Fear List

[idunno]

rape/sexual assault
having an opportunity to save people and not taking it (failed hero)
drowning
slipping in the shower, cracking my head, and bleeding out while my spouse sleeps
getting killed in traffic and nobody bothers to check on me for hours
dying and no one at work cares enough to even try to find out where i am
never finding friends who live up to my expectations
never meeting anyone else's friendspectations
never finding a career where I fit in
never fitting into the career I already have
Never bothering to go get therapy
cancer
dementia, not knowing it
...and being so young that no one knows to look for it so it's untreated and people just think i'm regular nuts... er
leaving my spouse
not leaving my spouse
my spouse dying and me ending up penniless when it's too late to get my shit together
losing my shit at a customer service desk and getting arrested
actually being as terrible as my spouse sometimes tells me I am
being terrible for thinking spouse is terrible
suicide
...and it not mattering
being sued again (debt that I'm desperately trying to work on)
getting old alone with no one to care for me (no kids)
unwanted pregnancy
being married to a secret psycho, not knowing
finding suicided spouse
the 300lb mark
having fun in front of people but feeling silly and ruining it
never ever being truly understood
that my queerness is not real
that my transness will never be known to anyone but me
that my transness will never be even partially realized
that even if it was there would be nothing fulfilling about it
that i'm overly suggestible
that i'm the spouse no one believes exists till they see it for themselves... the one that is talked to like a piece of shit but stays because most of the time it's not that bad
that i'm the spouse that gets their face blasted off out of the blue with "no warning"
that i'll never live up to the expectations I set by the contents of my bookshelves
never figuring out what I want to be "when I grow up"
being so bad at peopling that no one will let me be thing thing I want to be when I grow up
losing all my hair
Being given responsibilities that I just cannot handle
Never being a "grown up"
Doing a "door slam" on exactly the wrong person at exactly the wrong time, regretting it forever, and being unable to fix it.
Being in the hospital and denied Ambien
the night terrors that come when I do finally pass out without ambien
dying such that my body cannot be donated
the coming day when my mother won't know who I am
having to deal with dad after mom dies
i still feel the fear and the What If from when I was a kid and I wanted to bash my dad's head in. he wasn't physically abusive. he just yelled a lot, we never did right, and he expected us to read his damn mind on what he wanted exactly... and he's a lot like me when he gets upset. loud, closer, red, animated. The kind of thing that makes me afraid of customer service desks...
being too damn wordy
never being able to articulate what all goes on in my head to anyone who might otherwise be able to help me with it
feeling like a hypochondriac when I really list out all the "off" shit I notice or try to ask for help
feeling like my doc no longer listens to me or puts much effort into helping me because i've mentioned things i read about too much. I'm just trying to be informed, look after myself but there are too many websites with docs bitching about patients doing this
spouse dying sooner rather than later and me having to decide what to do about my love life at that point
stray celebratory bullets
someone else's illegal fireworks burning my house down
waking up covered in fire ants
being a distracted driver at exactly the wrong .5 second even though I try hard to avoid it.
seriously injuring myself during a badly executed rage kick or punch to an inanimate object
my sister is avoiding me and doesn't want her kids to have anything to do with me (I know better. she just lives under a rock, much like myself)
I'll never see my "best friend" again after she has her kid
she was never really my friend, just wanted a free meal once a week

I'm sure there's more, but that's what I can articulate this evening.

[EmeraldArcher]

Not finding a career I fit into is a big one for me.

Being a distracted driver is a huge one that I think about engender I'm driving.

[brownblob]

You have a long list. A couple I identify with are:
Dying and people at work don't bother to find out what happened to me.
Having the opportunity to save people and not doing it. I have done the right thing before but I can see myself freezing in the moment.
Dementia but I believe I'd know it. I had ECT's when I was younger so I know what it feels like to wake up and not know where I am or even what my name is.
That I'll never live up to the expectations of my bookshelf is a great one.

[idunno]

Thanks for chiming in. Always good to share and be understood