How do you know when to cut ties with a non-abusive parent?

[KT0000]

Thank you so much, Heather. What you said is really comforting and validates exactly how I feel about my mother. I am also trying to support myself in the way I needed, and it while it may not replace what I needed my mother to be entirely, it is definitely a good foundation.

I'm so glad you are also doing this for yourself. You are worth so much more than feeling like you need to spend your life trying to atone for someone else's mistakes. What helped me is realizing that the anger I feel toward her has kept me outside of myself, like I was always out somewhere fighting that vague battle, instead of being "at home" with who I am (if that makes sense. ) Sometimes moms just aren't capable, and that's life, but you are still allowed to let go.

Love and hugs to you!

[Heatherwantspeace]

A real turning point is when I asked my therapist "do I HAVE to love her?" and she told me no. I'm not saying this is for everyone, but when the whole world is telling you you should have a "special" bond, and you don't, it's so freeing to just let it all go!
Thanks for sharing! I'm supporting you here from the sidelines!
Heather

[snoringdog]

Hello H & K

Glad you both could connect here...

I happened to find this under the "Getting Help/ Literature" section..... maybe worth a look?-

Best,
Snoringdog


Mothers Who Can't Love
Post by FrecklesMcGee » May 5th, 2016, 9:15 am

Full disclosure, I'm not all the way through this book yet, but so far what I've read has been transformational for me. It is written for women who grew up with unloving mom's. She identifies different types of unloving mothers and the effects that each type has on young girls. The part of the book that I'm in right now is an instructional section for writing a letter to your mom that you will never send. She breaks it into four parts: part 1 - this is what you did to me, part 2 - this is how i felt about it at the time, part 3 - this is how it affected my life, part 4 - this is what i want from you now. She gives very detailed examples of how to write this and make it personal. At first I was just listening and "writing" it out in my head, but then I said fuck it, I'll do this for real. I sat down last night and wrote five pages! I feel like I could write more. It was like the more I wrote, the more the memories came flooding in. It's helping me connect the dots as far as why I have such low self esteem and why I feel like a burden when I share my feelings with other people. I'm working through this stuff in therapy, but this exercise has brought some things into clearer focus. I would definitely recommend actually doing this exercise if you think this book speaks to you.

Title: Mothers Who Can't Love
Author: Susan Forward

[Heatherwantspeace]

Thanks snoringdog! I like this and will definitely give it a go.
Heather

[KT0000]

This looks great, snoringdog, thank you. I will look into it.

Heather, I just discovered a book, not sure if you've heard of it already, called "Daughter Detox" by Peg Streep. I have not read it yet, I have a copy on the way. But from what I saw on Amazon it looks really helpful. She also has a whole blog devoted to daughters with complicated relationships with their mothers:

https://pegstreep.com/mothers-and-daughters/

[KT0000]

sorry Heather, I think Peg Streep's blog might be under construction, when I browsed it a couple days ago it had a lot of great posts. Maybe just Google her for now, she has some great stuff on Psychology Today.

[KT0000]

Ah, nope, I just had the wrong link. Here it is:
https://pegstreep.com/mothers-and-daughters/blog/

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi KT,
thanks! I found The emotionally absent mother by Jasmin Lee Cori to be super helpful. She talks about connecting with the child there which I found really calmed my anxiety. There was a message trying to get out and I just needed to ask. It was almost always about not feeling safe and I could reassure the child that I was an adult now and I could protect her.
I hope you're doing well today. Big Sunday hugs!
Heather

[KT0000]

Thanks Heather, I just checked it out on Amazon and I'm going to put this on my reading list too. I like how she specifically mentions how it's up to us to "complete the developmental tasks" that were left undone in childhood. That makes it so clear what needs to be done besides just understanding what happened. Can't wait to read it! It's so comforting to see all the resources out there, and to be reassured that this emotionally absent mother effect is a Real Thing.
Hugs to you