Oh Crap here come the holidays

[Lilac]

Whelp, thay are upon us. The holidays. That time of year when we simply can't get out of familial obligations no matter what excuse we come up with. All those people in one house that seems smaller and smaller with every passing second. All that noise with not one quiet place to retreat to. Eating in front of all of those people. Bring a side dish that I perceive will have uncountable flaws. Am I dressed ok? How does my hair look? Am I looking fat or too thin this time? How is my breath? Are my nails clean? Doen't even get me started on the conversations that I will stutter through in a family that I have never felt that I have fit. How long will I have to stay? How can I go home early? I hope they don't invite me over for breakfast the next day. How do I stay away from the brother who abused me for my whole life? So many conflicting thoughts...

Why do I feel as if I have to spend the holidays with people I have nothing in common with , just because they are related to me? The holidays have lost their meaning to me. I respect that other people enjoy the gifts and the time together but I feel like there is something missing. The feeling of doing for others. The joy of helping someone else. Of being of service. Of connecting in a positive way. Perhaps it is time for a change... ack CHANGE. How scarry.

What do you all do to get you through the holidays?

[algernon]

HELLO Lilac!

I have lilacs in my yard.....they are very dear to experience....nice fragrance yes!

Your Christmas ordeal is well cited.....I got into Christmas issues on the "Introduce Yourself Here" thread just a day or so ago.....See "Hello and Hi!!" for algernon if you like......

Yes Christmas is NOT going away....not until it passes on the calendar....

This year I'm resigned to day traveling on Christmas for a socially necessary visit to my cousin's house....To go there for Christmas day is necessary because she just had colon cancer surgery in August and her brothers are flying in from Texas and California....and I can't let the relatively rare gathering of the three siblings pass without seeing them, and of course too, for the inherent uncertainty of the cancer fight my cousin is in....so what's the problem with this Christmas arrangement seeing three siblings, my cousins, in a rare get together? It's my cousin's (the one with cancer) husband....who last year ran off with his old home town hump bunny and when that went bust, returned to my cousin (and her beautiful home and assets)....and then soon thereafter he got hit third time for a DUI....and spent the first six months of this year in jail (and 10 year loss of license).....it was during that jail time that my cousin got the cancer diagnosis....I'm disgusted with her trash husband, not the least reason being was that he initially begged me to give his bride (my cousin with the cancer) away at their wedding because she lost her dad (my first cousin) died 22 years ago. This ass kissing, supplicating request of his, he ultimately betrayed.....when this jerk ran with his fuck bunny, without a word of honor reckoning he "de-friended" me on Facebook (ahhh Facebook).....afterwards, when I lurked his FB page I became appalled with his boasting about wanting to take my cousin's property (he waltzed into my cousin's property and assets) and his sappy love goo with the fuck bunny....and his white trash drinking friends' dialogues, kids living at home with oversized pickups and dumbed down exuberance and approximately all half his age.....

After his trash run dried up and he returned to my cousin, I expressed an UNWELCOME to him specifically at my house, until he contact me with a discussion about the entire adulterous affair. I didn't regard the ceremony that he asked me to take part in as frivolous.....I gave my cousin away under a sanctioned matrimonial agreement before a large gathering of people, loved ones and such.....and he trashed it...I think he needs to face me and clear the air.....and he never did. My cousin's brothers freely admit she has always chosen poorly her partners......that is a sad given.

.....SO....since then she got cancer and he got 6 months in jail and now I figure he's been humbled enough and I wont press the "face to face" that I once demanded.....new conditions have now predominated the overall status.....and I'm bowing to that.....but he's going to be there when I visit and I must respect the ordeal that they've gone through this year, an ordeal that will continue with uncertainty. They have two children, the youngest is his.....

In addition to his latest DUI and ten years loss of license, this jerk has a history of one brother killed, drunken driving alone when he hit a tree....and a son from another woman (not the fuck bunny of last year) killed in a one car drunken accident in which his girlfriend multi-fractured her hip and will walk now only with crutches....and he speaks about them like they are great heroes.

And that's the Christmas I have coming this year, Lilac.....not ideal but it's my path. I'm the elder in my dissipating family now(my has time flown!) and I must make the visit.....

Lilac, as for your own Christmas ahead....who can fairly blame you for spending it as you please? Explain or don't explain your decision to whomever you choose. At least do a thought experiment and consider having a Christmas YOUR WAY this year......it may be a catharsis.

Merry Happy Joyous........moments always.......Lilac!

[Pigeon]

Oh Lilac, I can so relate!
You see in movies and hear in songs that the holidays are about joy, togetherness, family, etc... but for most of us, that's bullshit. At least for my family, Christmas (which is what my family "celebrates") has always been about stress, drama, family politics, depression, manipulation, self-hatred and binge eating all painted over with fake smiles and lies.

Not to sound dramatic or anything but really, it feels like a day (or more) of emotional torture that we're forced into by social convention and guilt.

