Living without BFF

[HeathMcF]

We met my junior year in college - she was my big sister in sorority, my maid of honor (and I was hers), the godmother of my daughter - my best friend in the whole wide world since 1993.

No she's not dead. She decided to leave her marriage and met a guy online and just became too busy for me. All while my husband was deployed to Afghanistan.

She was the only person I could talk to about everything and anything. I can't talk to my husband about most things that are "emotional" - he's a "get over it" or "move on" mentality. She was the only one that AGREED with me - even if I was wrong. She was my comfort, my support, my friend. And I have been sort of lost since the relationship kind of fizzled.

It is what it is, and it's over. But I feel like I have no one to talk to... about my MIL who drives me freakin' crazy, issues with my spouse, or our kids or work, or whatever. I feel like I have no one to talk to - no ally. No one that will listen without the anger, or confusion of dealing with how I feel.

I know I can't continue to do this. I have other friends - lots of them, but no one like her. She knew it all. I resent the man she's living with. She's put her heart and soul into this new relationship. I understand that's important, but it's just done.

I feel like I'm in mourning. It's just sad, and I hate this. I'm turning 40 in two months and I feel overwhelmed in everything. Ugh... thanks for listening. If you have any suggestions of how I can release these emotions that I am carrying, that would be great. I was seeing a counselor, but I find that it takes me 20 minutes to get into it, then when I am finally releasing emotions, time is up and I am left processing it all on my drive home.

Thanks.

[manuel_moe_g]

I read your post, HeathMcF, and I honor your pain. I wish I had words to help you with your suffering.

You should be good and caring to yourself, as if your BFF died, because, in a way, she did. You are having a natural depression from a massive loss. You should not hesitate to get professional mental health care.

If you have any suggestions of how I can release these emotions that I am carrying, that would be great. I was seeing a counselor, but I find that it takes me 20 minutes to get into it, then when I am finally releasing emotions, time is up and I am left processing it all on my drive home.

I would journal all your thoughts - write it all down. Then, just before your counselling session, begin journaling your current thoughts about the loss. That way you will already be emotionally "primed" just as the counselling session starts, and you will have your written journal to refer to during the session.

Please take care, and use this little forum as a resource. All the best to you during your time of loss - it will get better, with time, please know that.

[oak]

March 24, 1995.

That's the night I went active, securing a lifelong bond with my big. I love that guy. He and I have both been through hell, each in our own way.

Which is to say that I understand how you feel. You are not alone.

I see a couple of threads, situations, in your post, each of which would naturally lead to stress. Along with the fizzling of your friendship with your big, your husband has been deployed, children, work, MILs. That is alot to deal with. Meanwhile your friend has been making choices herself. Big choices.

I am unqualified to speak to many of those topics.

I can offer a suggestion, and an observation.

As far as my suggestion, offered gently: perhaps as you drive to the therapist, you can create the most succinct, click-baity opening statement for each therapy session. One well crafted statement that really gets at the heart of your most pressing issue.

Such is my suggestion.

My observation:

Two of my fraternity brothers work within one mile of my home. There is an active, vibrant undergrad chapter a few miles from my workplace. Within an hour's drive is probably 50 guys from my chapter, and through LinkedIn I can find another 100 brothers from other chapters.

The last time I bumped into a brother? Two weeks ago.

The last time I spent any time with a brother (dinner, visiting his home)....I don't know. Maybe 2009.

The only reason I stayed on fakebook so long was to stay in touch with them.

But sometimes fakebook can be a superficial way to "stay connected".

If I remain single and childless, I will never be as close to others as I was with my fraternity brothers.

But jobs, marriages (good and bad), children crowd out that bond that was once everything.

I wonder that we were all together, back in the day. Most of the guys are doing really well. Some have descended into poverty (like me!), some became alcoholics, some have been in prison, some have had strokes. And we are all 35ish and up, much like you and your sisters.

Inadequate as it is, that is my observation. We all had hopes and dreams and plans.

Even the guys I am close with, we grow apart. We don't want to, but we do, day by day.

Now I remember: I met for dinner with a brother in summer of 2012. We didn't like each other as undergrads, but now I cherish his friendship.

It is almost, almost!, as if the pain of being separated from them was not worth the love and esteem we shared.

That the flip side of connection is the low-level pain of growing apart.

Well, I am very sorry for being at once both a downer and not giving any advice. As cheesily sentimental, too.

[HeathMcF]

I appreciate the comments of you both!

Typing it out last night, I cried. I really cried and that's how I know that's what brings me the most sadness these days.

I find when I am pissed, angry or whatnot, I just keep moving - having no interest in dumping these random issues onto anyone else.

I also read somewhere today that ANGER is a sure sign of needing to be loved more. Huh

So, anyway, after I typed, I took my dog for a long walk and cried and thought.

I'm a work in progress - I guess.

My mom said I should "unfriend her" on FB - I haven't yet - that feels so permanent. I do have her and the old dude hidden from my page so their stupidity doesn't show itself. Lame, I know.

Wanted to say thanks and also say that I am open to anyone else who has experience in this department, or just wants to chime in. Feeling the support and I really feel good. Thanks.