Not what I was imagining when I applied for the visa

[anymomentinthewoods]

I've talked a little bit in other threads about what's going on with me but this is the big word dump. I need to stay focused and I think the only way to do that is to write it out. And I would love some advice if anybody has any about any part of this. There's a reason why my user name deals with the woods because really, I have felt like a babe in the woods for a long, long time now.

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and 5 months. 2 years and three months of that and most of our relationship, we've been living in two different countries. We even spend 11 months without seeing each other, our longest time apart. To say that was difficult would be an understatement. It was emotionally taxing and both of us went through a lot to get the visa and try to live together. Things were especially rough for me because I was unemployed for a lot of the time and I was trying to keep my bipolar in line/learn to live with it. I went to therapy once a week for three years and went to a psychiatrist once a month even when I wasn't working, just to keep it together. My husband also had difficulty with stress and trying to meet the visa requirements (for your first spousal visa, it is only the British partner's expenses and living arrangement that they look at). Getting the visa was obviously a breath of fresh air. Like finally! We can live together and be a family!

Yeeaaaaaahhhh, weeeeelll, now comes the hard part.

We've been staying with a soon to be ex-family member. Long fucking story. Anyway, that family member now wants to move so we'll be out of a place to live in a month and my husband, who works with said family member, will be out of a job as the office is moving too. Our options are to find a place/job or find a job and take over the flat we're in now. For me, no jobs have come up yet and I keep stressing out about it. Now we're desperate to find a place. I'm worried that we won't find anything or we'll be stuck with nowhere to go. I also don't have any therapy set up here because we won't be here for very long and I find it hard to cope. Somedays, I can only get out one application or none at all. I can't put out lots of applications in one day like my husband can. I just get burned out and sad. I want this to work out, I want us to find a place. But the transition from one country to another and then having this housing thing over our heads...I just find it so hard to be kind to myself or hard to be motivated. I keep thinking it's my fault when I know that it isn't. We try and try but nothing's come up yet. What if we can't do this? Where can we go?

I keep praying for something to come up, each day I try to think that this is the day that something will come. But I can't help worrying and worrying. I want a place we can call our own where I can get the help I need. Luckily, my medication is set up here so I can get access to that and it helps me get out of bed and at least try. And so far, I've been able to narrowly avoid self harming but I keep being triggered and tempted. We need something to happen and soon. ><

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello anymomentinthewoods,

read your whole post. you are going through a lot right now. please take care, try to take things one step at a time, and be self-loving with yourself and your current limitations - you will grow in time, with patience. All the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[anymomentinthewoods]

Thank you for your kind words and for reading my post. I can give a much better update now: my husband has some job opportunites coming up. I'm really excited that he's getting interviews but have struggled with him getting so many vs me not getting any at all. To help with that, I found a company that helps translate US resumes into something more polished and more like the UK type of resume. I worked with them on the phone today and feel really confident. My resume is good but directionless so they're helping me with that. I hope that with their help, I can get a better resume and apply for more jobs soon.

I've noticed that just like how my resume is directionless, I've also been pretty directionless. I get into a pattern of worry and anxiety and without a strong routine behind it, I've been getting lost. I'm going to email my old therapist about it and see what I can do.

[manuel_moe_g]

anymomentinthewoods, the best part of your awesome last post is how proactive and self-loving it is! This makes me so happy! Please take care, all the best!

[anymomentinthewoods]

So I have an update. My husband got a job in a new place so we'll have to figure out moving now. The bad part, for me, is that all this change is happening and my husband is away for the weekend. I've felt very unsure and adrift about it, as I posted elsewhere on the forum. I guess the good thing is that he has a new job, we have a place to move to, and we have new things to look forward to. But all the change is happening so fast that I feel confused. My new resume is back so I've been applying for new jobs confidently. I guess I just want things to slow down or for myself to adapt to them quickly and really, that's slightly unrealistic to ask. I'm going to get used to things in my own time.