Narcissistic Elderly Parent Ill

[walklikeanegyptian]

So I'm 56 and haven't had much, if any, of a relationship with my clinically narcissistic and now elderly father. I just got a call from my brother to say that my father is in the hospital and I am needed to "take a shift" to assist in my father's care.

I have suffered from chronic depression my entire life. I have tried to get financial help for therapy and medication from my parents (who are extremely well-off), but was told time and again that I was "making it up", "asking for attention", "you're an adult now, you're responsible for yourself", etc. My siblings never lost an opportunity to make the same statements to me. My family enjoys making one person the bad guy. When I'm not around, they will turn on someone else.

My two sisters are married and have financially supportive husbands who helped put them through graduate school. I have had to support myself my entire life, since I was 22. I put myself through graduate school.

Years ago, after I told a friend of the family that I had recently gone through a suicidal ideation period and was in desperate need of a good therapist, she left the room and came back with a check for $3,000. With that money, I found the therapist who basically saved my life and changed the trajectory of my life. To this day, I still am having "awarenesses" of her work with me, which I pass on to the people I work with, which I can do since she taught me what love and support without drama look like.

My father's wife (my step mother) is an unbelievably cold bitch who has done everything she can to keep me away from my father. She waits on him hand and foot. My narcissistic dad thinks she can do no wrong. He and I have had lunch a few times in the last few years, and at one point I wanted to record his "stories" (about the war, and his childhood, etc.), but for some reason in the last year, I just lost interest. I think I finally realized, after decades of therapy, that (1) he does love me, but only in a way that's convenient for him, and (2) my stepmother just makes it too hard to see him and I don't have the emotional strength to try any more.

I live 40 minutes away and have for decades not been included in Father's Day, family get-togethers and holidays, unless it suited my father's need. For example, a few years ago, no other family members were available to come to my dad's house for Thanksgiving. He called me up and practically demanded that I come over, even after I explained that I had made other plans involving cooking for other people. His request was: ''Well, can't you just change your plans?" This is extremely typical of how all arrangements are made -- for and at his convenience.

As he's gotten older, he's softened a little, but it's really miniscule.

In the past, when I tried to have more contact with my father, and tried to "get invited" to family events, if I voiced my needs or schedule or commitments and asked (ever so politely) to have my schedule/commitments taken into account when the family makes plans, my stepmother told me I was being selfish and self-centered.

Additionally, my brother (rage-aholic) married a crazy trophy wife who has kept me and my mom away from her and my brother's 3 kids. Again, I live 40 minutes away and have never been invited to a dance recital, a lacrosse game or a graduation. The crazy trophy wife has recently gotten into therapy and is on medication. She is really pretty scary.

2 years ago, I decided that I wasn't going to try to be involved in any of my blood family's lives unless I was asked, and then only if it was emotionally healthy for me. This has worked very well so far -- I don't miss them, and I see my mom and dad (separately) seldomly and enjoy it when I do. However, we don't talk about anything in my life -- partly because they really don't ask, and partly because I don't encourage it. We talk about THEM!

Will I regret not "taking a shift"? My brother wants me to come tomorrow and partly I can't, and partly I won't. I have to work on Sunday -- typically, he seems surprised that I have a life/work/commitments. I said I would come Monday morning.

I'm not so worried about what my family will think -- they'll criticize me no matter what I do. I guess I'll just go, and see how long I feel I can stay and take it one day at a time. But I am worried about being asked to shoulder a bigger burden. I can't do it financially or time-wise (I support myself) or emotionally.

Well, my brother will take over anyway. I'll do what I am comfortable doing.

Also, it makes me sad -- this is coming to the end, and I never got the father or the family I wanted. Fuck that shit. That's what makes me sad.

I am developing other friendships and "family" and it's not perfect but it's a lot better than what I had with my own family. I'm doing really OK. I just don't need my emotional triggers fired by my family anymore. And it makes me sad that, like I said, this is the end, and I really am never going to get the father or the family I wanted.

[weary]

I'm sorry. That sounds incredibly shitty. Their denial at how fucked up they all are makes it all the crueler that they belittled you for seeking help - you seem like the only one in the family willing to be honest and vulnerable and take responsibility for your issues and you get shit on for it. I'm really glad that you got a good therapist and learned how to fix your own life, even if it meant less involvement with theirs. The last few paragraphs of your post suggest that you have rally learned how to develop good boundaries and a good sense of self preservation and self worth in the kids of this chaotic, needy family (which I know from my own experience is really really hard, especially when you live close by). I hope that yiu can get something positive from, as you say, doing what you are comfortable doing. I respect and admire your ability to recognize the limits that are healthy for you and to acknowledge your sadness at losing the dream of a better family that you hung on to. Best wishes.

[walklikeanegyptian]

So around 7:00 p.m. I called the "contact" relative to arrange to "take a shift" tomorrow and I haven't heard back yet. In all probability, my cold bitch of a stepmother, who NEVER (and I mean NEVER) misses an opportunity to martyr herself, decided that I shouldn't be called, since I was being so selfish for not dropping my life to come when I am called. If that is the case, I am relieved.

I started to have some anxiety this afternoon -- it didn't help that I hadn't taken my meds last night and that I was hanging out with THE most negative friend I have (with whom I severely limit contact, but we had already made plans). I took some rescue remedy so I was able to stay relatively steady. But I got a taste of how fucked up I use to feel. I am NOT going back there!!! I even started preparing an excuse for not going tomorrow, if I am asked.

Actually, if I do get too anxious, I won't go to any family event, no matter what the consequences. This has happened probably 2 or 3 times in my life. In the past I've even turned around when I was halfway there and just begged off that I was sick. Of course, the family member(s) become enraged. Looking back on those particular events, I have to marvel at how tightly wound and unhappy my family members are to not even bother to ask if I am OK. Instead, it's "so-and-so went to a lot of trouble to prepare this meal, etc., etc. Really amazing.

I spend an enormous amount of time and energy keeping myself balanced and being gentle with myself, and I have no intention of undoing that work. In this case, I would say that my anxiety serves me extremely well.