Desperation

[TCBwithBPD]

I don't know how to do this. I feel so fucking bad. Are we allowed to swear on here? I don't want to die, but I wish so badly that I wasn't alive right now. I've never been suicidal before. I just don't see how much longer I can go on like this. I've been in a pretty bad depression (the worst I've ever experienced) for just under a year now. I've been seeing a therapist since last September and finally found a shrink who makes me feel like he can help, but things are not getting better.

I hate my life. I am married, but I do not love my husband. I don't have a job and haven't for basically the past five years because I've been following him around the country for his career. I want out, but I have no money. I apply for jobs, but have a pretty rough time. I am technically an attorney, but I'm not licensed in the state in which I live, and I find that I am usually horribly overqualified for any full-time job I apply for. I would work at the mall, but it wouldn't allow me to move out.

My mom refuses (literally) to acknowledge me when I tell her about my marriage, so I haven't been taking her calls for a week now. I really have no one else. A sister who has made it very clear that I'm on my own.

I don't know what to do. I'm finding it hard to basic things: cook food, clean, apply for jobs. I feel SO stuck, SO trapped, that I can't see a way out. I cannot go on as I am though.

Thank you for letting me write this. I don't have anyone I can actually talk to about any of this. I mean, how do you keep going when you tell your husband that you wish you were dead and all he says is "sorry," about 30 minutes later and then goes to play trivia? How do you do that?

[Beany Boo]

TCBwithBPD,

Good morning

There’s a lot to say here, but saying it and expecting you to read it and not reject it or be exhausted by it? It would be asking too much.

Expecting you to believe that I have been through this same experience might be a stretch as well.

There will be opportunity for discussion once you are safe again.

The only thing I will say is:

I need you to take a step forward, and ignore the consequences that you think will come, no matter how perfectly real you have made them in your mind. And, outright reject the belief that any step is just a step backward, or just a step further into the shit. There are other steps, more effective, that you don't need to control so hard.

Take a step forward and take a terrifying breath in and take a terrifying breath out, then take any aching pain, and then repeat. I need you to trust your sense of overwhelming danger and deftly, quietly and in the most orderly and dignified manner you can manage, march yourself out of this valley.

If you can’t, I am here. And yes you can use swear words. But you have to really mean them.

[Imissmysun]

Sweety I feel for you so completely,

I havebeen in your shoes, I have stared at a bottle of medicine daring myself to take them all and crying until I feel dry and empty - and not actually doing anything - feeling like I even fail at ending my life -

and as much as it doesn't seem like it - this horrible hole you are in cannot last forever -

About 5 years ago I was in a (hindsight) horrible relationship that I thought was my breath and purpose (my co dependence speaking) and I thought I was trapped and that I would never be able to leave (and I had a job) but after I just sat and really brainstormed I found a way out - was it ideal - no it wasn't - was it away from where I was - yes - and that is what allowed me to begin to gain perspective -

When you are in the trenches you cannot see anything else - and the thoughts are so cyclical and negative and hurtful that you cannot think outside that prison - consider all possibilities - join a support group - see what shelters are available - low or no income housing - a place to get yourself in a better place - ask your therapist to do some leg work for you -

There are options (even if they seem like it is the last thing you want to do) it is a step away from where you are - which is making you more miserable daily -

My heart goes out to you - I have tears for you and if you come to the point where you have a plan and you have total intent call the hotline at the top of the website- you are a worthy person your brain is not allowing you to see the sunshine right now - but its still there -

and you are not as alone as you feel right now - breath take a shower -

reading my post does not require a response - I know how draining depression is and it can be a bit before you feel like doing basic things -

I'll keep listening and if you want to know more about my story message me I will gladly share

[TCBwithBPD]

Dear Beany Boo and Imissmysun,

I'm so sorry for not replying to your kind and sort-of wonderful (in an awfulsome way, of course) responses to my desperation post. I honestly didn't even read them until today. I felt like coming back to the forum and seeing that either no one responded to my post, or that people responded kindly, but I was not able to respond to the responses because it felt too difficult...either way, I figured I was a loser. Even now I feel nervous about writing because I'm certain you both think I'm an asshole for not responding sooner. I guess I'm taking a chance...

I can entirely believe that both of you have gone through the same things that I have been going through. I don't feel like I'm special in any way. And I don't want to say that I'm happy to hear of others going through similar shit, so I *will* say that I am comforted by the idea. I feel like you both just gave me a big hug through the interweb.

You both spoke of options, taking a step away from where I am, and it sounds wonderful, but I can't even see the next step. There's a line from a song by my favorite band (Barenaked Ladies) that goes something like, "Standing on a crumbling wall, tethered to a cannonball." That's how I feel. I'm sinking and I'm thrashing about trying to get any distance away from the bottom and my thrashing is just making me sink deeper. That was like 6 metaphors in one; I apologize. I do feel like, overall, my new psychiatrist and med changes we're working on are going in the right direction. It's just so slow that sometimes I can't accept it. It's also SFH (so fucking hard...did I just invent that?) to be patient. The longer I go on and stuff just doesn't seem to be helping just reinforces my belief that I am not really sick, but just lazy.

I don't know what else to say right now. My brain is a hot mess. I think my therapy session yesterday was maybe the worst/best?/most emotional I've had, so I'm taking it easy on myself today. It's really the only time I can be compassionate with myself -- when my body forces me. I hope this isn't super confusing. I will write more as I can. I just wanted to thank you both for your help and for being there for me, when I couldn't be there for myself. I feel like crying. Thank you so much.

Theresa

P.S. I think this is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read:

"Take a step forward and take a terrifying breath in and take a terrifying breath out, then take any aching pain, and then repeat. I need you to trust your sense of overwhelming danger and deftly, quietly and in the most orderly and dignified manner you can manage, march yourself out of this valley.

If you can’t, I am here. And yes you can use swear words. But you have to really mean them."

Thank you.

[Imissmysun]

umm there is no such thing as taking too long to respond here - I reach out when I feel like I have something to share and if it is helpful and received as intended then I am happy - if there is a response that is awesome - if not then I assume that the person really needed some space - and that happens too -

I know anytime my emotional gates flood open I really just want to go into hiding for a while and opening up to us even anonymously was emotionally exhausting - you needed time to regenerate even what little energy you have - I have been told of myself many times you can't give energy you don't have - if you don't try to refill your reservoirs and do self care you can't put energy towards anything else - like even getting out of bed -

You are depleted - your depression has sucked all of it out of you - (thats what it does - it soaks up all the thought energy towards momentum and its really good at it) - the hardest thing to do - seriously this can be herculian is just starting to self care and replenish those reserves - I am so happy that your therapist is making a difference and that meds are starting to clear away the fog -

and you are not lazy you are suffering from an issue that took years and years and years to coalesce into what it is - taking a few months to reach even keel is monumentally fast when you think about it - *try* to be patient with yourself - thank you for responding only because I now know that you are in a better place - even if it is just a few steps away - it is better

[Beany Boo]

TCBwithBPD,

Good morning

You're welcome.