Ongoing: living anxiety workbook

[oak]

Thank you, Rivergirl. Your encouragement means a lot, especially since I am, at my best, a work in progress.

Bookend 2a:

I made it as far as the parking lot of the ji jitsu place. There was no parking spots, so I convinced myself that I should leave. Even though I saw other guys clearly parking across the street and walking in.

Ten minutes later I was eating General Tso's chicken with my fingers.

It was less disordered eating, and certainly ravenous. Nearly a year ago I've switched from a Standard American Diet to a mostly whole food plant based diet, which I like, but I really crave Chinese food every Saturday. I didn't do it this Saturday; I found myself acting impulsively tonight. And of course the General's chicken tasted so good. I have a ways to go with sorting out my new relationship with food. Even good changes are changes, and changing is hard.

While my anxiety swirled, I reminded myself that I could carry myself with dignity: shoulders back and down, chin up, eyes alert. I felt exquisite agony to see happy couples buying their Chinese food, reminding me how lonely I am. Then I remembered that I could have the dignity of being polite to the waitress.

My mind raced with "Not Enough"-ness. I breathed, resolved to post and use my words in this very forum post, and then try again tomorrow with the tae kwan do studio visit. I requested two hours off late tomorrow afternoon, so I can prevent HALT-ness before I try the tae kwan do place.

Though I say it often, here goes: the support I receive here, in this forum, is probably 95% of the support, encouragement, and advice I receive. I receive encouragement from my wonderful, ad hoc team: doctor, boss, EAP counselor, etc. But this is my moral home.

Just as importantly, I am in love with someone. That is a good reason to get up tomorrow and see what I can do to win her.

[bigeekgirl]

*hugs*
Food issues, man, I relate to that struggle. Even my healthy eating is a bit disordered/compulsive. I stuck to a whole plant diet for a long time and still consider that my "home base" but it's all too easy to "treat myself" when I'm stressed or in social situations. Like that doesn't count for all my waking hours.
I also know that agony of watching people live what you hope to have for yourself. People with kids rip my heart out. I don't see that ever getting easier for me. Also, people having close healthy relationships with their parents, or other family. Heartache isn't a metaphor. I feel like I'm not enough in these moments. Did I not deserve more? I know life doesn't worth that way, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it sometimes.

[brownblob]

I know what you mean bigeekgirl

[oak]

Heartache isn't a metaphor. I feel like I'm not enough in these moments. Did I not deserve more? I know life doesn't worth that way, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it sometimes.

Thank you, BGG. I've always thought highly of you, and goodness, did you speak a lot of truth. I'm glad you posted. Since imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, I intend to start a thread about my eating habit.

Anxiety update!

I visited the tae kwan do studio on Thursday. Such lovely people! My anxiety was an 8.2 before, but went fine.

I am going to another of my aquaintance's shows tonight (yikes!). My anxiety is a 4.3. This is a lower-key show than the semi-big show two weeks ago. This experience has about three of my anxieties rolled into one.

Fired Counselor

I was, a moment ago, writing a long paragraph about the counselor I went to, for our second session yesterday. It was a bad experience: he started our session ten minutes late without apologizing (not professional), checked his ringing phone twice during our session (Grrr), and our session meandered until I took control with ten minutes left and asked him what the plan was. He looked astonished, as if he had no concept that I was there:

a. for therapy/counseling
b. for matters that are very important to me
c. and that I was willing to immediately do anything moral and legal to improve my situation.

I had taken time off work for this, and was disappointed and angry. I stewed about this situation for the past 24 hours, until like every other anxiety situation I've faced lately and I took action.

So, five minutes ago I emailed my (wonderful) EAP counselor, asking to get set up with the other counselor she recommended. I, being a professional, left a friendly but clear ("nice jerk" is how I like to consider myself in these situations) for the counselor, explaining that I didn't see a fit for us to continue, and wished him well.

Musing

Five full months into my anxiety experience, I am taking a hard, but kind, look at how I've done. I may post here tomorrow. The big question: am I loving enough? Am I experiencing enough joy? Love and joy being the only things that mattered, when I thought I was dying. Hmmm.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for expressing so beautifully the heartache that some of us feel at times, bgg.

