I need help: no savings. Scared.

[oak]

Dear MIHH friends!

Generally I am doing well, but there is one area I am struggling with: saving money.

I live paycheck to paycheck. I run out of money within a few days of getting paid. This has been going on for as long as I've escaped working poverty (four years).

(I have an entry level white collar job. I don't "waste" money, but I can't tell you how I spend my money. Just...life.)

My dream, which I can hardly imagine, is to have $1000 in the bank.

Most of the time, basically all month, I realize that I couldn't afford a dentist visit ($30? $50?) if I had a dental emergency.

Having been through Debtors Anonymous and Financial Peace University (both wonderful!) I know exactly what to do: budget, balance my checkbook, track my spending. All easy things I've done in the past that have helped, and that I don't do.

Posting here is my first action. I am hurting. I am scared. I don't know if I can change.

[brownblob]

Oak,
You have made successful changes in the past. You are a strong person that can do this. You also have been through some programs, so you know what to do. This is an advantage you have over others in your situation.
I know how scary it can be living paycheck to paycheck. I lived that way most of my life. Just going along hoping that noise coming from the car is nothing, because I don't know anything about cars and I couldn't afford to pay anyone to fix it. I feel your pain.
I have confidence in you Oak. You're awesome. Your post here is a first step towards coming up with a plan and taking action.
I wish you luck my friend.

[oak]

@Brownblob, thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I appreciate it, and will transform them into action. And, I ask playfully!, how did you know about my car sounds!? The muffler-failure sound is getting deeper and deeper. And what's that other noise? A belt? Having a $1000 in the bank could make 90% of my potential car and dental problems be solveable just by spending money.

Also, yes, having gone through DA and FPU years ago I am not starting from zero.

My plan:

1. Call work EAP
2. Get FPU resources (mp3s and budget forms) [DONE]
3. Go to a DA meeting
4. Balance my checkbook
5. Budget my next pay
6. Track my spending, daily, then tabulate at the end of the week
7. Re-read Jerrold Mundis book "How to get out of debt and live prosperously"
8. Read "Bad Paper", as I am likely, and justifiably, to have my day in court due to not paying creditors back ten years ago.
9. Find reputable credit counseling

Though it took all of my thirties, I have successfully confronted the underearning. Now I want to confront the wise spending/saving portion, and pay off that old (circa 2006) debt.

I'd like to get a good start on all of these by this time next week.

Thanks for listening. Update to follow.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Oak. I have no idea if this will help, but I have noticed with myself that when I have a mental block about self-improvement, it is because I haven't embraced failure completely.

For me, time management was my big problem. I read so many time management books. But I didn't really become effective until I really visualized what true and complete failure would look like.

I was so scared of complete failure that I wouldn't give myself credit for the baby steps you have to take at the beginning of any self-improvement because you are just learning a new skill. (Does that make any sense?)

At the beginning you will be taking steps that seem so inadequate compared to the problem. And you have to love yourself for taking those baby steps at the beginning.

I am not sure I explained this well.

I recommend really exploring what complete failure would look like, and how you would scrape by even if you experienced complete failure. This will subconsciously give you permission to have the expected failures at the very beginning of learning a new skill.

Doing exactly this helped me with the skill of time management, which I have improved greatly at. And I am improving all the time more and more at this skill of time management.

Does this make any sense? I hope so. I really care about you, my friend, and I am so proud of you and I have faith in you.

[oak]

Yes, Manuel Moe, that does make sense. Thank you!

Doing as you suggested, I imagined "the worst", and either:

1. It has already happened (car, health, job loss)

2. I have made it through worse and come out okay.

I appreciate you and your encouragement and advice!

[oak]

Despite many good intentions, I'm still haven't taken action, and I am facing fear and a sense of lack.

I hope to post here, a week from today, that I took action and that things are better.

I have under $100 to last me a week, which is no big deal, but I have appointments with the lawyer and a new dentist. Both of these are included in my work benefits, but I am not sure if there is a copay.

I am 41, I work very hard at a white collar job, and I have no life savings. I don't want to live like this anymore. There is so much more I could be doing with my life.

Thank you for letting me share here. I am only as sick as my secrets.

I'll have more clarity Monday after the appointments. I may have to cancel the later one. I feel such shame.

What I can do now, today:

1. Balance my checkbook
2. Track my spending, daily, then tabulate at the end of the week
3. Start to re-read Jerrold Mundis book "How to get out of debt and live prosperously"

Tomorrow:

1. Take "Bad Paper" out from the library
2. Research reputable credit counseling.

Monday:

1. Call work EAP
2. Make it through the difficult conversations
3. Post here

Tue-Thurs:

1. Budget next pay

Sat:

1. Post here that I took action and feel better.

Ongoing:

1. Journal

2. Take care of myself, and have fun. Awknowledge my shortcomings, but don't let them overwhelm my experience of life.

Thank you for listening! I feel better already. I'm only as sick as my secrets.

