Homelessness

[Beany Boo]

Test was negative.

I don’t have a car and I wasn’t allowed to use the train.

I walked 2 and a half miles to and from the hospital.

I queued for 4 and a half hours.

If they hadn’t been handing out water I’d be severely dehydrated today. My calves are badly sunburn.

Otherwise, I’m just grateful to be able to keep going.

I go back to work tomorrow.

What will go wrong next?!

[oak]

I am glad you:

Tested negative
Stayed properly hydrated (so important for mental health)
Felt compassion for the obviously-distressed woman

I hope your return to work has gone well.

And I'm glad you mentioned you are car-free. I've been going on a year without a car, and my life is much better.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you Oak,

I’ve been riding my breathing almost constantly; like waves on the sea, just reading my own arousal level and dropping into a breathing exercise if the ‘weather’ starts to change. The goal this year is to be able to respond less predictably to a more uncertain world.

This makes events like queuing for Covid tests workable.

I haven’t had a car for about fifteen years, although I do have a license; mainly for work and ID. I dabbled with motor-scooters for a few years but for the last 5 or so it’s just a pedal-bike, public transport and occasionally a skateboard.

I loathe traffic. I love walking.

We’ve got a very reasonable public transport system and a phone app that makes it easy.

[rivergirl]

I'm glad you were able to get through the Covid testing ordeal/experience, Beany. The only certainty right now in the world seems to be continued uncertainty, so learning to accept/manage your reactions seems like a good goal to prioritize.

"I’m definitely letting go of perfectionist habits. As the world grows evermore imperfect (understatement) the easier it becomes to respect that I want a something unmistakable for myself. Not sure what the full meaning of that sentence is." I'm not sure what the full meaning is either, but I'd be interested to know more if you figure it out as time goes on.

Thank you for being you, Beany.

rg

[Beany Boo]

Thank you Rivergirl,

I’ve been thinking about what you said about feeling homeless. I can really relate to the way you used the word.

I think rather than anxious or depressed anymore, I prefer to think of how I feel as homeless. That’s how I’ve felt through a lot of my life. I’m not comparing myself to people who struggle to find accommodation. Although that is in the mix and why I reacted so strongly when it seemed imminent. I just mean, I’ve usually felt, unmoored, regardless of where I’ve lived.

I think what I want for myself has something to do with that. It’s belonging but there are details I haven’t got yet. I’ll keep attending to it.

[oak]

Beany Boo, let me offer you this, using my own experience, since I would never presume to speak for you and/or our dear friend Rivergirl. And if you find any of this doesn't jive with your lived experience, please say so! Here goes:

I think there are several levels of homelessness:

1. Unhoused. No roof over one's head. I've heard this called "rough sleeping". (I've never done this, but I've been close.)

2. Couch surfing: staying at friends and family who have varying (and always decreasing) levels of patience. (I did this from 2004-2018.)

3. Having a home, but never feeling like one has a home.

For example, I moved into my current apartment in 2018, which was plenty of time to make it my own before spending 99% of my time here since March 2020.

In every ordinary sense this is my home. But have I ever been home?

a. No, because (1) I am weird or (2) life is alienating.

That's why I love reading near death experiences (https://www.nderf.org/Archives/exceptional.html): I don't believe in heaven, but of course I need to: what else will I do?

b. No, because I'm in love with someone and she isn't here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsDqZk6dAPM

While I'm not a huge fan of Glee, Burt Bacharach understands: a house is not a home.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you Oak,

My homeless feeling has something to do with listening.

I know there’s not an immediate connection there.

My theory is listening [...] belonging.

Something like, if you listen, people hear you.

But there’s a specific listening place; and you’re not always in it.

The listening place is home.

If you’re not in that place you can take a rest from trying to be heard.

It needs work. It’s too simple.

[Beany Boo]

I was just walking down the street. I thought “I’m ready”. Whatever I’ve learnt from adversity, I’m ready to graduate. In the next moment, I got a text, saying a potential buyer was coming to look at my apartment.

Just this text alone has triggered me, though it could be nothing. At least I already know that accommodation concerns are a trigger for me. Hopefully I am ready and whatever I’m supposed to learn here becomes apparent, and I can make a new/different/subtler/bolder decision.

[manuel_moe_g]

Good luck, Mister Beany, during this challenge, we are cheering you on.

[rivergirl]

Yes, good lucky, Beany. Let us know how you're doing with this new development.