Can I speak plainly about dating/attractiveness failures?

[oak]

Hi friends. I have good qualities, often nurtured by the kind, encouraging,safe environment of this forum.

Having acknowledged these good qualities, may I post here, in this thread, about glaring defects of character and sins of omission regarding my intimate life?

It won't be anything tawdry, but more like:

1. A "Dutch Uncle" talk

"A Dutch uncle is an informal term for a person who issues frank, harsh or severe comments and criticism to educate, encourage or admonish someone. Thus, a "Dutch uncle" is the reverse of what is normally thought of as avuncular or uncle-like (indulgent and permissive)."

2. 5th Step:

“We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

3. Festivus, since many a truth is spoken in jest:

"Airing of grievances"

During this quarantine I've not been able to run away from myself. Can I unburden myself here?

[manuel_moe_g]

Speak your truth, friend and brother.

[Beany Boo]

I thought you’d never ask. But don’t hold back.

[oak]

Thanks Manuel Moe and Beany Boo.

Like all good 5th steps, this is more about ruthlessly getting the uncomfortable past truths out, rather than trying to look good or be politically correct. And, also like a 5th step, I have a clear plan to fix this situation, but for now there has to be a reckoning, to clear the wreckage of the past so I can proceed in the present. And I'd rather risk doxing myself, and/or sound stupid here, in this very thread, and get the truth out than to continue to fail.

Hold onto your butts!

1. Poor Me

My brother died 25 years ago. That is its own host of constellations of trauma and dysfunction. For the post of this thread, let me be ruthlessly plain with myself, narrowly defined.

"Get over yourself!" I say to myself. I mean, really. So my brother was a great success with women in his short life. But I've moped around for the last 25 years: "Oh poor me: my brother got all the girls. I have no agency and I might as well mope into a lonely rest of my life because blah blah blah poor me."

Yes, he did very well with women, but that clearly does not mean a lack of available women for me (see next point!).

I can take my parents and surviving siblings' inventory (a catalogue of their flaws, as I perceive them) especially with broken-down, useless, destructive family roles that none of us agreed to, or want.

And yet I'm stuffing myself into a family role of my own making!

I've had it!

2. Agent of Female Desire

The fact is that women have desired me. At least two women, good women, have been ready to marry me.

One woman gently held my face and repeatedly said "I love you". She was beautiful and kind. She had lots of baggage, but if I had any sense I would have thrown her over my shoulder and run her down the aisle before she changed her mind.

Now, I was drunk then.

Not "drunk", as in "oh yeah, generally I was drinking most evenings in those days, but I wasn't actively drunk right that minute".

No! I was actively drunk right then! That is why she had to grab my face! The room was spinning.

Regret.

3. What attracts women nowadays

I've tried lots of things to date more, but to my surprise, last year I found out what two things actually attract women to me:

1. Practicing brazilian jijitsu

2. Pre-selection (ie women see my friends, good men, treat me respectfully).

So! I know what to do when this quarantine ends. But that is for another thread.

I would have guessed working out, better clothes, a great haircut but no, it is those two wholesome activities I'd do anyway: martial arts and friends.

4. In Which I Blame My Father

No good look into the warped psyche of a grown man would be complete with a bashing, deserved or otherwise, of the father (see Freud, Sigmund and Wars, Star)

While my father did an excellent job overall in raising and encouraging me, in exactly four ways he completely failed me. Here is one of them.

I offer you a small psychodrama, in two acts: the actual conversations we had, and the conservation we should have had. Enjoy!

Here is what actually happened:

Me, 1994 to present: I am so lonely! I wish I could date more!

Father: (says nothing, because he grew up in the era where men stuffed down their feelings,)

Here is what should have happened:

Me, 1994 to present: I am so lonely! I wish I could date more!

Father: You know what? There is a mall five minutes away from here filled with nothing but women. Come on. I'm grabbing the car keys and in ten minutes I want to be cheering you on while you go to the first pretty girl you see, even if you only ask her for the time. Afterwards we'll go get some tacos, and have a good laugh, celebrating your courage. Let's go.

