No Emotional Support to Work Towards Growth

[bahbahblacksheep]

I've been lying to my parents about my job situation for the past 3-1/2 years. I quit my FT job due to unresolved emotional issues after having struggled with them for years through college and not focusing on obtaining intensive care for them. The lies are crumbling and now my parents are questioning whether I've been lying to them.

I get it. I'm turning 28 this year, and it's a point of concern that I'm not economically self-sufficient. I'm not hitting these milestones that a lot of my peers are hitting. I'm worried as well.

But I also felt like my parents weren't equipped to help me. They're conservative Asian immigrants who put a premium on stability and practicality. Mental health is just beginning to emerge as a relevant aspect of life, but even less so in Asia. If I felt secure in sharing with them, I would have. If I felt that they knew how to help me, I would. But I don't. I don't think that they're in tune enough with the emotional world to know how to properly guide me towards a more grounded existence. It's frustrating because there are people in my life who criticie me for lying, but I feel like I'm just protecting myself. Maybe I'm wrong, but isn't it the job of the parents to convey that they are offering a safe space to share?

My mom has also told me that I shouldn't be looking for help outside of the family because, in the end, nobody else in the world cares about you except your family. I'm not sure how to feel about that. This type of mentality has skewed my view of friendships/relationships for so long. It's true that otheres will let you down and vice versa. It's true that sometimes you reach out to others for help and they abandon you -- BUT it's also true that other people need to set boundaries to protect themselves. I get it. Friendships are a delicate dance. But is her stance a little extreme? She doesn't have many friends either, and she barely keeps in touch with anyone else. Her own family is so toxic. They talk crap about each other behind each other's backs. They compare themselves with each other with regards to material possessions. They act out the ceremonies of family relations e.g., getting together during holidays, but it doesn't seem like they care about each other at all because everyone's got their heads up their own asses and are so self-protective. I don't even think she has healthy relationships in her life and she's trying to teach me what healthy relational ties look like?

I just feel so stuck. I'm trying to figure things out -- personal beliefs, motivations, goals -- but it doesn't feel like an environment that's conducive to doing so. Some may ask, 'Well, wy didn't you figure tose things out earlier?' To that I say -- because I was depressed and dealing with unhealthy eating behaviors, so yes my emotional/mental growth was stunted. Yes, I understand that I am emotionally immature and there's a lot of room for me to grow. But I can't just take some magical elixir to obtain enlightenment. I wish I could do so, too, so that I didn't feel like such an anomaly. I just need to have room to live and learn.

And yes, I'm 28 and I don't need to listen to my parents anymore. I can develop my own opinions and beliefs. That's what I'm trying to do now, having grown up not thinking about what I believed in -- pretty much just went with the flow all of the time. But I'm too vulnerable to not be influenced by their opinions right now. Which is also why I wanted to keep some distance between myself and my parents -- I need to have viewpoints that are divorced from what they want for me to be.

Haha I apologize for sounding like an adolescent. My therapist tells me that, because I didn't develop myself emotionally and identity-wise as an adolescent, I'm doing so now. This was a rant, definitely a rant.

What a life. What a world. I'm convinced that 90% of our difficulties are self-generated and completely avoidable if only everyone received annual visits to a therapist.

[manuel_moe_g]

It was a well written rant. Please keep writing.

[hobojungle]

Your point of view would be most welcome in a support group. I've been regularly attending a support group for mental illness & it has helped me grow emotionally. Best wishes in your journey.