repressed memories/ anger&rage/childhood darkness

[born2die]

blown away at your show; i have listened for 9 straight hours- for the first time i am hearing similar accounts of my own experiences, which i have had no support in longsuffering. this has been the sum of my life, suffering. the abuse began from birth, as 'the bizarre stories' and accounts of random events begin to make more sense. daily i remember another story that that was so ingrained as normal bc it was repeated, over and over. like my family makes a joke by saying something smirky ab how i was hangin in moms titties, followed by bustsof laughter. and the feeling i get is just feeling naked and molested all over again. my mom breast fed me til i was too old, 4probly. i remember asking her why cant i drink out of a cup and she would manipulate me into feeling embarrassed and like a Nothing, whatever she coukd try and make me feel in order to make me cling to her body. it makes me feel weird how my siblings do not mention my mom being insppropriate one, but rather make me out to be the gross one. my dad was a tyrant- together they loved to team up and mentally torture me with interrogation sessions where i would pass out from hyperventilating. i started holding my breath at 6mos, they say. their story is "when i was being a spoiled brat id hold my breath and turn blue". but i know that this is not normal and an infant will usually turn blue if uts being smothered or if its holding its breathe in response to immense pain. when im nervous i hold the tension in my chest and take shorter breaths, i realize now that i was stuffing allll my pain and my hyperventilating was literally physiological reaction to stress and anxiety. i didnt have a full blown panic attack/breakdown til i was in college at age 22. you know how when the world comes crashing down on you and it feels like doom? well this is how i felt and couldnt make it go away because id disassociated from myself and i coulnt experience or remember my life: i was feeling these horrible feelings as a nothing- within a bigger Something that was far more important than me. as a 27 yo adult, im finding it more & more difficult to ignore the crossroads that force me 2 now face the realities of the past, seeing &reexperiencing doom& emptiness, where my decisions always fail by self sabotage, i feel the importance of this issue is no longer on the back burner bc my awareness of truth has increased in the form of flashbacks & dreams- its as if the questionable memories i repressed were the ones where i saw everything that made me wanna disappear, and that make me feel so icky today. the most painful are the ones where it feels like the truth is crushing me; as if its mirrorring what i like to trust wholly, tricked, crushed in shame, neglected, wishing i could disappear...AND STILL in my innocence i continued to trust. i cannot imagine destroying a childs soul the way mine was exploited and toyed & this makes me be overwhelmed with sadness, hopelessness of being powerless....& the anger at ALL tyrants is crippling& unhealthy. . the evangelical christianity was a tool for brainwashing & fear inciting for my dad, ultimately he was a divide and conquer' jesus worshipper in order to be able to carry on being a criminal without being caught. i have moments if dissociation and it feels like i get triggered into a certain memory where i was 3 and my preschool teacher was pushing me on a swingset and she pushed me so high it felt like i was ab throwup but also ab 2 pee on myself and its like a tangible plunge into emptiness and self hate, like there was an empty pocket in my gut. i asked her to stop pushing me because i wAs scared becaise jesus was gonna kill me. its a profound moment of darkness that ive been prisoner to my whole life but fortunate enough to let the truth set me free. brcause my dad was a christian, it was hard for me to admit to myself that YES HEIS A child molester.... its amazing how much i didnt want to believe it, as if i was still being loyal to him by denying myself the truth. the flashbacks ofhim being nice & peering thru top of his eyes, uhgh! i was forced to betray my own instincts 4 a creep & it makes me cringe bc i know those eyes were dilated with lust, i learned that love was a hateful hunger for me, to own me, to drain my life. a seductive perpetrators face does not let you say no, so the memories r also laced with great fear. fear of being punished or hurt if i let myself think those eyes were creepy would be like facing the painful truth; it makes me stunned & filled again by knowing the truth, but ive felt full of rage realizing my fathers eyes were a black hole, connected to a dark world that i died in. lives in me where my life is nothing and i have no reality or purpose aside from being a body, no mind, where i am forced into an existence of perpetual darkness at the mercilessness of being groomed day in, and day out.: where everything was a lie & terror is intentional... i am the object of scorn, i am an object. 2 sadistic bullies whose love i desired more than anything, discarded my humanity.... aleays getting off on their torture of choice was dometimes hours of having me sitting at the table andbeing emotional interrogated. tortured for fun, just because it made them laugh and me cry. they enjoyed my powerlessness and their eyes lit up as they snuffed mine out. everything i am feels like an inevitable memory that ill never escape, i feel hardwired in darkness. im able to see my life like a silent film playing in the light of conscioysness, seeing pedophile parents.seeing how intensely fucked up my childhood is difficult bc ppl in my family still objectify and sexualize, and invalidate my ideas; this has caused me to cut everone off & ive found clarity in this stage of healing. your show has made me feel like im not alone feeling like a nothing in Something, and hearing the stories are like reliving painful feelings except am feeling again, with comfort that someone understands, it feels like a validation that i exist, and in that moment i feel the healing power of consciousness & feel that i can go on existing in the light whenever im able to find myself again, lostness empty pocket of darkness that calls out to me. im afraid ill never be able to move past this damage or lead a normal fulfilling life but i am so thankful todaynto have come upon the podcast mental illness. i have gained some profound insights. thank u!