Summary

Back in the 90s the worst thing you could do was "sell out". Boo selling out!

Now I realized I sold myself out, in the most boring and prosaic way: work is supposed to be a means to an end, but I let it become the end, the almighty goal of my life.

To make it through the day, to make it through the week, to make it to payday.

In practice, these are three moral goals: they are noble. Surviving is wonderful.

I just let the work get in the way of what is actually important. That is what the quarantine has taught me: I want to get back to martial arts, and dancing. I'm tired of work being my god.

And dating is a big part of that. And I have a plan I'd be glad to share with anyone here.

But for now, I am just going to get it all out. And let it sit there: stuff I haven't said or been willing to think about for 25 years, all here.

Thanks for listening.

[Beany Boo]

Okay.

It’s not your fault your brother ‘got the girls’

It’s not your fault your parents and siblings live the way they do

It’s not your fault the way women have treated you in the past

It’s not your fault that women these days are attracted to certain things

It’s not your fault that your father’s only attempt at advice on the topic was not really helpful

It’s not your fault that work life exacts unreasonable demands

You don’t have to struggle to ‘right these wrongs’ a moment longer.

You’re not responsible.

You can forgive yourself for wanting to be your own person and just be loved for that.

Anyone else would forgive you. I can, easily.

You’re not perfect, like everybody else isn’t. Your feelings are real. Even if they often don’t make any sense.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi Oak,
Thank you for trusting us with this. I want to let you know I don't feel any differently about you after reading this. I still hold you in the same high regard.
Heather

[oak]

@Manuel Moe, Beany Boo, and Heather: thanks for your encouragement and kind thoughts. You give me space to breathe.

Like all good 5th steps, I feel much relieved. There is nothing like a 5th step.

Thanks for letting me get that all out.

It is good to see all those secrets out. They lose their power to terrify, the power to hold me back.

[Heatherwantspeace]

I'm glad we could witness this for you and you're feeling some relief, Oak.
You got me interested in the 12 steps so I had a look tonight. I'm intrigued by "taking a moral inventory". If you feel up to giving me some thoughts on that, I'd love it.
Heather

[oak]

Sure!

There are many ways to do a 5th Step/Dutch Uncle Talk/Get It All Out, and I tend to think simplest is best:

1. Get a pen and paper and find a quiet place to think for about 5-10 minutes (this is plenty of time: remember, we are inviting our demons over for tea and a slice of cake, not a four course meal and a key to the front door of soul.)

2. Ask your psyche/unconscious: "What do I regret? What I am ashamed of? What do I need to get off my chest? What do I need to get past in order to heal?"

3. Write down anything/everything that comes to mind. Now is no time for editing.

4. If you are really honest with your psyche, it will bring up some uncomfortable truths, but remember that our demons can reward us with a gem.

https://twitter.com/yumisakugawa/status ... 625632768/

Doing the above is good. If you want to go a little further, feel free.

5. Find a friendly, open stranger to share your faults and failures with. For example, years ago I shared mine with a Unitarian minister, someone I had never met before, and it was completely lovely. Or, I shared my intimacy faults above in an internet forum, in this very thread. In general, I don't recommend sharing this with a family member, SO, or friend since they may try to defend your actions, and this is no time for defending our actions. In fact, it may be a good idea to share this with someone who kind of doesn't like you.

Caveats

Of course, we have to be grownups and responsible for ourselves:

a. Be careful about opening up your psyche to profound traumas etc. I strongly recommend meeting with a counselor beforehand if profound trauma could be brought up. What I describe above is powerful, and not to be taken lightly. Tread carefully, and use your best judgment.

b. Be careful about what you share with a stranger.

c. I think it is okay to get everything out, focusing on specific topics. Example: I got everything about attracting women, but didn't mention other important topics (finances, food choices, etc). One mess at a time is enough.

But in general I've found the psyche knows exactly how much to share and when. It is a genius.