I think I stopped a memory

[Wren]

I dreamed I was in the house I grew up in, the house my family still lives in (though I do not). It was some years ago so I don't recall the first half of the dream but I think it had something to do with an airplane crashing into the house. They had put up those translucent tarps for walls like you see in movies when there is a disaster and they are quarantining areas. Nurses were going around and I made my way to the kitchen where my mom, sister, and family friend were gathered. This area was safe and we were talking about something I can't recall but seemed mundane. From the hallway where my bedroom used to a memory-like version of myself emerged. She was around 3 years old and she started running towards me. I knew she wasn't part of the dream, that she was a memory, and I didn't want anyone to see her so instead of comforting her I jumped into the air and landed on her head. I squished it. And we kept talking. I nervously checked to make sure no one noticed what happened.
and the I woke up.

I've always wondered if I repressed a memory of abuse somewhere, (jesus-christ if i could only remember it would solve everything), and I'm afraid that was it. And I'm afraid I'll never remember now.

[lawlessness45]

That dream sounds like it stirred up quite a bit of emotion. I want to offer you encouragement. I know this may sound crazy, but if your mind was trying to tell you something, it will keep trying. I did something similar when I first started to remember. I felt it coming up and just totally shut it off. If you aren't ready to remember, you won't remember. Be gentle with yourself and trust that your body knows when you are ready. Hard as hell to do, but I wish someone had said something like that to me.
Even if it wasn't abuse that doesn't mean your brain wasn't trying to tell you something. Maybe some other trauma? Witnessing a accident or someone else being abused counts too. Or maybe it was just a crazy dream that your brain decided to dump on you. I'm not a therapist (or dream analyst). I just want to encourage you to hang in there. And trust that if something did occur, your brain will bring it up when you are ready. And if it didn't, have compassion on yourself. Life is hard. We all reach a breaking point. A point where we scream up to the sky, "what the F is wrong with me?" I did, at least. But you are still here pushing past it. Still alive.
Best Wishes, Wren.

[Wren]

Thanks lawlessness!
I had completely forgotten I posted this a month ago. It's been a crazy month for sure. I guess I didn't expect anyone to respond. Your words are kind and I do appreciate them. I had a "something" come up some weeks back but I can't tell if it's a real memory or something I made up. It hurt like hell at first but there's this lac of pain there now. Who knows. Anyhow. Thanks for listening!