fucked up memories resurfacing

[alwaystrying]

I recently moved out of home and in the past few weeks I have had a ton of childhood memories that I had completely forgotten about and suppressed which involve mainly my parents and the fucked up way in which they dealt with my emotions. One of the most disturbing ones that I can't seem to overcome is one where I was about seven years old (yes, seven) and I was being yelled at for something by both of my parents. I can't remember what about, perhaps I hadn't gotten my way with something or had done something naughty. I remember being extremely overwhelmed by the way they were treating me and feeling like it was totally unjust. Maybe I hadn't even done anything wrong and had been blamed by my brother or sister for something they had done. I can't remember the details but that kind of thing happened to me often as a child. I remember being distressed and panicky because I felt as though nobody was listening to me or cared what I was going to say. The only thing I could think of in my mindset of panic that could possibly get their attention, was to look at both of them, and shout, "I'm going to kill myself right now." I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a large sharp knife and pointed it towards my stomach. I was crying, I was in so much emotional pain.
And my parents looked at me and both started laughing.
Yeah I get it may have been a humorous thing to see your kid in absolute hysterics. They probably just knew I was being ridiculous and wasn't actually trying to kill myself. But still, they just laughed at me. I remember shouting 'It's not funny!" But they continued to laugh at me. I feel such humiliation and shame over this memory. But I also wonder how on earth you could see your own child through tears, at seven years of age with a large knife, threatening to end her life and just laugh at her.
It ended by my mum doing her scary serious voice and saying, 'put that down' making me feel as if I had broken a rule or done something wrong by picking it up. Then she sent me to my room.

How do you guys deal with this shit? I'm booking myself into a therapist next week but after this memory and many others like it I don't know if even want anything to do with any of my family. Does anyone have any experience with cutting them out of their lives? If not, what are the alternatives? I'm so confused and angry.

[brownblob]

Hi alwaystrying,
I was the youngest child in my family, and my brothers, sisters and mother would mock me and make fun of me when I would get angry during my childhood. So, I was basically raised to feel bad about having feelings.
I did cut my father out of my life. He had anger issues and was not much of a father when I was young and as I became an adult I realized that I could choose not to have this negative force in my life. As for the alternatives, I guess you could limit how often you see them or how much contact you have with them. Paul always talks about having boundaries, but I'm not sure how you go about installing boundaries with someone who has no respect for you.

[alwaystrying]

I guess you're right. I have wanted to remove them from my life for a long time but the thought brings me extreme guilt. I feel like it would make my mum very sad if I did so and this upsets me. I don't like to make anyone feel sad. I have tried with the boundaries my entire life. I have a lot of memorises of myself telling my parents to respect boundaries, eg. Please don't come into my room without knocking or something like that, but these have never been respected, only disregarded. My mum makes me want to set boundaries and then makes me feel bad for setting them. She would walk into my room unannounced or knock and then come in without even waiting for a reply. When I would become upset and frustrated by this after telling her so many times she would either make me feel extremely guilty as if I was being mean or just cry or something and I'd have to go and cheer her up or apologise. It's just so tough. I feel so stuck.

[FrecklesMcGee]

Wow, I'm so sorry you have had to deal with so many parenting mis-steps! Among other things, I think you could definitely qualify them laughing at you when you were clearly in so much pain as emotional abuse and neglect. They were not acknowledging your pain at all! In fact, they taught you, in that moment, that your feelings are not worthy of acknowledgement. Over time, that sort of parenting causes us to suppress our emotions because when we expose a vulnerability it gets kicked around like a helpless puppy. I would recommend reading 'Running on Empty' by Dr Jonice Webb. It really puts into focus the different ways we become damaged by emotional neglect. Your story makes me wonder what was going on that drove you that point at only 7 years old! I imagine it was a very difficult environment. I'm glad you're getting help from a professional to sort through this stuff.

As far as the boundary violations... this is something I've dealt with a lot (and continue to deal with). I can totally relate. It's hard enough to set a boundary with a parent in the first place, but when we do and they violate it anyway, we don't know what else to do and we sort of cave in to them, in utter frustration. I am seeing this pattern now as it has set itself firmly in my other relationships as well. Setting boundaries and then tolerating violations of them, while suppressing my anger. I hope we can both work this out. It has certainly served me poorly.

I don't think you necessarily need to cut your parents out of your life, if you don't want to. That is a very personal decision and a very big decision. I have kept my parents in my life but have set some pretty distant boundaries and am getting better at maintaining them. I continually reinforce them. I feel that cutting them out would break their hearts and mine, so I choose to keep them in my life at this point. To be specific (since you asked what the rest of us do), I don't tell my parents anything about my personal life. I keep things very light - talk about my garden or the hike I just did or the weather (seriously). I talk to them about once or twice a month and keep it brief. As soon as things get uncomfortable or I can feel my boundaries being violated, I end the conversation. I see my dad about once a year (if that) and my mom about once a month or so. I'd rather see my mom less, but like I said, it's a work in progress.

I think you moving out of their house is a huge step in the right direction. You will probably have to set boundaries with less and less frequency now that you are no longer under their roof. However, I imagine if you're dealing with a codependent parent, an addict, a dependent parent, or a depressive, they might try to reel you back in. Stay strong and keep your independence in mind. That will bring you further away from that emotionally abusive and neglectful environment.