Sixteen pages to be delivered to my Mother on 03/28

[Lilac]

My mother is the same way!! For my whole life, and even now, whenever I was upset or angry, my mother would tell me I was just tired. I spent my first 35 years taking a nap whenever I got angry. I still sometimes think that I am 'just tired' when I am angry or sad. Then I stop and take a breath and really listen to what I am feeling.

I can understand your sadness at getting one sentence back from all of your efforts. You put all of that time and effort into exposing your tender spots and she couldn't do the same in return. My parents are the same way. I have come to reailze, through therapy of course, that they just don't have it to give. Sure it makes me really mad some days but I can't make them do anything or be anything other than who they are. It seems like your mother is not being the mother that you need and that is a sad and lonely thing. We all want nurturing and caring parents.

Can you ask your husband for a little more nurturing? Can you ask him to do something small and meaningful to help you feel nurtured? Please remember that HE CHOSE YOU! You are not tagging along in his life. He wants you by his side to share his life with. Out of 6.5 billion people in the world, he picked you. He thinks you are that special. Lucky you.

I think we have to nurture ourselves (I learned that in therapy too). We have to give ourselves love and caring and be good to ourselves every day. I nurture myself by taking time every day to paint. If I don't have the time for that, I take the time to watch the sunset or pat my dog for a while. It is the little things that we do for ourselves that help us to feel nurtured and more human.

Please remember that it is not you it is her. You are evolved enough to know what you need and ask for it. She my not have that skill. It is not your responsibility to take care of her. You must live your own life in the way that is best for you. She is an adult. She is responsible for herself. It is ok to take some time away from your mother to heal yourself and find out who you are. Later, when you are feeling stronger, you may want to reach out to her (or not).

Thanks for the topic. It helps to share. I hope you are well and above all, be good to yourself. You deserve it. Lilac

[bigeekgirl]

Thank you, Lilac, for your response. It means so much. It was okay for me to have a headache or cramps rather than being upset or wanting privacy.

I do very much believe one reason I'm able to see the lack of nurturing I got as a kid is how my husband and his family treat me with such warmth and kindness. Not that they are perfect, but they are a family with love where everyone's needs matter. The fact they aren't perfect is actually better. I could right off a cookie cutter family with no major issues but a family who's been through shit and still hits those nurturing notes makes me face my past. My husband's superpower is empathy. I do feel very cared for even if I'm not always good at accepting it. I don't feel like I deserve it and do my best to be the awesome wife he seems to think I am.

I'm also much better at self care than I used to be. Meditation helps, workouts, pedicures along with enough sleep and working on creative stuff often enough to keep myself focused on what is good about life. Letting go of guilt of leaving "important things" undone to work on a sewing project or just read in bed has been a process I couldn't have started without meditation and therapy.

It's all so new to me. Like false memories were erased and I found out in my thirties everything I thought wasn't real. I don't want to mourn it even if it seems I don't have a choice because it wasn't real to begin with. I told my best friend how sometimes I feel like a pod-person, dropped on this Earth from some outside culture with no real understanding of humans.

While being sad and green with envy over other people's family bonds, I'm also trying to figure out what my next move is to be. I'm at a blank wall. I was originally going to send Mom a birthday card but I missed the boat on that. At this rate, I might wait til Christmas. I thought about a letter, but I have nothing to say except the impulse to keep explain what she doesn't grasp. But why would I keep singing my songs to someone without the ability to hear? I don't want to keep asking for the emotional stuff she keeps proving incapable of giving, but I can't imagine wanting just a superficial relationship. I do believe in the idea of doing enough to satisfy in myself the need to be a good daughter. Yet do I even know what that means? I want to be open to the possibility of my hypothetical future children knowing their grandparents even though they live on the other side of the country. Talk about borrowing trouble since I don't even know if it's possible for me to get pregnant.

Thank goodness I go to therapy Friday...