Suicide and synchronicity

[Tinyfiddle]

After a session with my therapist my tears returned in a flood after not being able to cry for a while even though I felt like it. I was having my cry on the way to work this morning and feeling so alone and really wanted to talk but it was 6 am and I also feel like I have exhausted the few friends I can confide in. It got pretty bad so I pulled over. I called with much reluctance the suicide prevention hotline. I don't have a plan in place currently and it has been a couple of weeks since I have had any ideation so I felt like i shouldn't call. But I so needed to talk to someone. It wasn't a particularly helpful experience. It helped to hear another's voice though I guess and I got back on my way to work

At work a coworker suddenly got a text from his dad that a childhood friend committed auicide last night. This of course prompted anothe coworker to report a friend had committed suicide recently. It is hard enough pretending I am ok with this depression at work. To have to listen and participate in the discussion of suicide was really unbearable considering it was already so hard to come to work today. I am exhausted. Wish I were home

[rivergirl]

Tinyfiddle,
I'm so sorry that you're going through this terrible time and feeling alone in your struggle.

I had an experience last week that was kind of similar to yours. I was feeling suicidal, went to work and had to listen to a loud coworker talk all day about her neighbor having committed suicide a few days earlier, in excruciating detail. A few days later, I was driving to work and flipping radio stations when I came upon a child's voice reciting what sounded like a poem about suicide. I was starting to think I was getting messages that I was supposed to commit suicide. Now that I'm starting to come out of the worst of my latest depressive low, I realize that my brain was just focusing on anything negative and magnifying it and personalizing it. It's really hard to see that when you're in the midst of severe depression though.

Later when I looked up the poem I heard on the radio I found that it was a commercial about getting help for depression, based on a song by Kendrick Lamar called "i" or "i love myself". He's a musician who has struggled with depression and the song is actually kind of beautiful and hopeful. I've been watching the video for the song on youtube the past few days.

I hope you can hang in there until you start to feel better, even though fighting depression is so exhausting that it's tempting to think of giving up. I'm glad you're still seeing a therapist and reaching out for help and posting here.

Sending you hugs,

rivergirl

[oak]

Hey TinyFiddle. You did the right thing, several times over.

In fact, you may be a bit further along than you are giving yourself credit for.

I am very pleased to hear you took the actions of pulling over and calling the helpline. Very well done.

True, the call wasn't all that great. Sometimes implementing actions is more important than achieving a specific outcome.

As far as the disturbing conversation your coworkers forced you into: been there myself. As I see it, they pay me to get things done, not have inane or harmful conversations. Here is my failsafe way of getting out of bad work conversations (other than just walking away, which can be pulled off if you act like you just remembered that you have something to do):

Make a weird face, hold your stomach and ask if they'll excuse you for a minute. While this is not super-classy, it is fairly believeable: stomach distress can come on suddenly, and no one really wants to ask too many questions. Then you can go to the bathroom, splash some water on your face, and compose yourself.

As far as synchronicity, I'd be careful: there is a lot of downer crap in our culture today. Correlation vs. causation, in other words.

Hang in there. I think you're doing lots of things right.

[Beany Boo]

I've learnt that suicidal thoughts are your mind's way of telling you that you're out of your depth; and that you're not getting what you need out of your current life. The thoughts themselves are in fact, resistance; resistance to swimming to a distant shore across open water, as it were; or to daring to wonder what it is you need now in order to live. You're kind of moving across terrifying territory but minds are biological, responsive; given time and opportunity they evolve and adapt. You need to allow for that. The physiological and psychic pain; the tension, heartache, the doom, is bearable if you're doing what you can to get to a safe place and are open to entering the life you now need for yourself. If you stay where you are, not moving, it will pile up. You've got to trust your instincts, like properly trust them, and that your body knows what to do.

Helplines are there simply to help you stop spiralling. Once you are out of the spiral you can continue on your albeit difficult way.

People will talk about suicide to distance themselves, show they 'know' about it - because it is scary - but end up referring to it in a pejorative way; they end up excluding people who have firsthand experience. It's important to talk about it. But it requires that you know what you're talking about and that you know what your words are saying to people, and the weight they carry.

It might feel like you're walking a tightrope without a net. Just keep walking. Keep in mind there may be times when you have to walk really slowly, edging forward and times when you'll have to leap without hesitating.