I'm ready

[justsomeoneinacorner]

I am a conspicuously calm and rational individual. I'm good at shrugging off shallow insults, identifying potential misperceptions and working my way through complicated conflicts. My fairly wide and diverse social circle almost exclusively consists of even-tempered, amiable people. While miscommunications abound, serious conflicts are rare. When conflicts do arise, the fact we all see each other as equals and generally give each other the benefit of the doubt seems to go a long way. Some egos are certainly bigger than others, and some are more lenient than others, but on the whole very little disturbs the peace.

My family is another story, especially my parents. I know transitioning from child to adult can be difficult for anyone, but right now I am stuck in a web of mis-communication and conflict that is several years old. My relationship with my parents has never been particularly good. Perhaps it was when I was very young, but those days were long gone even before all this started. My first semester of college and the days leading up to it are when things took a turn for the worst. I had struggled with very serious depression, silently, for years prior to that and the weight of my classes seemingly exacerbated the problem. I became suicidal and ended up spending an uneventful weekend in a mental hospital. I knew this was going to be something of a problem, seeing as my mother was an ultra-religious, life long mental health denier and my father was a moody, unpredictable, unstable, angry mess.

Let me start with my father:

The major incident hinged on a miscommunication. I was covered under my father's excellent, comprehensive health insurance at that time, and when he got a statement from the hospital he thought that the charges billed to the insurance company was what he owed. He flew into a rage. This was not uncommon at this point, and I had seriously considered cutting him out of my life before that, but this was the final straw. After sobbing like there was no tomorrow, I pulled myself together, identified the area of confusion, called our health insurance provider to verify and communicated this to my significantly calmer father who seemed to have realized his error. At this point there was a second chance for redemption - it turned out that there was a small, legitimate billing problem. I was charged an "outpatient co-pay" when I should have been charged an "inpatient co-pay" I believe the discrepancy between the two was about $300 which I was ready and willing to pay. But instead of admitting that he had made a huge mistake and sorting things out in a straightforward manner he did this evasive, dodgy maneuver where he asked me to contribute some money to this huge bill that I totally still owed like, say about... I don't know.... $300? To add fuel to the fire, I later realized upon seeing the statement he had received that he had no idea why I was in the hospital and had never asked why or inquired how I was doing at any point.

I said that I'd pay it immediately, that I would buy my own health insurance as soon as possible and that I never wanted him to contact me, ever again. I assumed that would be that, but I occasionally considered ways that things could perhaps be mended, to no avail. No one from either side of my family approved of the break, even those who knew the details of what happened. I was supposed to "move on", and "forgive", both of which were clearly euphemisms for ignore what happened and continue on just as things were. This seemed ridiculous from the onset and somewhat soured relationships between myself and other relatives.

Now my mother is a different story. As I previously said, she was and is an ultra-religious, lifelong mental health denier. She attributed just about all mental illnesses to either demons, punishment from god, bad parenting, laziness, stupidity or occasionally various "unnatural" aspects of modern life in an industrialized nation. I had grown more or less accustomed to this, although it still ate away at me. However following my hospitalization her religious fervor reached new and terrifying heights. She somehow found a christian denomination that proudly proclaimed to be "the true faith". But no, more than that, that a particular segment of the true faith, that it belonged to, was even more holy and correct than the others. And yet more than that, that the leader of this particular, tiny, dilapidated church which belonged to this particular segment of this particular denomination was the purest beacon of truth and godliness which was now upon this earth. I don't think anyone ever directly said this, but it was very clear. This leader loudly, literally yelling, would proclaim that there was no such thing as depression! There was only sin! It is our sins that weigh us down and the sins of our corrupt nation!