[Namu]

Hello, oak.

I'm new around here, and have already latched onto you as someone to pay attention to. You offered welcoming words and encouragement and reassurance when I first introduced myself, and it was a big boost to keep me coming back, investing more in the site. I've seen how often you offer kind, intelligent, gentle support to others on the site. That's a seriously good thing you do.

I'm so sorry to hear you're in such a painful, scary spot. I sympathize with the shallow-breathing dedication to ignoring signs of impending doom (such as car noises and tooth disturbances). For me, it can feel like an injury to the mind and soul to resort to avoidance because I just don't have what it takes to find my way to a better choice.

Fear. I feel it in sympathy with you, and for you.

I'm really glad you have some significant education and experience to rely on, and some ideas of what your next steps are. If it's not too weird to say so, I'm proud of you for courageously, persistently returning your attention to where your power lies. If reciting the steps to take can be a mantra to hold onto while you breathe through the terror of paralysis, I'm all for it. If you can find any other kind-to-self reminders, maybe you could put them on sticky notes (or 8.5x11 sheets, in big letters) on your mirror or fridge, to help you stay emotionally afloat until the waves die down.

You are entitled to all your feelings, of course, but I propose that, if you can find a moment for it, you examine the shame you mentioned having about this. I don't see any basis for shame in what you've described; I see a really worthwhile, complex, smart, generous person who hasn't yet mastered all aspects of life, and who's suffering a lot, and who is bravely, responsibly doing his best with the resources he does have. Life is really, really complicated, and no one I know has all the required skills. The shame might be a secondary thing, covering for some other experience, and maybe peeling that back could shed light on the paralysis. Or maybe it's a construct inherited from family or some noxious subset of society.

Financial insecurity can get really wretched sometimes, but being in pain is not the same thing as being shameful.

I'll be thinking of you today and tomorrow, hoping the one or two appointments leave you with a sense of progress. Unless my own inner storms drag me off somewhere, I'll be checking back here to see how you're faring. You are most welcome to PM me, if that might help.

Many warm good wishes to you. I look forward to the time when this storm is behind you.

Namu

[Namu]

P.S. oak: Is there a friend you could call and ask for help, just the hand-holding type of help? I once had a friend tell me that he'd helped a friend by watching her mow her lawn. That's all she needed: just the witnessing presence of a friend to help her find a bit of motivation and focus. Maybe someone could come over and just sit at the table with you, drinking a cup of tea, lending you courage to help you through the task of checkbook balancing.

I, miraculously, have a friend who is (per my request) monitoring my email, because I just can't face it these days. She lets me know if there's something that actually needs my attention. She also checks in at certain times of the month to ask whether I've paid my mortgage, paid each utility bill, paid my credit card. I'm not sure I'd be the best person to offer you that sort of help, since I obviously am overwhelmed by my own stuff, but maybe there's someone in your life who'd be good at helping you with that sort of awareness/accountability. My stress is eased a lot by knowing there's someone (someone who thrives on organization and checking tasks off of lists) who will notice if I forget to notice something important and time-sensitive.

Enough from me for now. Previously expressed good wishes remain active.

Namu

[rivergirl]

Hi Oak,
Will be thinking of you this week and look forward to hearing how things went for you. I agree with everything Namu said about there being no need for shame about your situation, and yet I understand how powerful and intractable shame can be. I admire your courage in posting. As always, on your side and wishing you all the best!

rivergirl

[oak]

Namu,

I've received many kind, generous replies on this forum, and yours is one of the most kind! You have moved me to tears. Thank you.

Thank you for saying you are proud of me, Namu. That means a lot. Financial insecurity thrives on loneliness and keeping it hidden. I can't afford to keep it hidden anymore.

Yes, I now recognize that shame comes from my family of origin. At the worst, I am going to have to be something of a jerk to cancel appoints (up to three) with varying levels of notice.

I can do so with dignity, directness, and honesty. I may even just be honest with them! This is scary to contemplate, but age 41 I've never seen honesty delivered kindly go bad. I have see evasions, equivocations, and outright lying go all sorts of bad.

I do, Namu, have a mantra chosen, and I'll share it here tomorrow!

Promptly applying your excellent advice, I have reached out to a friend. Great stuff!

Update to follow tomorrow!

Miscellany Thoughts

I started the Mundis book. He cool. One cool brother. I want to stick with winners.

In addition to budgeting my next paycheck, I indulged some fantasies and wrote, in Sharpie, on blank envelopes of things I can dream about buying someday (after said envelopes are filled with cash): Oral B fancy toothbrush ($130), stability dress shoes ($150, as advised by my physical therapist), BMW wagon ($10K), yoga class ($30), and a date with Emily ($40; if she says yes). I can afford none of those things right now, but I can dream.