It took me 29 years to admit that my mother is abusive

[senoranonymoso]

I apologize for diving into this forum with only a brief introduction, but I really need to get this off my chest today.

My mother was abusive. I just admitted this for the first time three weeks ago.

I grew up watching her slap my dad every time he pissed her off. She controlled him, isolated him from his family and controlled all of the money. He is a shell of a man after 30 years of marriage to her.
I let her confide all of her marital problems to me because she had nobody to talk to. I had to talk her out of divorcing my dad, then found overwhelming evidence that she was cheating on him for the second time in their marriage. I confronted her and she refused to admit it.

She left my oldest half brother with his dad and didn't contact him for years until he moved in with her at the age of 15. He's 40 now and works part time with no money/nothing to show for. She puts him down behind his back and won't admit she contributed to his failure.

I saw her beat the living hell out of my second half brother who was raised by grandma until he was in 5th grade. He was a really good kid. She beat him for years until a teacher helped him move to an art school. After graduating he turned into an alcoholic. He found out at the age of 25 by chance that he was not actually my brother's brother like he thought--we have 3 different dads. Finally he moved away and got married to a woman that was pregnant. She shunned him when she found out his wife was pregnant when they met, and it wasn't his. She spoke horribly of him for years after he stopped talking to her.

As I watched all of this while growing up I got hit, screamed at for no reason at least once a week if she had a bad day, and was sent to my room for crying alone and confused. My dad would side up with her every time and scream at me for upsetting her, even though i was a good kid that stayed out of trouble. I always ended up apologizing even when I did nothing wrong. I feel like I disappointed her because I didn't become a doctor or a lawyer, although I have a good job with a good income. I let her control my life until I was 27, when my now-wife helped me realize how bad things were.

I felt bad for her when they lost their house and filed bankruptcy. It was because my mom has a serious spending problem and had 28 credit cards maxed out, two mortgages worth tens of thousands of dollars higher than the value of the home. Meanwhile, she was driving a $50k car, took lavish vacations and shopped every-single-weekend. My parents are both working class folks and I make more than both of them combined, yet she spends like crazy. I spent nights/days trying to figure out a way to save them because I knew she had drained their retirement. I'd keep myself up at night.

On my birthday 2 weeks ago, she bought two ipads (one for each of them) and was thinking about buying a $2,000 purse since they were offering 0% financing. After 5 months of therapy and a month of anti-depressants, that was my breaking point.

I felt some sort of loyalty to her. I am afraid to hurt her feelings and our relationship exists only to please her. It wears me out and has gotten me to the point of suicidal thoughts and self sabotage.

I've suffered severe depression for the past several years, and many years before that under the surface. She has indirectly ruined every relationship I've ever had, caused me to have many psychological issues and a very severe porn/sex addiction.

Today I am here to say out loud (via the web) that my mom was abusive and I don't owe her anything. It's not my fault and I am a good person that deserves to be loved.

I just wish I could believe it everyday, but I keep fading back into doubt and my heart hurts thinking about losing contact with her.

Thank you for reading.

[oak]

Today I am here to say out loud (via the web) that my mom was abusive and I don't owe her anything. It's not my fault and I am a good person that deserves to be loved.

Yeah! Say it loud and proud!

If we are only as sick as our secrets, I think you are much healthier for having said that.

No need to apologize for the length of your post; I read every word.

If I may offer some thoughts, which you are of course welcome to take or leave.

Sometimes in complex situations like these, I like to tease out threads. Here is what I see:
* Physical abuse
* Infidelity
* Mental and physical abuse of children
* Alcoholism
* Underearning
* Overspending

I say all this not to be a Negative Nancy, but to get it all out.

First, let me celebrate a few things:

* You have a good job that pays well. Yay!
* You have a wife who helped you understand reality better. Yay!

I don't have any advice to share, but if I can offer the following observations.

* Pornography is a powerful reality, tied up with many issues. I will leave each person's relationship with pornography to their own conscience.

* While porn is not an issue for me, underearning is, and overspending was. Reading your account of your mother's spending reminded me of the "what life was like" in a Debtors Anonymous lead. While your mother may not struggle with underearning, she appears to be overspending left and right. I am not one to pray (long story) but I pray she finds Debtors Anonymous.

There is an on-going dialogue about sex addiction, and I encourage you to learn more about that discussion.

I am glad you are using your voice. I have no idea *how* you'll seek and find healing, but I wish you well as you seek it.

Thanks for sharing.

[senoranonymoso]

Just seeing how massive this entire forum is caused my anxiety level to shoot through the roof and I started posting all over the place lol. I wish I had come here before freaking out today.

I'll breakdown the issues and share them where appropriate.

Unfortunately though, I don't think my mother will be finding support for her spending. She refuses to admit there is a problem and "doesn't believe in therapy." Ironically she needs it more than anyone I've ever met.

Thanks again though, Oak.