Unemployed and Feeling Lost

[MarcD]

Back in August of this year, 2014, I was laid off of my job. It was a place I worked on and off for 4 years. At the time I was let go, I had been there for three years straight. It was a family owned security company, the kind of place that because it was a family owned place it played fast and loose with the rules. The kind of place where the people who yelled the loudest (and there was a lot of that at times) had the most authority. It was extremely stressful at times, and for most of it I was on and off medication for major depression. At some points I thought of killing myself because I just didn't know what else to do. Thankfully, that never happened.

When this happened, I was actually excited. I had started over a year ago my own business that I'm passionate about, a one man puppet company. I had been getting gigs here and there every other month or so. I thought that this, THIS was the best thing to happen to me. I didn't have to work my shitty job, I could take the work I was passionate about and really make a go of it. I wound up qualifying for unemployment, for an entire YEAR, and the checks each month would pay for all my rent and about 80-90% of my bills. I had a small bit in savings, a little over $1,000, and each month till the end of the year I had SOMETHING booked in puppets. This was going to work! I would just concentrate on my passion and I could do it for a YEAR until I had to get a real job, and only if I needed to. I also wanted to take a BREAK and give myself a vacation from all the shitty stress and crap my old job had put me through. I bought tickets to see comedians that were coming into town, treated myself to eating out instead of cooking. I felt I deserved this.

Then doubt started to creep in. I wasn't getting many other bookings. Possible clients I could have sent promotional material to, but never thought I'd be dependent on needing this to be full time work, had already made their choices for the holidays months ago. I was only to get one show booked each month. The money I had saved started to dwindle and eventually I put a cap on my spending, so that I now had only $400-$600 in-between unemployment checks. The unemployment only allowed for the necessities to be paid for, but nothing left for savings. I wondered and started to worry that I was burning a bridge between my current life and "civilian work'. That the longer I stayed unemployed, the harder it would ever be to find a regular job if and when I NEEDED it. What if this business wasn't going to be able to support itself when the unemployment ran out? What if I REALLY needed to fall back on something? Am I just screwing myself over? What do I do NOW? Part of me started kicking myself hard for taking over three months to have a break and gather my thoughts, and the money I spent to feel better.

Now, it's the middle almost the end of November. I've been sending out email resumes like crazy. I've gotten a few call backs for interviews, but they're for places that are out in the far away suburbs and I don't have a car (it really sucks when job ads swear they're in the city and it turns out they're really miles and MILES away). My budget has gotten tight and I've become VERY aware of how much money goes out with each dollar spent. The jobs I scroll through either look like scams to prey on the jobless, are too far away for me to commute to, or the pay is so so low that it's less than my unemployment and offer nothing in the way at all of benefits.

I feel like my wheels are spinning, that I'm stuck in this rut. That months earlier I thought I had everything figured out, and now I just have so many doubts and questions. I'm starting to see a therapist again (going in for my second session tomorrow) and I'll be back on meds very soon. I keep going up and down from being hopeful, like last week, and low and horrible and feeling that I'm getting no where like this week. Earlier today I was trying to type and just started crying at the drop of a hat. It doesn't help, after talking with a friend with experience in hiring and HR, that most companies slow down/stop their hiring around this time of the year so that training doesn't get interrupted by people taking time off for family and other holiday commitments.

I just feel lost. I'm trying to move forward, but it feels so damn hard. Part of me just keeps kicking myself, saying I should have done something months ago, not spent as much as I did, that I'm giving up on my passion and dreams by looking for a regular job NOW. It feels like I can't win.

[oak]

Excluding the illegal and the immoral, are you willing to do anything?

If yes, are you willing to do it today? Right now?

If yes to both, i can give you suggestions that will help you immediately.

[oak]

Also, so i can tailor my advice, should you be interested in it, do you identify as male? (Job search clothes depend on gender)

[MarcD]

To a degree I'm willing to work. I say that because I only have a certain amount of experience in certain areas of work life. Also, regular heavy lifting and work I can't do due to a health issue. I'm also male that identifies as male.

[oak]

I see. If/when you get desperate, let me know. In the meantime you can read what color is your parachute. It is great. Hang in there.

[MarcD]

What do you suggest if I get desperate?

[oak]

Action. If things get bad, pm me. There is a way out.

[RoxWins]

I am feeling the same as Marc. I have almost the exact situation. I left/was fired from my job in July of this year after being employed for 5.5 years. I was a nanny, personal assistant, and an employee of my boss' company. I did so much for him over the years and did not feel any appreciation from him. It got to the point where he did not value my input, and would not let me advance in the company. When I left I had other clients I worked with and was able to almost sustain my income after I left. Then ebola scared everyone, and many of my clients did not need my services starting in mid-October. Now I am making about a quarter of what I made previously. I applied for unemployment, but I am not sure I can get much help there. I have been applying to jobs as well, but in line with what Marc said many of the posting I see seem like scams or are less money and no benefits. At this point I am willing to work nearly anywhere. I have applied with staffing agencies which all tell me I have great skills, but it is hard to find jobs in my pay range. How can I have excellent skills and be a great candidate, but not worth what I was making before?? I have also applied to a university for my second bachelor's degree, but am having a hard time/don't want to write the Statement of Purpose that goes along with the other wise very simple application that took my 30 minutes to complete. I am also having a hard time writing cover letters to job applications. Why is all of this necessary??? Why do I have to explain why I want to go back to school in a creative way??? Why can't I just say, "I want a second degree in order to gain a better career, and I am paying you $300 a credit hour to take online classes!" Why do I have to try to be friendly and tell someone "whom it may concern" my whole life story to apply to a job??? I want to pay someone to write these essays and cover letters for me, except I don't have any money.

What can I do??

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello RoxWins, welcome to our little forum.

Forum tips: You can keep up with all activity on the forum by clicking “View active topics” under the main Board index. And when you post, you can subscribe to the replies by clicking on “Subscribe topic” at the bottom of the page – this also allows you to subscribe to new replies of any topic that interests you.

I read your post and I honor your sense of pain. Please keep trying, you deserve success.

All the best, cheers, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow, RoxWins.

[BooksAreNifty]

Job hunting is so stressful. I wish you both the best of luck!