[Cheldoll]

Wow, this is really heavy! It's good that you're addressing things that have happened to you, and I'm happy the podcast is helpful to you too.

[Mr. E]

Born2die,

I'm really sorry that these things happened to you. You did not deserve for the people who were supposed to love you to hurt you and take away your safety and sense of worth. Takes a lot of courage to get that out there in the open and in print.
Those things they did to you were wrong. But you are not those things. And you deserve better now just as you deserved better on the day you were born.

Have you considered EMDR therapy? We are just now reading a great book on it and it seems like it helps all persons who dissociated to escape childhood hurts whether multiple or not.

Listening and caring

[noralittle]

I am shocked to read all this that has happened to you and that too from your loved ones. You are quite brave to share this with us and it is right on your part to get depressed. But you should be more brave now and block these thoughts from your mind. Just meditate every day which will keep your mind calm and fresh and you will soon forget all those disturbing thoughts.

[sandy,like the beach]

Hi,
Idk if you'll ever see this, it's been awhile since you posted.
I'm with you. When parents seemingly have children just to fuck with them, molest, accost and tease...to torture them - it's simply dumbfounding.
To be the child in those situations is a life of self doubt, questioning everything and difficulties with relationships is really just the tip of an iceberg.
At our house, my dad beat and tormented my older siblings but spoiled me. They were a step family of sorts...that included bigamy and me being illegitimate, but he felt it was important for me to spend time with my siblings and my naive mother was afraid of him beating her so i guess(?) she didn't want to deal with all that protecting me would entail. So my siblings, all a minimum of 6 years older than me, grew up resenting me and thus, tormented me to get back at our father...whom I'd defend b/c he'd indoctrinated me to do so. He told me from the time I was baby that I was his real wife...I'm starting therapy next week to start the detail work...to talk through the stuff I can now remember and don't go numb when I think about them. It's taken 14 years of just coming to grips with the stuff my mind has allowed me to remember..I agree that some guidance when heading into the details might make the next phase of my recovery go a bit faster..I don't have another 14 years to get thru this. I don't want my entire life to be defined by this..I had to raise my sons and all things considered, I hope they and my husband are happy with the work I've done so far. However, we must live OUR lives - regardless of what they tried their best to do
I am amazed that you got thru college, I could not. Congrats...whether or not it was recent. Maybe you took for granted that you would finish your education..idk, I think that kind of focus and determination will and should be utilized to heal. I'm not saying it'll be comfortable or that you even know how, but love yourself the way you love others. It takes attention b/c if not aware 100% of the time, those voices from the past start filling the space in your mind and they don't f'ing deserve it.
they've taken all they ever will from you...and I understand that when it seems like they've taken everything, that there's no you left. But there is. It's what brought you here, it's what's driving me to reach out to you. It's the sense of self preservation. You know it intimately, now it's time to use it to your benefit rather than using it just to survive.
There are varying degrees of abuse talked about at the MIHH but for those of us who experienced systematic, extended and perverse abuse, it's particularly hard because it is part of our development...the very way the brain is growing, never mind our psyches. Its just so insidious!! Nothing subtle or insinuated...we were owned. Possession.
My dad had a flag in the living room that we had to say a pledge of allegiance to...WHAT THE FUCK??? He wouldn't allow religion in the house b/c it interfered with ability to control us. He raped his step-daughter but considered it a relationship...that was a decade before I was born, how sick had he become by the time I got there? I'm still putting pieces back together...
I didn't mean to ramble on, my intention was to extend a hand if you want to talk or commiserate or compare horror stories. I'm at a place when there are times I can laugh at it...otherwise I'd just cry, right?
You are stronger than you know. I'll agree that it gets REALLY fucking tiring having to be strong all the time, especially since it feels like you've been doing it forever..hand in. It's worth the work, you are worth it. You are not them. Even if you still find yourself thinking the way they taught you to, you are capable of retraining your thoughts into positives. It's worth the work,I promise. And my kids will tell you, I don't often make promises
You are more than welcome to contact me if I can in any way be a support for you..madchef1969@att.net