I explored this for a while, but ultimately decided not to join. I saw the way that others shot down whenever they asked certain questions and found the praised layed upon quiet, submissive people to be odd. The leader evaded or outright ignored every single one of my serious questions about doctrine and history. The excessive focus on the wrongness of everyone else always overshadowed the supposed teachings of truth. It was as if he thought no one would notice that he scarcely taught anything as long as he poured out a caustic stream of how wrong everyone else was. I lived away from my family during the school year, but during the summer, I was back at home. They tried to break me down and force me into their sick religion and I submitted to just enough to keep the peace. All communication broke down and no one seemed to realize it. The change happened quickly in some sense, and insidious in another. Statements or questions that left room for skepticism were seamlessly replaced with ones which left no room for open discussion.

Things like:

"I've recently heard some disturbing things about the political entanglement of the U.S.A., muslims and christians in Yugoslavia."

was replaced with:

"Today I learned about the how the U.S.A. supported muslim terrorists in Balkans who in turn slaughtered Christians; it's outrageous! If only I had known before! and what are muslims doing in a Christian nation anyways?"

All the shades of grey from that horrific conflict were flattened into black and white. All Christians = good, All muslims = bad, USA = evil, corrupt monster

We all live in the United States by the way. A country which allows amazing religious freedom, including the right of individuals and groups to say things like this. A right which they would happily tear out of the hands of any person or group they objected to, such as but not limited to: Muslims, homosexuals, Wiccans, intellectuals, Buddhists, televangelists, feminists, turks, atheists, Jews, etc. All of which are supposedly corrupting and contaminating us in some subtle way. And, yes, you guessed it - were said to be the cause of much of what modern medicine ignorantly calls "mental illness".

The insanity of all this is crystal clear in retrospect, but at the time it was confusing and frightening. I wondered if I was possessed, or being punished, or being contaminated. I went back and forth about whether or not I should seek treatment, and if I should, then what kind? Should I try to find a Christian councilor, should I convert to this religion? It was a blurr.

Fast forward a few years. My mother had cooled off a bit, although many familiar holidays had been distorted into unrecognizable, ultra-religious things which always seemed to involve more self-righteous, self-assuring, circular discussions about how we were celebrating this sacred holiday "properly" and how the ignorant, lost and sinful everyone else was. I had by now figured out a few ways to cope - either put on a movie that we'd all seen a thousand times, do separate activities in the same room, or retreat to some area of privacy. My father and I had no contact since the incident, but that changed when his mother, my grandmother became ill and died. All of my relatives were leaning on me again, after all, this was a time for family unity. Somehow in all this, my father and I became de facto back in communication. Even after my grandmother's funeral had come and gone I was coerced into other family gatherings and they all got their way. I pretended that nothing had happened and that everything was normal.

Fast forward some more years to the present. My relationship with my dad is hovering in limbo. We see each other a few times a year but don't really have a relationship we've never addressed past issues and he's pitched his tent in the let's ignore everything camp. I'm on better terms with my mother, but we don't have a substantial relationship. We're entrenched in a sort of cold war that is, on a day to day level, kind of warm. However, I'm fairly certain that this could collapse should either of us step over one of the clearly defined boundaries.

I'm tired of living this way. I'm ready to be proactive and sort things out on my terms. I took a step in that direction a couple of weeks ago, and much to my surprise a torrent of memories and emotions welled up out of dark, depths I had long forgotten and overwhelmed me. I think that I have/am recovering from that very well, but I'm less certain about what to do next. My parents do not see me as an equal, so my usual method of requesting ever finer levels of clarification and explanation until I have a solid grasp of what happened and why isn't going to work here. There are some things, perhaps many things, that they believe I do not have the right to question them about, no matter how old I am. The only option they've each suggested is effectively to keep my mouth shut, bury everything and pretend that nothing happened; quite frankly that is unacceptable.

I'm ready.

[manuel_moe_g]

The only option they've each suggested is effectively to keep my mouth shut, bury everything and pretend that nothing happened; quite frankly that is unacceptable.

I agree that that is unacceptable, because you deserve more.

Please take care. I am excited for you and for the next steps that you have decided you are ready for - because those steps will lead you to the life you deserve. All the best, cheers, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.