I just can't cope

[Sir-knob-head]

-Imissmysun-

Very sweet thoughtful message. But. If I wasn't roaming this earth nothing would change people die daily. The only thing different is I'm choosing to. Not because I'm selfish. Not because I'm struggling. But because I am not built for this world. I can't handle seeing pain. I can't handle the shitty things others do to people. I can't handle isolating myself and then feeling lonely. I cannot handle pushing gently a relationship away because I cannot handle feeling loved. I cannot handle thinking about a future.
I want to remove myself from life in the cleanest way possible I don't wanna hurt other people because of my choice so jumping in front of a train isn't possible I didn't choose to be here. My parents did. Why can't I choose not to be here.....

I help others not because I feel good at it or enjoy it. Because I do both. But because fixing other people's pain is easier than fixing mine. I've hurt in so many ways that I use them for other people benefit

I'm tired of being forced to watch every one kill. Wound and destroy each other.
Race riots in America. People are people no matter what colour they wear

Isis killing in the name of God the same God that's purpose is to create heaven for them makes no sense

In the UK. Brexit. Fed up with fear mongers

Lbgt people discriminated against for them following their happiness. It concerns no-one else. Why do they have to 'come out ' straight people should come out to!

On a day to day bases. We fight to be top dog.
It won't ever end.

Society places these rules on us. Gotta succeed. Get married 3 kids. Everyone love you. Die old and graceful. The world isn't this perfect

All that matters is happiness. Live to create memories and happiness around you. only then can you really succeed in life

I want to opt out of this sick world. It's not fir me!

[Sir-knob-head]

As stupid as it sounds. I'm actually really fucking scared. Of being hurt. Of seeing someone else hurt. Of not being able to help someone in their struggles. you get the idea

[Imissmysun]

That is not stupid at all...

Helplessness, is the worst feeling, and not knowing how to help someone suffering is so hard for someone who wants healing so badly -

I get this very deeply as I am a fixer and I am attracted to damaged people - why? because then I will have purpose - I have been seeking that purpose over and over and suffering people need help - the problem being that I am a damaged person too - and I have not done a lot of the work on myself I need to do -

You cannot start to help others until you emtpy your inner cup of pain and hurt - you are so full of pain - and so much of it is not yours to carry - not alone anyway -

One of humanities greatest double edged gifts is free will it allows for amazing kindness and amazing depravity - we cannot control anyone else's free will - just our own -

You seem like a very spiritual person - what I mean by this is that you seem like you are much more comfortable in a spirual emotional non physical existence - that you feel almost trapped or too big that your physical realm does not fit you - its why you are so very effected by the emotions of others you have no boundaries up - its like being outside the earths atmosphere and letting space debris hit you at the enormous speed it travels at - it hurts a lot -

I get this because it is also one of my biggest problems - I am a sponge of others feelings and then I take them on - not only do I have my own stuff now I have random stranger A - and whatever pain they are feeling today - and so I do not really look at the news much I can't it is too much it all comes into me and invades me - so I have to limit my exposure or continually remind myself its not my stuff, that I can't fix other people's stuff honestly only the person feeling it can fix it -

My heart hurts for you - reading your post makes me feel helpless because all I want to do is help take a little of the pain away - I send you hugs - as many as needed - as many times as needed -

Just know you are not alone

[Beany Boo]

Yeah.

It's scary not having any control over any of that.

It's scary thinking you might be not able to get through it; for someone else; if you had to help someone; save them. Even if you didn't survive but they might; could you get it done?

But here's the thing. I was in a road accident a few years back. I was lying in the road unable to move and the blood was pooling in my eyes from where my sunglasses had shattered. The endorphins were tricking me such that I couldn't tell if I was dying or not, and I kind of didn't mind; all I knew was I wasn't moving; wasn't able to. And then into that moment; into my field of vision, a woman's face appeared and I feel her hand take mine and she says, "the ambulance is coming and I'm just going to wait here with you until it does."

The funny thing was I felt like I was care-taking her, because she was looking at the state of me but trying to sound calm and trying not to freak out.

But even if I hadn't survived, and here's my point, that woman did everything I needed in that moment. I'll never forget a stranger.

You can't stop the world going to shit. And it may go to shit.

But you can still respond to its unfolding, any way you want. You can keep responding, in the way that that time, you do. And show yourself, to yourself.

And fuck happy. Or right.

[Sir-knob-head]

I want to feel normal. I want to smile and mean it. I want to be able to cry. But I'm dead inside I stroll through everyday. With loads of ambition. But no confidence or drive to do it

I'm a level 1 qualified councillor I can work supervised as a councillor. But I can't. I wanna be a youth worker working with troubled teens I want to be a psychologist working with young people that have been emotionally physically and sexually abused.
I want to start a support group. For young people that feel they have no voice. I want to be an advocate for young people in criminal trials so they don't have to face it

All achievable. But I don't have the drive. This only makes my anxiety worse. Knowing what I want to do but don't know how to or the energy to do it

I have a saying about suicide. Most people who end their life have been dead inside for a long time. I have too. Feels like all my internal organs are turning black. Dying off its not an open and closed case. No one really knows about suicide. Most that know about it took it to their grave

Today's mission. Work on the motorcycle I'm rebuilding and ride my other one.

[Beany Boo]

I have a saying about suicide. Most people who end their life have been dead inside for a long time.

This surprises me.

For me suicidal thoughts are accompanied by an all consuming feeling of being altogether too alive; intolerably so. I think that's why when I've been in that state and I've tried to 'come back to life' it has only served to turn up the heat and the volume even more. In their neglect my parents left me boundary-less, unable to translate, accept, reduce, but most of all, fend off life's strangeness and cruelty.

I think if anything, for me, recovery has been about feeling less traumatically alive, but more than that, to live proceeding forward without any good reason for doing so; except, as you say, to feel and cry.

That's all I'll say.

Thank you, this is really helpful for me

[Sir-knob-head]

Awesome that this helps you. And your post was very good insight into others who think about suicide. I'm not sure I completely understand but what I understand I think makes sense

For me. I've been dead inside for a good few years. It's like a numb feeling and it pisses me off.

[Beany Boo]

Sorry, it's difficult expressing these things for the first time with any clarity. I've gone back and edited some of the 'prose' out of it. I struggle with words; I think it might be part of my pathology.

You've every right to feel pissed off, Sir-knob-head, having your life messed with like this for so long. And 'numb' in my vocabulary means 'defence against unclear but ever-present threat.'' It can also be a complex grief response.

I wish you well; for your own sake and for the young people you want to help through your counselling.

[Sir-knob-head]

Your recovery and what your recovery means for you sounds amazing. Thank you for taking the time to edit it

Right now. I want that. I want to explore life but I know royal now I'm on the up emotionally. It won't last long and I'll loose drive again. This is the hardest thing for me. I get stuck into something. Do well. Then drive and dark thoughts interrupt and I stop.
This was half the trouble with my psychology meetings I was on the up. she hardly saw the pitfalls and lows.

Life for me is a series of corners. Each day is a corner. I'm curious with each corner. Which takes me to the next day. It's not the greatest because I can't make any plans simply because I can't handle it. But it keeps me here in hope for a better day

[Beany Boo]

I'm taking some time AFK (away from keyboard) on the forum but I wanted to leave one more comment.

You probably won't believe me, Sir-knob-head, and I wouldn't blame you for it.

I think as plans, in the absence of any greater plan, go, edging around the next blind corner each new uncertain day, with your curiousity taking the lead, is an excellent one. It gives me hope to read that written by another person; saying it with complete honesty.