Anxiety: Inviting people out

[oak]

I've not been on a date in longer than I care to admit. Okay, 3 years. And I've not had a real girlfriend in 9.5 years (yikes! feelings of shame!).

(See? I used my words. I am only as sick as my secrets.)

This summer I am going to start to invite out people I am attracted to. I've heard that if someone invites out 100 people, ten will say yes to a date. Of those ten who agree to a date, four will show up. ergo: 100/10/4. (invites/yeses/show up)

I don't know if this is true, but I propose to find out. To face my anxiety I am going to invite people (ie women) out, and report back here.

I know there will be a moment where I want to invite someone out, and then talk myself out of it due to anxiety. When this happens I'll remember my pledge here.

Also, I am taking this awesome anxiety medicine, buspirone, so I suppose I should feel less anxiety. We'll find out.

Here is my tally so far:

1/1/?

(Though this was not officially set up as a date, it basically is. If she shows up that day, this will read 1/1/1. If she doesn't, it will read 1/1/0.)

[Imissmysun]

I really hope that things start swinging in a positive direction for you - you have so much insight and care and compassion - Again I know a lot of women really don't know what we want we head towards what is familiar and if you have listened to this show our dads are either - abusive - overly innappropriate or emotionally distant - so the first thing we turn to is the familiar - it takes time for the brain to wake up and say hey! wait a minute I don't like this pattern I need to change it and find someone who is not this archetype - you will find one who has become enlightened - who wants stable comapassionate - nonaggrassive - and emotionally available she is out there

Good Luck and I am glad that you didn't have to "bug out" during convention week - personally the first time you wrote that I thought you were talking about calling an exterminator and I really had no idea how that related to the rest of the post - (I'm a little slow sometimes)

[oak]

Thank you, Imissmysun, for the perspective/reminder that some people in the dating world gravitate to the familiar. I have been dismissed/overlooked, sometimes explicitly, because I am, no joke, told to my face that I am "too nice".

I now speak without regard to gender or sexual orientation: Some of my friends, great people, are in the same situation: nice/kind/thoughtful, well-dressed, polite, go to work every day, try to do the right thing. It makes me really sad when they are rejected and abused in relationships.

What I do know, for sure, is that eventually each of my kind friends who have been cruelly used by one awful person, then rejected by them, will someday soon be spotted by a kind person who recognizes goodness when they see it. This new person will start dating my friend, and predictably things go great. Meanwhile, I've seen the cruel rejectors end up lonely, and I don't feel sorry for them. I've seen this time and again. Karma is real. Real real.

Also, don't feel "slow" for not intuitively understanding what a "bug out bag" is. It is not readily apparent what it is from the name. I am going to talk about my bug out bag when I wrap up my convention-anxiety thread in a moment.

I have a mental list of people to invite out.

I've many times, in this forum, encouraged others to "use their words". I've practiced in this in (almost) all of my affairs: family, work, daily living.

Except in dating!

I would notice signals someone is interested (and there are only five signals, and they've never changed: just look at art from 500 years ago) and then do nothing. Nothing!

I am going to do better. I am going to use my words to advocate for myself in expressing who I am interested in inviting out. (But only if I get those unambiguous signals!)

[Imissmysun]

Go you!

Seriously Oak you rock!

And don't be afraid to approach women - if they say no oh well they say no - they will miss out on all the awesomeness you bring to the table -

I am honestly way too passive in my life to even consider creating an emergency bag - I think that level of organization is beyond me - at least at this point - and I was hoping that the convention story had a happy ending

[oak]

Totals:

4: Invited out

1: Accepted

100% of those who accepted showed.

It turns out that un-date truly wasn't a date

Despite my hopes.

She did let me down very gently (ie friendzoned), and I think all the more of her since she did it so kindly and humanely.

Of course, I am disappointed, since I had hopes. Usually I am all about using words, but that is all I'd like to say about that for now.

[manuel_moe_g]

Don't let this outcome sour you on the process. Your process is sound, and you are learning things about yourself. I am proud of you, proud to know you.