Messy apartment: chunking.

[oak]

I am only as sick as my secrets, so here goes:

My apartment is messy.

There, I said it. I am experiencing a proto panic attack from the thought of cleaning.

Here is what I can commit to, today:

1. Take out the trash (medium difficulty, due to agoraphobia)

2. Clean (remove trash, put library books in cloth bag, dishes in the dishwasher) the right side of my dining room (where I read). This is about 3x8 feet, and can be accomplished within about ten minutes. I can listen to music while I do so. I am free to walk away at any moment with judging myself.

And that's it. I'll post here tomorrow and ongoing with updates.

Here's what I can't handle tonight: the fact that no one has come to visit me in the two years I've been here.

Actually, there is more I could write, but I can't handle it. I am trying to be enough, so this will do.

[oak]

Happiest of happy endings:

I could barely move, and then saw that my dishwasher wasn't draining. I was stunned, and near tears. I couldn't believe it.

Realizing I'd have to submit a work order request, and have the maintenance guy see my cruddy floor and stove on Monday, I instantly switched from making-it-through-day-Oak to fired-up-I'm-the-only-person-to-fix-this mode.

Feeling the moments of despair and can't-believe-my-luck, I then started to wipe down the cruddy floor with a sponge and Pine Sol. Five minutes later, it looked good as new!

I decided to go to the dollar store to get more supplies. While walking to my car I was moved to tears for gratitude: I have a car, an apartment, money to buy supplies. None of those things were true ten years ago today.

Arriving at the dollar store, I told the employees my gratitude to be able to come to a store and buy important cleaning supplies at 8:30. "We're here for you", they said.

I was touched: humanity and kindness can show up anywhere, even a dollar store at 8:30 on a Saturday. And why not?: grace is crafty like that. There was no shame, just acceptance.

This afternoon I submitted the work order, motivating me to complete the pretty-good cleaning. I was surprised at how quickly my apartment got presentable. It is certainly clean enough for the maintenance person (who I am grateful for), 80% clean enough to have a friend or family member over, and 60% clean enough to have a woman over.

There were many mental health lessons for me in this experience:

Sometimes I have to have a breakdown to have a breakthrough.
There is a time for doing as much as we can, however little, and there is a time to get things done.
Sometimes it doesn't take much action to see surprising results.
There is a lot of grace and kindness in the world, and I never know when it will show up.

[Beany Boo]

Congratulations Oak,

It is truly difficult in some moments to navigate when to hide yourself and when to reveal yourself. You really nailed it this time.

[snoringdog]

Hello Oak,

Picking up on your Dollar Store interaction... Isn't that great when it happens? A kind word here or there really has an effect on both parties.

On occasion, I've thanked bus drivers, and complimented workers as I'm passing by - just a simple "Good Job" with eye contact.

Sometimes it's for my own uplift and to get out of my head, but it works and it's not totally selfish.

Don't know...thinking of that "Home on the Range" lyric --
"Where seldom is heard.... a discouraging word.... and the skies are not cloudy all day..)

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, glad you had this day and moments of gratitude and reflection. I hope you're carrying the glow of competency with you today.
Heather