Fearing Off

[IdentityPoltergeist]

I'm afraid that my secret double life will be discovered and I'll lose the few friends I still have (who live elsewhere as I moved away on a whim).

I'm afraid of people saying bad things about me behind my back. It used to be that I was afraid/certain they were calling me a lesbian in elementary school through high school (this was a common insult). Now I'm more afraid of them talking about my incompetence (intellectual or social) or how obnoxious I am.

I'm afraid that no one cares about what I have to say and as soon as I open up to someone, I'll be rejected.

I'm afraid of asking a stranger for directions when I'm lost.

I'm afraid of going places alone because I'm certain I'll get lost or fuck things up. If I can't get anyone to go with me I won't go. I never go to concerts, stand up comedy, or travel anymore. I have paid up to $1200 to not go on a trip alone (bought my ticket for that much and one for a guy I barely knew at the time).

I'm afraid of men finding me attractive.

I'm afraid of talking to women, or sleeping with women. Whenever I got close, I got scared that I was taking advantage of them and insecure about my body and skills. The one time I followed through I had no idea what I was doing and really failed. It's easier to be with men because I'm not afraid of disappointing them or them seeing my body or pleasing me because it's easily avoided.

I'm afraid I'm becoming too dependent on alcohol. Not drinking a lot just every day, a drink or two by myself.

I'm afraid I'm completely boring to my peers.

I'm afraid people only say nice things about me to make me feel better about sucking so hard.

I'm afraid of strangers who come to my door, even kids. I'm afraid of having my home broken into again.

I'm afraid my parents think I'm a loser and always have.

I'm afraid my parents knew about the sexual abuse in our (my twin sister and my) childhood.

I'm afraid I have repressed memories (as a kid until now, barring a concussion, i did not think this could be possible but my sister shared her long held secret with me and memories of being tied up and thrown in a closet, the feeling of rejection because kids never wanted to play sex with me it was always my sister, and being taught how to have sex at age 6 resurfaced).

I'm afraid that if I'd succeeded and suffocated myself to death at age 6-7 when I had tried, no one would have cared.

I'm afraid of spiders crawling in my ear canal and laying eggs in my vagina. It keeps me up at night.

I'm afraid I'm always saying or doing the wrong thing.

I'm afraid my therapists found me annoying.

I'm afraid I'll never write a good book because I only understand people through books I've read and it's hard for me to see things from someone else's perspective.

I'm afraid of making decisions. Including the decision to put off making a decision.

I'm afraid I'm an embarrassment to be around.

I'm afraid of kids older than about 4. That's when kids started rejecting me and I feel their rejection all over again.

I'm afraid I'll never be considered for a decent job because I so completely lack confidence and skills.

I'm afraid of being poor and hungry and unable to make ends meet again.

I'm afraid of asking for help.

I'm afraid my sister still thinks I'm a loser and only wants to talk to me when she's desperate or wants money.

I'm afraid of finding out who I really am.

I think it's pretty obvious by now, I'm afraid of rejection.

I'm afraid of phones, stages, speeches, any and everything that involves social interaction.

I'm afraid this is way too long.