I hope you don't mind me posting

[neufena]

I've been thinking about posting this for a while, I've even been thinking about posting on Facebook and letting my family and friends know.

I feel like I can't cope. I have so much going on in my life, nothing I do in life is working out, I try, I do 'cool' things. I fail.

What scares me is my daughter will be born in 3 months. I have a very limited time left to finally do something. Btw Paul if you follow these threads, book in my daughter for approx 16 years time, she'll be fuck up with me as a father. In fact I'm still not 100% sure if I should disappear when she's born, having no father may be better for her than having me.

Anyway, I'm walking round in a daze at the moment, keep making mistakes at work. I'm fantasising more and more about dying, wishing I lived in the US so I could get a gun.

I'm on meds (was on fluoxetine for 10 years, switched to citalopram about 6 months ago) and seeing an EMDR therapist (tho I missed an appointment and not heard about a re arranged appointment so looks like I fucked that too).

Not sure what to do, can't see where I go now. Life over, nothing left. My wife will never understand, my mates who I used to turn to are all having enough troubles of their own. It's only a matter of time till I make a really big fuck up and loose everything.

I'm fed up of disappointing people, I'm fed up of feeling unhappy, I'm fed up of not being alive inside, I'm fed up of everything.

Sorry to dump this on you all, unknown you have real things to deal with. Sorry.

[oak]

You're going to get through this. There is someone who is going to help you, and things will be better because of this person's help.

"If you need a helping hand, look to the end of your arm."

You're going to improve this situation. You're the man now, dog.

I'm going to ask you to do three simple things. You'll feel much better.

1. Go into the bathroom and splash cold water onto your face. Look into the mirror, really looking into your own eyes. That person is your hero.

2. Call your country-specific version of 211. Tell them what you told us.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_s ... isis_lines

3. Tomorrow when you wake up, shower and shave. Put on clean clothes and eat a good breakfast (very important). Reach out to your mates; you might be surprised how many are ready to help you.

Now the tough part...the tough love and reality time.

You are a husband and soon to be father. These are choices you likely voluntarily chose. These are responsibilities, obligations. You chose them, so it is time to face them.

Babies need to be fed, changed, rocked, and cooed over. No man on earth is better suited to do this.

Meanwhile your wife might require pickles and ice cream at midnight.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPjvDE-rKo0

Blunt advice, offered kindly:

If thinking was going to have fixed this situation, it would have worked by now.

Time for action, man. Less wishbone more backbone.

Reach out to your friends. Help your wife.

Eat a steak, punch a pillow, yell at a tree.

Since this reply is crowded with tropes, here is one more. Meditate on it carefully.

http://www.emersoncentral.com/selfreliance.htm

None of this is what you want to hear. I don't enjoy writing this any more than you enjoy reading it.

I am sorry you are in pain. I would relieve you of your pain if I could. The best that can happen is that you and your friends start to mitigate your pain.

One final bit of advice: Don't listen to a word I say. Don't trust it. Not 1%. Talk to five of your friends and if you start to hear similar advice from two or three of them, then immediately implement whatever we agree on. If no one else advises you to do what I have suggested, then it is a bad idea, that you would do well to ignore.

Good luck.

[neufena]

Thanks for replying. This'll be a quick reply as I'm waiting for the rest of my band to arrive at practice.

My challenges:

1) I haven't done this properly. However I have stared into my eyes in my rear view mirror and can't see a hero. I see an empty pair of grey eyes. I tried putting hand sanitizer gell on my face to be like cold water, still nothing.

2) I also haven't done this. For 2 reasons. A) I know how much the charities that man these lines in the UK are overstretched and i can't bring myself to add to their burden. B) I can't articulate myself well on the phone, I don't know what to say and make a fool of myself. I have in the past emailed support options but they take ages to reply.

Sorry guys have arrived, will finish later.

[neufena]

Sorry, I'm back.

3) I sort of did this. I got up, had a shower and some breakfast then went out for the day. There was no way I could reach out to the people I was with tho, I know they have so much of their own shit to deal with and are much more worthwhile people than me so their shit must come first.

Anyway thanks again for taking the time to reply. I will do my best to read the essay, it's hard to find any time to read such a long thing but I will see what I can do.

[Imissmysun]

depression is an insidious beast that steals your joy - it sucks things you love away from you and you are in the thick of it - and every day is an awful trudge...

yes speaking to people and being vulnerable is hard and it takes time and practice and there is no way to come out of where you are quickly you have too much trauma/sadness/heavy emotional weight on your head...

you are not a burden.. you are worthy of help... you are a human that has continued to live and breath and exist and I know very well how hard it is to do the simplest things when a bout of this illness hits you - your arms and legs and head are lead and even getting out of bed seems like it was an olympian effort -

I admire you for looking for help... You are in no way bothering anyone by posting - and trust me when I say I am going to send my children away to college with references on good therapists - I know I have damaged them - parenting is about making mistakes a lot of them and then taking accountability for your mistakes and loving your kids as much as you can - having a baby is a big change - but that baby is a part of you - it will reflect all the good things about you that you can't see yet -

Keep trying do a little bit every day

Even the smallest thing you do to improve yourself even though it seems like nothing is important to do - you will be the most important person to your daughter - she will love you in a way you can't even imagine.

I have a two year old - and getting his running hug when I get home from work is such a warm feeling and even if I feel ilke I did nothing to deserve it - he feels it - and he wants to share that with me.

If nothing else I urge you to keep journaling here - we are also a bunch of depressed screw ups and I am also learning new and better coping mechanisms than daydreaming and being a screw up and forgetting to pay bills or sign forms -

Humans make mistakes we are fallible - that makes us interesting - all those people pretending to be just fine and act like they are normal bore the crud out of me - I am a mess and I think other messes are art - you can overcome this - all of your experiences have led you here and we all have choices -

Keep telling us about your thoughts and your trials and journal your insecurities - you are validated - you are NOT a burden

[Elai-waitforit]

Your post made me cry! It sounds like you are struggling so much and your heart is breaking. I just want to highly encourage talking to your therapist, maybe talk to your wife because if she loves you she may not understand but hopefully she will love you and try to help you through it, and your daughter will be happy with a dad who loves her and tries his best. All you can do is love and try and help yourself. Kids don't need you to do something cool, they just need support. And if you still want to pursue your goals, you will be a great example for her! Keep swimming my friend. You can get through this.