One year I got sick and had to stay home, and other than the fact that I was an overheated, hacking, mucus factory, it was one of the best Christmases ever.
Recently I started opting out. Instead of spending Christmas with the people that were supposed to be my family, I started spending time with a friend that has acted like family, and it is loads better! Even spending the holiday on my own would be preferable over spending time with people that make me feel wrong in my own skin.

It can bring up a lot of guilt though. We're practically programmed to believe that the winter holiday is for family. No excuses. No pardons. But isn't that all social convention? And social convention isn't always right.

The holiday spirit of giving should apply to ourselves as well, right? We can do right by ourselves too. We can be charitable, kind, and giving to ourselves to celebrate the holiday season, right?

[bigeekgirl]

My sadness over the holidays is not having family connections particularly. It seems like almost everyone I know misses the Christmases of their childhoods with multiple generations and many degrees of relations gathering to celebrate. I never knew those kind of holidays. We had a couple of years here and there with my step-dad's family, but I don't even really know the other sides especially my father's side. My immediate family was bad at holidays making them feel more like obligation than celebration.

I'm not actually feeling guilt over not being in contact with my mother over the holidays this year. I haven't spoken with her since August (as I've discussed elsewhere on the forum) and I'm slightly guilty over not being guilty over not calling, but otherwise I'm enjoying the peace. I fully intend to initiate contact soon and am working on figuring out what I need out of it with my therapist who I don't see again until the 27th. Even then, I'm heavily leaning towards writing a letter. Nope, Christmas is all about me this year and while I don't want to hurt my limited family, I'm not going to hurt me to accommodate them.

[Fargin]

Three years ago, I cancelled Christmas and I enjoyed it so very much, this is the third year, I'm holding Christmas on my own.

Three years ago, I simply couldn't face the oversized siamese twin elephant in the room, I couldn't stand the thought of being around my parents for two days, pretending we were all one happy big family, because that's what being a family in my family means: Pretending. So now I pretend we're family for a five minute phone call on Christmas Eve's day and that's where my obligation ends.

I feel the guilt too, but I also recognize that this guilt was instilled in me, by the same people, who shamed and humiliated me.

[MichaelHung]

oh my god yes...even though we are in the middle of january....i haven't fully recovered from my relapse into depression and anxiety because of the holidays. Before the holidays I was very busy/productive...and dare i say it..HAPPY with my life. Then things slowed down, family tension grew, and now it takes me all day to even get up and post on the forum...let alone get out of the house and take care of things that needs to be taken care of. The holidays can be sooooo detrimental and is a weird thing for me. I'm all about sharing love and happiness with those you care about...but it's like we are forced to.....I don't know..it's weird. I hope your new year is going better than the holidays lilac.

[Pigeon]

I feel the guilt too, but I also recognize that this guilt was instilled in me, by the same people, who shamed and humiliated me.

I just wanted to highlight that Fargin because it was awesome. I can so relate and I think it is SUCH an important realization to make.
I think 98% of the guilt I feel is not from things I've done wrong, but from perfectly fine things that I have been programmed to feel wrong about.

[inmymind]

Hey Pigeon,

I have been trying to PM you, but my replies are stuck in the Outbox.

[Brooke]

Any type of obligation puts the fear in me, but family obligation is the worst because you feel like you are letting down the people that matter the most. I am terrible with obligations. The minute there's an invite, I feel chocked up, my chest feels tight and I feel a sense of my freedom being lost because the countdown of misery begins. Even though in my head, I'm not legally bound to go, I feel like a failure if I can't make it and that doom gets worse day by day. It's all because of my people-pleasing personality. Like if I don't go, they are ALL going to think that I'm a bad person and no one is going to like me anymore or want to hang out. I know in my head that's crazy, but that's the real, tormenting thought that goes through my mind until the day I can't go because I've worn myself down and then the self-bashing starts. So this is exactly why I don't like obligations. It becomes a long drawn out period of why I'm so screwed up and a failure. I'm trying to deal and overcome this, but it's so darn hard. If they are just acquaintances, it's a bit easier, so I practice with those. But, I still feel the pain of 'missing out' and not be able to 'show off' to my Facebook friends what a eventful life I have (pathetic).
Right now, I'm in a 'feeling lonely' anxiety spiral, so I'm thankful that I get to come here and connect with you guys. I want to go out with people, but am way too depressed to put on a happy face. After being in a couple of codependent 'close' friendships, I'm scared to try and become close with friends. I'm terrified of being codependent with them, so these forums are the only place where I can truly talk about my dark emotions. It's sad, but I'm hoping that after my depression lifts (it comes and goes), I'll make an effort to reach out. It's weird, but when people invite me, I get into the above spiral, but it's fine when I'm the one that invites them. I think it's a control thing, because I only reach out when I'm feeling ok and stable.
Hope this year, the holidays will be more tolerable for you.