Observing my grief for the first time

[The Used]

PLEASE DONT READ THIS IF YOU ARE SUICIDAL AND EASILY TRIGGERED


I used to wonder why I suffered from depression when I always felt so numb. If you cared enough to ask how I was, If I was being honest I would say I don't know.
The wiring between my body and brain was faulty in that way it is for some of us. My mother would tell me to talk to let it out and I would say ok just to appease her or because the notion of expressing myself was as difficult as digging ditches for twenty hours strait or punching myself in the face,
So why did I suffer if I was so numb? Isn't numbness the lack of suffering or anything else? Isnt ignorance bliss? Many years later for some reason I read a book on meditation and It made me feel good; by this time I had been through a tough part of my life and had melted down. I didn't work for a year. The meditation instantly improved my condition, to the point that I became convinced that it would cure me. It didn't cure me but it is still an important part of my life. I see now why the numbness still had an aspect of pain to it. Like I said there was a mis wiring. My brain wouldn't allow me to feel the depth of my pain because I couldn't walk talk eat breath if I felt it. But the depression would come through in spats like a short in a set of headphones. In quick loud painful bursts my depression would process like a black burst of antimatter in my brain. Its fleeting painfull wave could put me on my ass for a day.One minute I could be talking , smiling, being social, when one of these painfull bursts of black energy would hit and I would literally be holding my face in my hands.
Meditation, the type that I was doing can put you in touch with these feelings. It can repair the shorting wire. This is both good and bad, because to feel better eventually, I think you need to feel your emotions. Thats such a simple thing to regular civilians. But to me and probably some people like me feeling your emotions is as alien as speaking Latvian. (Not sure if this is actually a language). But the relief and gains I got from meditation also had a downside. The depth of pain, the deep abyss of melancholy would sometimes hit me with unbearable intensity. I remember taking a shower one day and becoming completely overwhelmed with the most intense sadness I'd felt since the death of my mother. Obviously this was untended to grief from years before. The depression overcame every cell of my being with a palpable painful white hot pain. It was the worst pain I'd ever felt. Id had the worst thoughts us depressed people can feel before, but today I feared I couldn't control it. It wasn't just an ideation but a a quickly intensifying directive, for the first time I had to tell myself that I can't trust myself with this feeling and with these thoughts. I felt like I'd be swept up in the storm like fragile glass figurine and there wont be a single shard large enough to show you what I was or that I ever even existed.
What did I do? I somehow stuffed it back in. I don't even remember exactly. I vaguely remember drying myself off and trolling the internet. I somehow found a way to achieve that disconnect I talked about before . Like I've said I've had the thoughts. I've even had a fake attempt. But if I didnt stuff all this stuff back inside I think I'd be dead. I don't know if this is healthy or helpful it's just what happened. I'm getting better lately. I'd say I'm at about a 5 now up from a negative ten. Feeling your emotions is difficult. When I observed my pain I felt as if I suddenly had eyes to see the pain I was in without coping mechanisms to help me deal with that pain. Now I'm in a support group. Meds dont work unfortunately and I dont have the cash for a therapist. But I'm reading a lot of self help books and I'm just starting to feel better.

[DeCreate]

I agree that feeling your feelings is important. I've always been the opposite of you--I feel everything intensely. I have to intentionally dissociate just to function sometimes.