Taking steps

[rivergirl]

Beany, I felt that you were offering me a kind of acceptance, even if I had done something hurtful. I didn't see it as you making the judgment as to whether or not I'm a bad person or have done hurtful things to my sister.

snoringdog, I suppose we're all schmucks behind keyboards here, but I do appreciate the insights, empathy, and camaraderie I've found on the forum. It certainly has limitations, but I'm grateful to everyone here nonetheless.

I know that nobody here is asking me to defend myself, but I don't think I was ever actually harsh with my sister, and I always wanted her to be well. In defense of myself, to myself, without excusing myself for some of the regrets I have, there were some mitigating factors. Some of those factors: I was trying to climb my way back out of my own severe depression and anxiety. I had largely been the only one of my four siblings taking care of the needs of our elderly mom for a long time at that point. My sister's condition caused her to isolate herself in her apartment and not to be willing or able to accept some of the professional help that my brother and I did try to arrange for her. My sister's lack of financial resources limited her options for treatment, and it's unclear to me even now what I could have done that would have actually affected the outcome of the situation.

I'm heartbroken about this but I'm not sure that punishing myself about it helps anyone. Thank you again for listening.

rg

[rivergirl]

Again, this is mainly me struggling with myself, but I don't want to excuse everything I did regarding my sister.

The last two years before her mental decline, we didn't get along and had many heated arguments that I now deeply regret. I used to never get emotional or angry with my family, but about five years ago that changed and I feel like at times I didn't even know myself any more.

I also now think that my sister probably had undiagnosed mental illness (especially anxiety and OCD) her whole life, and I failed to understand that. I was judgmental about aspects of her life that she may have had little control over. Until she was diagnosed with OCD about a year ago and I started to research the condition, I had no idea that it could lead to such extreme behavior changes. I was ignorant and I'll always regret that.

[Beany Boo]

I think it’s fair and not debilitating to pull yourself up on those things you felt you could have done better.

It’s harder to hold and pass through those feelings when you’re also, also struggling.

Sometimes you want healing relief to come so much you start punishing yourself for being so impatient.

It’s a conflict but okay.

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Beany. I hadn't thought of it this way, but perhaps I don't need to attempt to hold and process those feelings right now. It seems that getting by day to day may be all I have the capacity for in the near future.