nights, always pretending to be him. I just don't reply. But, Tuesday night, I got a message with just ".". I had woken in the middle of the night, and not thinking clearly, or I wouldn't have replied at all, but I sent back a question mark. I went back to sleep, but I got a message from Johnny, which seemed actually to be him. I saw it when I woke, and spent some time preparinf a reply, basically detailing some of the things I event through, and the point was gonna he that he's swinging too far from avoiding responsibility for his actions to now accepting blame for everything wrong in their relationship and beating himself up to an extreme, and that I hoped that he'd be able to have some time accepting his mistakes, but also working with her to accept her mistakes so things could be honestly dealt with, if he really wanted to stay with her.

I didn't send it, or even finish writing, but he sent me messages basically saying sorry for what she was doing, that he loved me, and that he was going to try to make it work, and that she didn't have access to this account. I let him know that I wasn't going to send the reply is was working on, but didn't say much else.

The thing is, I'm still getting multiple messages per day from her, sometimes disguised poorly as being from him. I think she isn't sure what has happened, and is trying to get me to admit it, so she'll know I've gone back to just ignoring them. But, I'm not sure she's gonna stop, until something happens. I don't know of that means we fight it out online, or she comes to my house. She's constantly telling me what a horrible person I am, and trying to convince me how not special I was, and that I wasn't the only one, that he's cheated a lot, that he thought I was gross, that he just used me to get off, etc. But, if she really thought that, why is she still talking to me two weeks later? She could be motivated by wanting me to confirm that she's not the psycho that he painted her as, or that I'm not a threat to the relationship (though she knows it's been a while since anything happened, or that we even talked), but I don't know her, so I really can't make that judgment. Tonight she mentioned some photos that I'd sent him, and implied that they weren't private anymore. That could be her saying that he'd shared them (but I know that isn't likely), or it could be a veiled threat that she will.

If I could ask him, I'd want to know how "off" she really is, whether she's a physical threat, or if she'd try to smear me online. But, I have zero interest in talking to him. I don't want to make things worse for him, but I don't care enough to try to make things better for him, either. For all I know, he's even the one behind this, because I put a stop to the relationship, and made it clear that we could only be friends, and for now it needed to be a very distant friendship. But that's not what my gut says. I just know enough to know I don't know everything. I worry that she'll do something to bring my kids into it, or come to my house. If it's just these messages, I'm fine just ignoring them until she finds something else to obsess over.

I thought I was coming here for advice on dealing with her, but I'm pretty sure I know that I want to continue ignoring her, unless I have real reason to worry about what she'll do. I could easily write a small novel about the details, but I know that would take me days.

Anyway, if anyone has advice, it's certainly welcome. Otherwise, having a place to write about this, and get it off of my chest has been very good for me. So, thanks for being here for me to post.