Everything is Slipping Away

[weary]

I haven't been posting on here for some time because I've been dealing with a lot of shit. I'm really depressed. I'm really angry. I'm really scared. My life keeps falling apart more and more.

I am facing the loss of my job. I won't be officially out of work until Aug 2015, which I know seems like a long time, but in my work (higher education), jobs are hard to come by, very competitive and you only have one chance a year to snag one. Finding another one is going to entail moving to another city or state and starting all over again. No friends, no stability, nothing.

My marriage is still a mess and I can't bring myself to have the courage to say enough is enough. I am too afraid of leaving her. I feel too guilty and too obligated and too afraid. I love her and she loves me, but she has problems and I'm not sure that her best will ever be truly good enough for me. I already feel like I may have missed out on my chance to have a normal life, to have kids. etc. But I am too much of a coward and a "nice guy" to hurt her more. And I can't leave her and then move out of state, or move with her and then leave her. I'm stuck and I'm screwed forever.

I don't have a lot of friends that I can confide in, and of those, I don't know who I can really trust. There are other women that I have been attracted to and I like to think that some of them would be interested in me if I wasn't married but I can never know for sure. I've been hurt so badly so many times by so many people. And in the end I feel like it is all my fault. Therapists, books, friends all tell me that I am the only one in charge of my feelings - I am responsible for my own happiness. Nobody else can make me happy or sad or angry. I choose to be happy or not, to be sad or not, to be angry or not. It is confusing to me, because what does it mean when someone hurts you, then? That I choose to be hurt? I don't know how to be happy anymore. Or I don't know what I need to be happy. Or I am afraid that the things I need to be happy are not available to me anymore.

I am a hard worker, a nice person, I do things for other people, I care about other people and their feelings and their needs. I have struggled and sacrificed for so long in so many ways, and I feel like I have nothing to show for it. Even that's not true. I have a wife who loves me very much, and I love her, but she is screwed up and can't function and I don't want to have to deal with her problems for the rest of my life. But I feel like that makes me a bad person. And really, I'm the screw up. I have fucked up everything in my life. And I feel so fucking alone right now. And in so much pain. I really don't know what to do about it. Every time I feel comfortable something happens to fuck it up.

I just want to get numb. I want to stop caring and stop wanting and stop needing, so I can just be happy and content with my life the way it is. Be happy that I have my wife and not care anymore about all the things she does that piss me off or hurt me or prevent me from having what I want and need in life. Be happy with any job I can find and not care if I am respected or valued or if it brings me satisfaction. Not care about having friends or kids or anything, just resign myself to a life of going to work so there is money and health insurance for my wife and I, coming home and being there for her when she has a panic attack or is depressed or just needs someone to validate her existence, and just go to bed numb until I have to do it again the next day. That's my whole life right now, and I just want it to stop hurting.

There are still small moments of happiness and satisfaction in my life, and even in my marriage. Those (along with the guilt and fear) keep me stuck. But they are only small moments, they are fleeting, and they feel like they don't matter a lot of the time. The things that hurt, that make me feel sad, angry, frustrated, like a pathetic loser or a failure, are all much, much bigger. And more important. And long-lasting. I feel like I have been denied and even cheated out of the bigger happiness and satisfaction in life. I deserve better. I have earned better. I can do better.

[duck1]

Hi Weary,

here are my thoughts.

you seem to feel overwhelemed and very hard on yourself.

* you have gone a long way in your career, you are not incompetent. I have heard that academy is a very stressful and competetive environment. Give yourself a break, if it won't work out, or if you choose not to, the workforce needs brainy guys like you.

* It sound like you see all your trouble "pieling up" on you like rocks from the sky, as far as you can, try to break it down, compartmentalize, to make it manageable. I know you are facing serious decisions, but you can still dissect it.

I hope this helps.

[weary]

Thanks duck1.

I have reflexive counterarguments to every positive thing that you said, and I am resisting the urge to write them. It is hard...

I'm exhausted. I hurt. I'm at the end of my rope. I am drained.

I am even more fucked up because I found out this weekend that two of my close friends that I have been confiding in and relying on for support (separately and the three of us together) have been having a secret affair for the past month and a half. Which fucks with my head and my sense of trust on multiple levels, and makes me feel even more alone.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am sorry to hear you are having trust issue with people you confided in, weary. I read your posts and I know your feeling of being drained is real. What you contribute to the forum shows me that you are a person with great worth, and I am sad that you are suffering - you don't deserve it. Please take care, I care about you and we here all care about you.

[weary]

Thanks for the kind words, manuel moe g. I sometimes need that explicit validation that people care about me. Sometimes I feel like I can't open up about anything, and sometimes I feel like I complain too much and people get sick of me. That's why it's either a flood or nothing from me on here usually. It really hurts when I get over the anxiety to write a post and I feel like nobody replies or even looks at it for days. I really appreciate the replies - they help remind me that I'm really OK on some level.

I really feel like I am going out of my mind sometimes. So fucking overwhelmed and detached and dissociating. Nothing seems solid. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. So much fear, pain, sadness, anger. I hate being angry so much. I fight it. But sometimes, I can't suppress it, and it overwhelms me, and I am passive-aggressive, and if that pisses off my wife, then it can go into being angry and yelling and saying things I shouldn't say. Anger confuses me. I never know when it's OK or justifiable to be angry, how to deal with it myself, the right way to communicate it, and what things I just need to let go and get over and when letting go of it means I am surrendering part of my identity and giving away control of my life. I am experiencing all of these peak moments - intense career pain, constant aching in my marriage punctuated by acute anger/frustration/depression/anxiety attacks from myself or my wife or (eventually) both, the confusion and loss coming from my overreaction to the really good news of two people that I care deeply about finding happiness with each other.

There is jealousy there with my two friends hooking up that makes me ashamed . I'm jealous because I am very attracted to the female half of the pair and the male half of the pair knew that. Not that he didn't have the right - I'm married, after all, and not in a position to pursue a relationship. (Well, technically they are both still married too, but in the process of divorces). But some of the jealousy is that we were all going through hard times and supporting ourselves and each other together. And now they are so stinking happy. And they don't need me for support anymore. And I feel like I'm on the outside. And I want some of that happiness. And it's not fucking fair. And I hate being lied to and kept in the dark and having people play games, even though I can understand why they had to be careful and discreet.