My Boyfriend Is Kind of Mean To Me

[andi]

My name is Andi. I am a 20 year old female and I am in a relationship with a man who is the same age. We met about 1.5 years ago in our first year of college. We were neighbors in our dorm. From the very start, my bf was very committed to me and possessive. I could tell he found me attractive and beautiful and I think that's one of the reasons I liked him so much so fast; because he made me feel so wanted. That quickly turned into controlling behavior. Fast forward to now...we live together. He doesn't allow me to go to bars unless he is there with me. I am not really allowed to have male friends. He tells me that hanging out with my family once a week is too often. He argues with me about everything...even if he is wrong and he knows it. A few weeks ago we were with my sister and her boyfriend watching Undercover Bosses and it was the one with Hooters. My sister looked at me and asked if I thought Hooters was degrading to women. I gave my opinion and she and I started talking about it. My bf had to interject and give his opinion, which of course was the opposite of mine. Then while I was talking to my sister he interrupted and said in a VERY sarcastic tone of voice "oh you're right because..." just to be rude. No one really said anything for 5 minutes because it was just so awkward and he finally said "okay that was dicki-ish i'm sorry." It's just shit like that ALL the time. It's like my opinions don't matter if they are not agreeing with his. Also, he'll get mad at me for no reason. Once, he and I were at a concert with my entire family and he made up a scenario of me cheating on him in his head. He made me cry in front of my entire family and we fought the rest of the night over something that never even happened. He couldn't even remember what the scenario was, but he never stopped being mad. Also, I've recently been diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and now he blames our fights on that sometimes...he'll say that I'm being overly sensitive. He won't use that exact phrasing but that's how he makes me feel.

I know a lot of his treatment of me is because he has depression and he doesn't know how to handle it. He refuses to get therapy because he thinks it's stupid and "won't help." I am not a mental health professional or anything close so I could definitely be wrong, but doing my own research, listening to the podcast, and reading surveys, I think he might have BPD. He is insanely afraid of losing me and me leaving him even though I am constantly telling him I'm not going anywhere and that I love him. He also has a fear that I will cheat on him even though I've barely talked to any men since we've been together because he's not comfortable with me having much contact with other men. I have not and would not ever cheat on him. He told me yesterday he had thoughts of suicide. He's also constantly self-hating. His moods change so easily and he's constantly going from hating his family to needing them. Also, it seems like the only emotion he's in touch with is anger. He gets so mad at everything. Driving in the car with him is scary sometimes with the amount he yells. I want to help him but I don't know how. I am not a therapist and I don't know how to help him if he won't acknowledge he needs help. Does anyone have advice? I don't want to leave him because he is my whole world. However, I know he is bringing me down. I am finally getting out of the depressive state I've been in for 2 years, but I feel like he is holding me back. I feel like a terrible person for even thinking that. I want him to want to get better to help our relationship. I don't want to leave but I need help helping him.

-Andi

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Andi. Yes, your boyfriend is mean to you. It is tough to try to help other people who won't help themselves, like your boyfriend, who refuses to consider treatment.

[bigeekgirl]

Hi Andi. It is hard to watch those we love suffer and hard to imagine throwing away the love even when so many things about how we are being treated is hurtful. Without going into unnecessary detail, I will say many factors you mention were part of my first marriage, especially the intensity from the very beginning of the relationship and the mental illness.

I got treated for depression and anxiety, first in my early 20s. My depression was terrible in my late 20s and a factor in him leaving me. Living under those conditions for a decade made a person I'm not proud of. In my late 30s, I'm remarried and still working on my issues, that in fairness started before I met my ex.

Over the last 7 months, I have been in recovery for co-dependency after trying just about everything else. I go to a support group, have a sponsor, the whole thing. I wonder if you might relate to that description. For me, that feeling of being consumed with need for another person was definitely an issue. I'm still figuring out what love means when the object of my love isn't my whole world. I am learning to take care of myself - put my own oxygen mask on first - and set healthy boundaries. I have the honor and privilege of being in a group with others who are still in relationships with people who remind me of my ex and your boyfriend, but through their own recovery are able to live in peace even if the other person chooses not to change.

Check out this link: http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-mater ... tics-2011/

Feel free to PM me if you have questions.

[andi]

Thank you, that helped me a lot. It's nice to know others have similar experiences. I just love him and don't want him out of my life. It's just hard.

[bigeekgirl]

Hi Andi, thanks. I'm glad it was helpful. I hope you are doing okay. Feel free to PM me at any point or continue posting in this tread. We are a little forum but mighty supportive.

[common-bluebell]

Andi,

I totally relate to what you are saying. I had an ex who I felt was not treating me well. Every time he screwed up, he would do the same thing.. "Sorry for being a dick".. as if that made it better. I ended up leaving him, but even after doing that, I ended up missing him and questioning myself. It is not ever going to be easy to leave someone, even if it is someone who is treating you poorly. But we just have to try and do it. Keep reminding yourself that you are worth more. You deserve better. I know you feel like he is your world, but please know that you are a whole person without him. I don't mean to suggest that you wouldn't feel whole without him, but I would have to guess that is part of the issue. The way he is treating you will only make you feel worse over time. I think the sooner you get out, the sooner you can start to rebuild your "world" and feel more comfortable on your own. Also- side note- I am not being hypocritical. I just went through this break up and I live by myself. I feel so so alone. But I am hoping that in doing this, I will learn to feel okay without a partner and be glad that I did not let someone keep treating me poorly. We matter. Regardless of what someone else thinks about us or makes us feel through their actions. We matter. I am so sorry that you are going through this but PLEASE message me if you get lonely. And message me even if you decide you don't want to break up with him.. I don't judge. I just hope you make a decision that benefits your well being. I understand, and I am here.

-common-bluebell

[bigeekgirl]

common-bluebell makes a great point about him being your whole world. I would suggest even without leaving, it is healthy to take steps to change it. Make new friends, join new groups - check your local library for free events for grown ups, perhaps - and generally have a life outside of him. Even if it's only one evening a week, it can give you a sense of self outside your relationship.