I got married to an amazing person (which gave me severe panic attacks b/c of money and planning), had weight loss surgery, broke a bone which required surgery and occupational therapy, stopped losing weight, quit my dead-end/humiliating job, and started grad school since May of 2012. The wedding was so much fun. I did not meet my goal weight by a long shot (50 pounds out of a 100 pound goal). Quitting my job was the best decision I have ever made. I love/hate being in school.
Lately, I have been waking up in the middle of the night completely wide-awake. My vivid dreams have been alternating between stressful dreams about working with a bully at my last job and stressful dreams about my parents. My dad, possibly suffering from BPD, cultivated my sense of self-doubt, extreme shame, and addiction, while my mom passed down the misnomer of using food for comfort. I've been in therapy and I'm on meds, but my upbringing will always haunt me. I remember telling a teacher that I felt sad and alone when I was in 3rd grade. Despite a great partner and a handful of supportive and genuine friends, those feelings never left.
I was accepted to a grad program to teach Special Ed, which is a new, but somewhat familiar field for me. My classes have been kicking my ass, but I am passionate about teaching and I am pleased with my ability to keep up with my classes and peers. Finally, my habit of over-analyzing can be applied to diagnosing a potential disability or figuring out how to help a student! As I approach my graduation date, those nagging thoughts of self-doubt and failure are slowly creeping into my thoughts. I have avoided going back to school for almost 10 years because I knew that I wanted to teach high school students, but I didn't want to relive high school as an overweight person. I have never held a job with this type of responsibility and I don't know if I can handle it. What if some jerky kid makes a comment about me being fat on my first day? What if I can't handle the pressure and I quit after a short period of time, like my other jobs? What if my husband resents me for being unhappy as a teacher even though he works so hard at his horrible job to support both of us?
My therapist has been stressing mindfulness, but it is so difficult to stop my thoughts. I always had to expect the unexpected from my dad, so I developed poor coping skills. My worst fear is being caught off guard, so I plan everything and I am consumed by making lists for everything. My husband is extremely kind and forgiving, but he has some issues with being compulsive. It is important for me to plan because he has poor planning skills, which affects finances and eating nutritiously. I have to be one step ahead of him, though I do not have to worry about being emotionally abused by my husband.
Wow. I feel like I've written book. I guess I should stop because I am so sleepy that I am no longer holding my phone in case I doze off and drop it on my face. Well, I hope that we can all find a way to resolve some of our problems. I actually feel better after typing all of this out. I wish everyone the best.
