This week

[rivergirl]

Hi nightcitysong,

It's good to hear from you, and thanks for asking. I've been wondering how you''re doing as well. Are you feeling any more peace about the situation with your ex?

I've been having an awful time in some ways, and yet a couple of strangely nice things have happened in the past couple of weeks.

I met someone online that I really like. He asked me to meet for coffee this weekend and I actually said yes. I don't know if he'll show up, and if he does it may be a disaster, but just the fact that I've had the courage to keep communicating with him is surprising to me.

I've also joined an online group coaching program for people with eating disorders. I've been dieting (including fasting) since I was 8 years old, and overweight since I turned 40, and I finally admitted to myself that there's no next diet or fast that's ever going to fix my issues with food and with my body image. I know this is only the beginning of a long process, but so far I'm feeling lighter, as though I just put down a burden that I've been carrying for decades.

rivergirl

[snoringdog]

Hello Rivergirl,

That's wonderful news! I'm so glad for you!

Wishing you well

SD

[Beany Boo]

I am happy that you are finding steps to take rg.

[oak]

RiverGirl, thank you for sharing. You are demonstrating amazing amounts of courage. You should be proud. I know I am.

And yes, it is possible he doesn't show it. While possible, hope triumphs over experience (at least my experience!), and I think he'll show. And if he does show and it is a debacle, at least you get an interesting story!

Well done for reaching out to the ED group. Please do keep us posted with that. That may well merit its own thread, to the extent you feel comfortable sharing.

All in all, you are doing great. You are suffering at the same time, of course: this is a long week. But a (hopefully) successful date can break up the weekend.

No matter what happens you are already a success.

[rivergirl]

Thank you all for the support. With your encouragement I got through the date yesterday and it did feel like a success in a way to have followed through.

The guy I met looked very different than in his photos and I wasn't very physically attracted to him. It made me feel like the person I thought I was messaging online doesn't exist. (This is why I wanted to be sure that my own photos were recent and accurate). But we had a lot in common and he was very kind, and now I find myself back in a really uncomfortable place I'm remembering from earlier dating experiences. I didn't let him know while we were together that I wasn't interested, and allowed him to hold my hand, etc. and he's already texted me this morning. I'm also so lonely that there's a part of me that is desperate for the attention and connection.

I'm feeling complete despair this morning. Maybe it's exhaustion from the new experience of dating again. Maybe I just don't have what it takes to hold on until something feels better again.

[rivergirl]

Just wanted to apologize for the negative post above. I feel like I should be more of an adult and deal with life, without complaining and seeking validation from other people.

[oak]

... and it did feel like a success in a way to have followed through.

One addition: not only did it feel like a success, it was a success. I am very proud of you. Such courage.'

And yeah, it is indicated to let him down gently. You can (and should) do so for any or no reason. Not looking like his profile picture is a good proximate reason as any.

Also, I frequently feel depleted or "hungover" the day after dancing: being around feminine energy, or masculine energy in your case, is something that someone can really get used to, and miss when it is gone. Plus, just like jury duty, a date is an intensely emotional experience. Many emotions, of a great variety!

Which is all just a long way of encouraging you to take it easy today. You've been through a big experience. While I am not any expert on dating dudes, I do see men everywhere, and surely (1) many of them are good men and (2) some proportion of those good men would be glad to go on a date with you. Besides, you've proven that you can attract one man, so it stands to reason that you can attract another, and another.

In the meantime, enjoy the satisfaction knowing you've demonstrated great courage.

[manuel_moe_g]

So proud of you, RiverGirl, even if your date wasn’t all he was cracked up to be.

Hard to follow Oak’s awesome post, just wanted you to know we are proud of you for doing this difficult thing.

[Beany Boo]

Hi rg,

There doesn’t seem to be anything out of the ordinary in your reaction. Also you don’t have to do anything. You don’t owe this person anything.

Take time to recover and review. Take a breath.

And trust your own judgement. It looks like it’s working well.

[rivergirl]

I'm not sure I deserve this much kindness, but many thanks for the replies.

Your plethora of smilies actually did make me smile for the first time all day, Oak. I didn't expect this to be such an emotionally and physically draining experience. It's somehow comforting to know that as a guy you've experienced this too.

Thank you for this, Beany: "You don’t owe this person anything". I hadn't realized until I read your comment that I was feeling like I did owe him something, perhaps even a second chance. It's a familiar old slippery slope for me: it's my fault that I let him touch me too much and let our date go on too long, so I gave him the wrong idea and now I owe him more.

Today I still had the date hangover plus more work stress from upcoming personnel changes, and by the end of the day I was in full despair mode. Reading these replies gave me some perspective, and things don't seem quite so dark now.

Thank you again, Oak, Manny, & Beany. You're the best.