I just went through a pretty dark two weeks because the holidays are a miserable time for me. I also work in social services and throughout the pandemic it has become more and more challenging for me to effectively do my job, I have become increasingly frustrated with systemic barriers and faced with a lot of vicarious trauma and death. I genuinely hate seeing my parents, and we couldn't see my little cousins who are the one bright light for me in every family gathering.
Immediately after that it was a full two weeks in bed immobile and drinking bottles of boost (I don't know if that's only Canadian? but meal replacement shakes) because I could not physically move myself to do anything but open the fridge. I've lost nearly 10 pounds in the past few weeks or months in lockdown and feel fully disconnected from my body. Luckily I had 2 weeks booked off work for the holidays because my initial plan was to travel.
Point being- and of course this is individual and situational- but I watched the move Jojo Rabbit and although the subject matter is of course tragic, I found it so beautiful and reminiscent of the resilience of humanity. I also had a few (fucked up, I'm aware) thoughts around it afterwards wishing that I lived in a time or place where I was experiencing hardship and a more 'real' struggle to physically survive (ie. rationing food so my family does not starve, hard physical labour with little reward to take care of those that I love). I feel that sometimes when there is that type of struggle, you don't have time to focus on rumination and spiraling into 'what if this job and this house and this family wasn't my calling and I made a mistake and I have all the opportunities in the world and I've floundered them'. We are a society that is never content, and always wants more. "This is known as the hungry ghost realm where we have made an occupation out of craving. We can never find satisfaction, it is like drinking salt water to quench our thirst." It's a more simple life, in some ways, to live in a society where you aren't being constantly bombarded with these ideals. Our focus on individualism vs community, to me, has created our misery. I fully feel like that statement might piss people off and I realize that it's a selfish privileged way to think in some cases. I only-too-well recognize that people struggle in Western society with poverty, but because of our societal views there is so much more pressure and shame placed on them because of this. Some of of the people that report the highest levels of happiness are those that we would perceive as having nothing, but they have their basic needs met and they support each other in community.
ANYWAY. Rant aside. The movie moved me in a way that most dark, 'life is misery', type movies do not and really put things into perspective for me.
The quote at the end gave me a truly intense sensation of fully body chills.
Let everything happen to you:
Beauty and terror.
Just keep going.
No feeling is final.
No feeling is final. As much as I can be aware of that logically, combined with the subject matter and the way I felt after watching that movie, it really stuck. My depression was lifted (not entirely, but enough that the shift was very clear to me). It was a physical moment of pure relief, goosebumps throughout my whole body- which I'm sure anyone with depression has experienced. Not that I'm happy, but the relief of not feeling empty is euphoric in the moment.
My typical go tos for my mental health are maintaining regular meditation and exercise, and that just wasn't in the realm of possibility for me in this state. This is my experience, but I truly hope that you all find that moment where the veil clears for a bit.
Love you all. Feel free to reach out. Glad this community exists.
