Thane's Ego Is 2 Legit 2 Quit

[ThaneRising]

(and is also unaware that it's not the 90s anymore)

I had a dream that I was interviewed by Paul for an episode of MIHH. It was a pretty fun dream, actually- Paul reached out to me after reading my forum posts (this is already terribly narcissistic, I know) and he asked me if I was interested in doing an interview with him. I, of course, was flattered and accepted, and he even paid to fly me out to his place in L.A. (the idea that Paul would have the money to spend to be able to buy me a round-trip plane ticket is indication enough that this is a lucid dream). And the interview felt great- Paul was really cool, we got along well, and best of all, he hung on to every word I spoke. I was worried that he would try to push the idea of taking medication during the interview at some point in time, and I was prepared to side-step the topic as best I could, but he never brought it up; it was like he knew that I was uncomfortable with that topic (but then again, I guess it wasn’t that remarkable since it’s my dream and I’m able to control things- it was also 60 degrees in L.A. in my dream).

Without overthinking anything (AKA “the less fun way to do things”) I probably had this dream because I’m listening to a shitload of MIHH episodes- I discovered the podcast not too long ago, and I’m indulging on many of the episodes I’ve missed. But I think I know the real reason why I had this dream, and it’s certainly not the first time I’ve had a dream like this- in fact, I remember having a dream about being interviewed for a biography months ago, which was another dream I enjoyed the hell out of. I’ve always been someone who has enjoyed talking about himself, but as of lately, the feeling has been insatiable. Whether its meeting a stranger at a bar and telling them about the things that have been going on in my life for the past couple years (the “stranger friendly” stuff, mind you), or talking to someone I’ve known for some time and deeming them close enough to be able to share something really heavy with them, I just want to keep talking, and I just want to keep having people interested in all of the things I want to talk about. On the days when I get that, I go to bed with a smile on my face; and on the days when I don’t get that, I toss and turn the entire night with resentment.

Just like how I’ve always enjoyed talking about myself, I’ve also always felt that I’ve never had enough people that were willing to listen. And at a certain point, I understood that’s just the way things are. I started to learn years ago that I would wear people out if I kept making things about “me me me,” so I would make sure to give them tolerance breaks from my long-winded, ego-centric monologues. And at times, I would operate fine with that fact, and at other times, that fact- that inability to talk to anybody because I know for the most part they aren’t interested in talking about me- really gets to me. I can’t track the cycle of this elegantly- I can only say that at times, the coin is on one side, and at times, it’s on the other side. It’s foolish to think that there’s always going to be someone that’s just as eager to talk about me as I am, but sometimes when the thought that nobody wants to talk about me sticks around in my head, it ends up making me feel really alone, and I translate that thought to mean “nobody cares about you, and if you died right now, life would go on and nobody would be affected.” These two thoughts in my head go hand-in-hand together like a wrestling tag-team, and when they get some time in my head, they manage to do damage.

[cry baby]

When i want to talk about nothing but myself, I go to therapy where i pay for someone to listen, & they have to do it-ha!