Fears, Fears, and more Fears!

[Twisted Steel]

I'm afraid no one, including myself, will ever really "get" me and understand my true feelings and emotions.

I'm afraid I"ll always live my life envious of people who seem to know exactly what they're feeling and are able to name them, give voice to them, and express them when, and how they so choose.

I'm afraid this numbness will follow me through life until just before I die, and with death imminent, I'll finally "get it" only to leave this life moments later, having never lived the life I was truly meant to live.

I'm afraid I've passed on my flat, emotionless way of reacting to life onto my children, and they are doomed to repeat my emotional patterns.

I'm afraid to revisit the sexual abuse I endured as a child because every time I have attempted therapy I never seem to grow or learn anything about myself and it just acts to stir up the fear, pain, and shame, with no resolution, relief, or closure.

I'm afraid all the love, dedication, and effort I put in to try to raise my children in a supportive environment, protected from my emotional inadequacies has only fucked them up in the long-run.

I'm afraid my husband will eventually leave me, or have an affair, because I'm so emotionally unavailable to him and he will simply seek elsewhere for the physical warmth and emotional affection I can no longer give to him in any intimate way.

I'm afraid I've cheated my husband out of years of true happiness and fulfillment because he's been stuck with ME, and I will never be able to give him those years back, no matter what.

I'm afraid this current bout of depression will never end or ease up and my hours and days spent in bed, or doing little to nothing, will so de-condition me physically - my heart will simply give out one of these days.

I'm afraid I'm really starting to give up on myself and will simply give up even trying to look for relief, help, or better days. I will just sink further and further into my darkness that reaching out for help wont even enter my mind, and I'll just fade away, until there's nothing left but madness.

I'm afraid I will never find a therapist who can see through all my bullshit and defenses to really help me resolve some of my issues and get in touch with my true feelings, if I even have any left.

I'm afraid, after much surgery, and a hefty amount of metal throughout my spine, I'll always feel like a freak and never feel "normal" again.

I'm afraid I'm turning into a neurotic, self-pitying, pain in the ass and eventually, no one will want to be around me anymore.

And finally, I'm afraid that quitting smoking 7 months ago has made my ass the size of a small continent! I do have a sense of humor but I'm afraid this depression will suck THAT out of me too and it's the only thing that keeps me going most days.

Thanks for sticking with my list - I was afraid it was way too long and wordy. Twisted Steel

[MizLzie]

I'm afraid this numbness will follow me through life until just before I die, and with death imminent, I'll finally "get it" only to leave this life moments later, having never lived the life I was truly meant to live.

Ouch. That one hit deep.

[oak]

I send you a hug, Twisted. You are not alone.