Feeling hopeless

[Magicalthinker]

I don't want to bring anyone else down with this, so please ignore if you're having a hard time. I just didn't know what else to do right now and all I'm able to do is write my thoughts.

It's Christmas Eve and I'm here in PA with my mom, where I've been for the past few months since moving back from Boston. This year I watched one of my best friends die from her eating disorder; at the same time I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that mirrored my mom&dad's relationship (gross) and left me questioning my own reality. I could go into all the fucked up things that happened in the midst of that relationship, but that's not the point.

The point is I did the hard stuff. After my friend died, I escaped my relationship, moved to PA and cut all contact with my ex (who I still love), quit smoking, cut way back on drinking, and have been running 4x a week. I'm in therapy and on meds. I am doing everything I can to heal, and I still feel so empty inside. I'll be 32 in a month and I've been fighting this disease my whole life. I feel like I'm losing. As I get older, my brain just gets more ammunition for why I should give up...accumulated failures, reaching a biological deadline on having kids, seeing my imagined timeline for achieving dreams dwindle away, being miserable and dragging other people down, being a drain of resources and a carbon footprint in a dying world that is not contributing anything to saving it.

I'm also grieving the lost relationships in my life, including the irreparable one with my abusive dad, who I haven't spoken to in years. My heart aches for him because I know he's so alone, and I want to help him but can't. And I see myself turning into him...miserable, stagnant, self-hating, trusting no one.

I don't think I can do this much longer. the pandemic and the selfishness it's illustrated, the injustice in the world, the fact that our planet is changing irrevocably and nothing's being done, the sheer weight of being human and aware of my own impermanence...it all feels like too much to bear. That's leaving aside the childhood trauma I can't let myself talk about because a lot of it feels really gray area and gross...but it makes me feel guilty for living with my mom because my dad used to play us off against one another. He always considered me his kindred spirit.

I feel like I'm waiting for permission to give up. I know it gets better for a lot of people, but I don't see that happening for me. I just want to leave. I'm so sad because I really wanted to live a good life, but I just don't think I was wired for it. I often wished when my friend was dying that I could take her place. She appreciated life, she was madly in love with her partner, she deserved so much to live. Ok I'm rambling now so I'm just going to stop. Thanks to anyone who read this. I hope you're doing ok and have the support you need during this difficult time. <3

[oak]

Hello and thanks for sharing.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Eating disorders are very difficult situations.

Congratulations on quitting smoking! That is a real accomplishment.

I'm glad you got it all out. Hang in there.

[Beany Boo]

I’m definitely having a hard time. But sharing your’s lightens my burden. You’re so articulate about it.

Part of what leaves me drained is reassuring other people. That doesn’t mean I can’t still offer support and company.

It certainly helps to talk honestly about it. A lot of energy goes on pretending everything is okay, when it wasn’t.

I’d offer advice but I’d only be doing it to feel useful, and I don’t.



If you can receive the well wishes of someone who is also struggling then I wish you well and I appreciate you sharing in such a vulnerable way.

[brownblob]

I have no advice. All I can say is you are heard and life sucks sometimes. I hope 2021 is better for you.

[rivergirl]

Hi Magicalthinker,

Don't worry about bringing anyone down here. People can always choose not to read, and I think almost everyone on the forum has been in some very dark places at times.

I'm sorry you're going through all of these painful and difficult experiences. You're dealing with so much recent change, loss, and grief right now that it makes sense that you would feel like giving up. I think there's an aspect of grief where it can feel wrong for the world to go on without the people that you've lost.

You're doing a lot of positive things .. therapy, medication, exercise. I know it's difficult to keep doing those things when you're still feeling so bad, but I hope you can give yourself a little credit and compassion for how much you've been through and the efforts you're making.

I hope you'll keep posting here if it helps even a little bit. There are some really caring people here.

Wishing you some moments of peace during the holidays.

rivergirl