shitty, shitty weekend

[ifelldown]

this weekend has been utter shit, but it was like all the little elements of a bad day all snuck up on me until POOF.
on saturday night, my dad had a heart attack and my mom went with him to the ER. i stayed up with my sisters until 3am, but there wasn’t much news so there wasn’t anything to do, really.
i had a hard time sleeping, because i kept dreaming of bad things happening to my dad, and bad things happening to everyone i care about.
i got up just after 12-noon because my boss had called to see if i wanted to work early. (it’s my first day back since i have been on medical leave for my depression, and in an intensive therapy program).
i didnt take my meds, i didn’t have breakfast or a proper lunch, and nothing was going right.
work was shit, and i came home and i felt like i have to take care of everyone else — my mom is still at the hospital so i had to help my sister get up and make sure she gets on the school bus in time, and today i'm sitting around waiting for my new cell phone to come (well, it's SUPPOSED to come today but who the fuck knows).
and now i just feel like i have to check *in* with everybody but i dont have the fucking energy or the time for this.
im still alive and all but i don't see the point in it. and i can't call my program's help-line because they ban you from using it for 24 hours if you use a "negative coping strategy" aka cutting or addictive behaviors, and since I cut yesterday I'm not allowed to call them and anyways what good does it do, the last time i talked to a crisis line person they were SO fucking condescending.
i feel angry and i snapped at my (long-distance) gf this morning so now she is not talking to me and since i dont have a PHONE i can't text her, i just have to wait and see if she decides to email me or hop on skype.

[AndyLand]

I'm really sorry for all of it! Sorry is such a small word. I hope things improve for you but I'm glad you reached out here. Try to get some good basic self care going for yourself today if you can and get your meds. I'm sure there are reasons for the help line rules but that doesn't make it any easier when you need help and you are cut off. You sound like a very caring person. Hope dad improves quickly and your girlfriend will forgive you. I'm glad you could come here and vent. Many blessings.