Withdrawing from wife and family

[Delirium]

I am diagnosed as bi-polar II. Most any time when I'm in the clutches of an depressive episode I find myself withdrawing from everything and everyone. If it starts during the work day I have trouble feeling compelled to complete tasks and just "go through the motions". When I get home, I am disinterested in my wife or step-son as well as anything that might be going on that evening. If we have plans with friends I usually abandon them. I go straight to bed, sometimes chasing a few OTC sleeping pills with a beer and cover myself under the blankets.

Yesterday I guess I was in some form of mania...or hypomania rather. I picked up my step-son from school and on our way home I found a crew of guys trimming trees down the street. I stopped and asked what it would cost. We just moved into a house and the previous owners were not very fastidious in there upkeep of anything, including the yard work. The guy said he would send someone buy to take a look at our property with me and give me a free estimate. I mentioned to my wife when she got home that that was happening. She saw me walking around the yard, front and back, with him. He and I negotiated a price of $1,300 and he said his crew would start tonight with whatever daylight is left and then continue the following day. When I went back to tell my wife she got pissed and said, "we don't have the money for that", which I felt like we do. She sort of scolded me as if I were a child in front of our 9 year old.

This in turn got me pissed off and I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I felt like she undermined or showed my little to no respect in front of my step-son who I already feels like thinks I "don't make the rules". My wife and I stayed up until 9 or 10 "talking". I didn't want to do that and I told her I didn't want to. She persisted, as she always does. By this time I had taken two sleeping pills and my medication for that day with a beer. She is 7 months pregnant. With twins. I have busted my ass to find us a home and get us a loan to accommodate our growing family. Doing what I do (architecture) there were many things I wanted to fix or improved with the home right away but knew we couldn't do everything at once. I did a lot of work myself scraping texture off of ceilings, moving all our belongings (with the help of a couple friends) and floated and painted areas throughout the house. I also put together furniture on an almost nightly basis each day after work. Last night I told her I was done with all of that. That I didn't feel like the relationship was equitable and that she bought things for our new home and I wanted to invest some as well. I told her I was done helping with everything. That she could call the guy to cancel the tree trimming, deal with the upkeep of the yard herself and figure out a way to get the baby furniture along with anything else SHE wanted done herself. She said that was "a low fucking blow". I told her "good night" and she said "fuck you".

I feel like our marriage (which is less than 2 years old) has a myriad of troubling issues: trust, financial disagreements, intimacy (or lack thereof). She asks me if I want to "fix it" or if "I'm done". I don't know how to respond to this. These aren't new things and we've had the discussion on the above before. We generally have a good relationship but I don't feel respected or appreciated in my own home.

I left this morning without saying goodbye and turned my phone off for today. I don't necessarily HAVE to work late, but I can and I plan on working as late as I can to avoid any more discussion or confrontation. As the weekend approaches, I also just want to leave town and stay with family for the weekend, alone. I just don't want to deal with it. We have made it through a lot together and have both made sacrifices for the other, but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm cut out for this life.

Obviously today I'm feeling depressed, angry, lonely and exhausted.

[manuel_moe_g]

I hear you. Your back is against the wall, on top of your mental health challenges. Please take care.