Thank you for the updates, Oak.

I'm glad that you're not continuing with a counselor who isn't respectful of your time and doesn't seem like a good fit for you. In my experience it can take several attempts before finding the right therapist.

About General Tso, he may have won that battle, but that doesn't mean he'll win the war. I don't really think there's anything wrong with indulging in less healthy food you enjoy at times, but I do relate to eating less out of hunger and more out of managing negative feelings.

Congratulations on visiting the second martial arts studio despite your anxiety!

rg

[oak]

Thank you for your encouragement, rivergirl! It means a lot.

I was bothered by the counselor's lack of interest in my problems, but really disgusted by his lack of professionalism.

I went to my acquaintance's show last night, and faced about four anxieties and six annoyances. (I'm learning that what I often consider anxiety is often annoyance).

Setting aside my preconceptions of "bars" and "local rock music", I discovered that the actual people there were much more diverse and welcoming than I expected. In fact, I realized that my crowd- the bougie NPR crowd- would not have been as welcoming to the guys in the crowd as these same guys at this show were to my bougie self. As I learn over and over, when I put my assumptions aside and actually look actual people in their actual eyes, 99% of the time they are completely lovely and kind. People have been so kind to me, much kinder than I often am to strangers.

I saw several attractive women at the show (and I noticed that they were all dressed identically), but was intimidated by them, since I didn't know what to say to them in that situation. I decided that I had done enough to face my anxiety for one night by showing up.

I realize it is good for me to go places I really don't want to go. I am trying to go to everything people invite me to.

So this was a big week for my anxiety: I visited the second martial arts studio, tried then fired a counselor, and went to a social situation I was totally uncomfortable with. With all three situations I felt great immediately afterward. I'm not sure if I want to face much anxiety this upcoming week.

Happy concluding vignette: while sitting in the gentrified downtown today, engrossed in Pokemon Go, I noticed an attractive woman totally checking me out. I was too astonished to say anything other than hello.

[brownblob]

A lot of life is just showing up. You're doing great Oak.

[oak]

Thanks BB!

I am posting here, today, now, because I don't want to post.

I've been meaning to post, to share some small victories. I effected prompt action this week, several times, to find another counselor, moving preparations, and trying to volunteer for coding projects.

My excuses/reasons (and this is 49% true) that I've not posted here or directly faced my anxiety, is that "I'm going through a lot": work is fine, and I feel good, but I am moving early next week. Concurrent with moving out, old resentments are bubbling up in my family of origin, and I will offer my snotty family the ultimatum choice estrangement or respectful behavior.

Basically, after five years of being treated better at work than I am by my family, I've decided to stand up for myself. Due to toxic family dynamics (ie me not playing the black sheep role I was assigned when I was broke, drunk, and unemployable[none of which are true anymore, but the role is still cruelly expected]), this will not go well. I post here all the time about "using one's words", mainly because there is none of that in my family of origin.

But it is ultimatum time (speak respectfully to me, starting right this moment, or estrangement), so soon we'll have our answer.

[rivergirl]

Oak,
Congratulations on your small victories (seeking counseling is in itself a pretty big step/victory in my opinion!)

Moving is always stressful, so be kind to yourself as you get through the next few weeks, and don't let your family get you down!

rg

[oak]

Thanks Rivergirl! I will effect your excellent advice and be patient with myself (see below).

Facing facts, five months in:

1. In general, I have made many more good choices about facing the "easy" facets of facing anxiety: using words, inviting out women, facing dental difficulties, teaching myself to code for better professional opportunities. Other than dental (which is the only area I've accomplished everything I set out to), I have done, at best, two steps forward one step back.

2. I've not really done anything about the two great regrets I experienced when I thought I was dying in early December, the only two things that mattered: love and happiness.

3. For the two proximate causes of my panic attacks in the last two years, getting jerked around at work and lack of savings, this week has demonstrated that I am still at the mercy of the dubious tender mercies of corporate America and that financial anxiety will cause more anxiety than anything else.

I want to use my words and post about my eating habit, in this forum, but for now (ie now through Tuesday, when I move) I am Enough, and will only commit to the following: playing Pokemon Go Sunday morning, eating some beloved orange chicken, and that's it.

<3