Is this plausible? Please advise.

[oak]

Hi friends. I'll be posting in another thread soon about the physical effects of trauma to my body (car wrecks as an adult, bullying as a child). But first I wanted to run this summary by you; can you please advise as to if this reasonable?

TLDR Summary

Like many people, the COVID quarantine exposed my former life as unsatisfying. I have the ability/means to ramp up my job search later in the summer. Do you approve of my plan (which I'll share in another thread) to spend June on active healing?

Feel free to skip to "In Conclusion" below!

Same question in longer form:

1. After getting sober in 2008, it took some time to get my life in order.

2. Circa 2013 I began to get my professional life in order.

3. This took enormous energy, luck, and kindness from my new professional colleagues. I made it. But at what cost?

4. From 2013 to 2020, without trying or meaning to, I neglected physical and social activity that made life meaningful. Considering the stakes of professional failure, which I was well acquainted with, I see this compromise as worth it. Though at a terrible price, as I'd find out in March of this year.

5. On March 23 I lost my job and spent the next two months unable to move. Grief fried every cell, and weighed me down. I believe this grief was caused by ignoring these important sides of my life: the physical, and fun.

6. In this new life, thankfully making it through the intense grief described above, I rightfully see work as AN important part of a full life, but no longer as the ONLY part of my life.

7. I have a clear, detailed, objective, measurable plan for daily/weekly/monthly plans for tai chi, martial arts, dancing, and hopefully dating. (I will be happy to share the broad outlines of this plan in another thread!) Effecting these would go a long way to bringing balance back to my life.

8. Thanks to unemployment, I can ramp up my job search in late summer.

9. But I don't want to thoughtlessly throw myself back into the job search (professional life as my only life), because that didn't work the first time (see #5). While I have easily and happily applied for some jobs already in my skill set, my mind or psyche has rebelled at taking time to teach myself to code, something I found very enjoyable 2014 to late 2019.

In conclusion

Does it seem reasonable for me to put a demand on myself to begin effecting the details of tai chi/dancing/martial arts in June, and then ramp up the job search in July and following?

Please advise!

Also, let me know if I am missing anything, or need to consider anything more deeply.

Thank you very much. Your advice means so much to me.

[manuel_moe_g]

I see this as building a life on the foundation of where tai-chi/dancing/martial-arts leads you in June. Am I reading this correctly?

[oak]

Correct. (Great to hear from you, Manuel Moe. I hope you are doing well.)

In previous life I ignored physical activity, relying on my mind to get me out of a bad situation. I was relying on those golden eggs.

But I wasn’t taking care of the goose that laid those golden eggs, causing a two-month depression/ptsd.

I want to avoid that in the future.

Is this a reasonable line of thinking? Am I missing anything?

[Beany Boo]

‘You’ll be then who you are now.’ That’s sort of the premise I’m going forward on; the decision. You’ll bring your present state with you into the future.

This means:

Stop trying to escape it
Accept yourself, your limits
Look after yourself today
Find things you can enjoy now
Stop taking crap today
Improve what you can now

Regardless of whether your future circumstances are successful or a failure, you’ll still be who you are now, then.

I don’t know if I’ve explained very well or if it answers your question. It just came to mind reading your post.

You’ve got to cultivate the self now you want in the future. Otherwise, you’ll bring the one you’re trying to leave behind, with you.

“Let go, or be dragged.”

[manuel_moe_g]

The more I think about it, the more I think this is a wonderful plan, Oak. You are proceeding with intention about the foundation you build your new life upon - excellent. You are laying the groundwork for your happiness coming from inside and not relying on external things out of your control - excellent. You have taken care in making a plan to more fully realize being a self-actualized man - excellent.

Excellent and impressive, go forward knowing you have my respect and admiration.

[brownblob]

Sounds like a great plan to me Oak.
I hate to even tread into these waters but I know the dating thing has been a great frustration for you Oak and I want to ask if you've tried using the dating sites/ apps to meet people. I know of someone who was a divorced father and broke who didn't even think about dating because it didn't seem realistic and also various anxieties because of how his marriage ended. After years of this, he uncomfortably realized he wanted to have another relationship. He uses the dating sites/apps to meet women. It has so far been unproductive in finding what he is looking for which is a long term relationship, but I believe has been good for his mental health. The realization that there are women out there that want to date him and that he has the ability to end a relationship that is not to his liking or standards. I just thought that if you want to date it may not be a way to meet Ms Right, but may be a way for you to get practice in the process.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, I am a fan of a plan. Get started and be open to changing the plan if it's not working for you or if a delicious opportunity presents itself!
Heather

[oak]

Thank you all for your encouragement. It means more to me than I can express. This includes you, Manuel Moe and Heather.

@BeanyBoo: of all the gems you shared with us, and I appreciate them all, here is what really got me:

You’ve got to cultivate the self now you want in the future.

I am taking action today because of those very words you were kind and generous enough to share. Specifically, I ate steel cut oats from the slow cooker, to prevent HALT. This is progress! Thanks.

@Brownblob: You are the second esteemed friend to recommend this and yes, I have such a plan. And like your friend, I have a friend who moved forward with his life via online dating. I certainly have a plan to effect this, especially if/when I get some successes IRL first. And that blond barista continues to stare at me!

I'll post here later with an update as to how the plan goes in the coming week!

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,

It sounds to me as though maybe you have an inner critic (parent) who is telling you that you need to put all of your focus on the job search right away. You don't need permission from me (us) but I think it makes sense to look at the totality of your life and follow your intuition about what you need most right now, and what you need to build a balanced life going forward.

I might be projecting my own issues, but I have a harsh inner parent and I'm continually working toward having a less judgmental inner voice that is motivating but also forgiving of my mistakes.

Looking forward to seeing your update on how things are going. Wishing you well as always.

rg