Pig wallowing in the mud

[brownblob]

I have a confession to make. I am not doing the work. I am not healing. I have given up. I am not living. I am just killing time until I die.
This post and any subsequent posts to this thread will just be my ramblings. Forgive me friends because it may not always be positive. I just need a little space to let some of this shit out. Feel free to ignore and not read. I feel guilty for even being here when I read how everyone else is working hard. I am not. I am a pig wallowing in the mud and I don't know if I will come out of this or not.
I find myself sometimes wondering what it would have been like to have been a real human. I have lived a very small life that just continues shrinking. Much of my life has been lived in my imagination. I have had too much anxiety to engage with the humanoids. I have never felt like one of them. I feel like an alien trying to blend in and just hoping no one will notice me.
I no longer have any energy. I cannot concentrate on anything. I struggle to function. I enjoy nothing.
I feel like I should apologize for posting this and I know I will regret it in five minutes.

[oak]

Please do share!

I accept you just as you are.

I’m glad you posted, and look forward to more, when you are ready.

[snoringdog]

Hello Brownblob,

I am sorry that you are suffering so much, and wish there was a way to help you.

For what it's worth, keep posting and know that we are reading, even if there's not a lot to say.
(Sometimes, acknowledgement is all we can offer).

Keep breathing, keep posting..... Please.

SD

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello BrownBlob,

Your lived experience is more important, to us here, than some positive crap.

Because people are more important than the external noise of so-called progress.

And you are more than just some person, you are BrownBlob from the forum, we see the objective evidence of worth in your posts.

It is an honor to try to dive in the mud next to you and really get in there and try to see it from your perspective.

[Beany Boo]

I’m not doing the work either. I’m single and have been for a decade, and have not had a relationship ever that lasted or wasn’t gut wrenching. I’m in a long term low level job that I have no aptitude for but can’t escape. I struggle to maintain my accommodation and can’t see that changing. I have one friend who I haven’t seen this year.

I’m in long term therapy which has helped avoid near misses. I’m doing Pilates which is keeping me sane. When it doesn’t work I tremble on purpose in terror to try and release the tension.

My sister is a positive influence in my life and my mother has come around.

My best moments are sitting alone and anonymous in libraries or parks, or eating by myself in Asian stores.

The only thing that matters to me is regulating my feelings moment to moment. That is of great value. It would be nice though to fit in just. a. little. bit and have a future that made sense today.

I just wanted to give you a picture that you’re not alone in feeling deep uncertainty or inadequacy.

Your posts have helped me a lot when other stuff hasn’t.

[brownblob]

Thank you for all your kind posts.

[rivergirl]

Hi brownblob,

I value you and even if you never post another positive statement here, I would want to read your posts and would miss you if you left the forum.

I'm so sorry you're in this much pain and I wish there was something I could say that could make it better.

I know this will just sound like a cliche and I may have already said it before, but it isn't fair to compare yourself to other people who had a different hand dealt to them in terms of brain chemistry, upbringing, financial resources, and life experiences.

I don't think you're comparing yourself to me, but just in case you are, after five years of therapy I don't know if I'm healing. When I'm not distracted by being at work I'm still often desperate to escape feelings of dread, loneliness, regret, and sadness.

And you're not a pig, you're just a human struggling because this world is often a really hard place to be, especially if you don't grow up with enough love and security and getting your basic needs met.

I know none of this can really solve anything for you, brownblob, but I'm sending you love.

rivergirl

[MNyby]

< < < truncated > > >

I find myself sometimes wondering what it would have been like to have been a real human.

< < < truncated > > >

brownblob, I really hope you'll excuse me for using a very strange approach in dealing with information related to identifying possible problems that need solving. On this platform it means I only have words to study and I want to first ask why you wrote that which I isolated in that quote box above?

A "real human" is interesting. Firstly, you seem to be sure you are a human, yes? But that word that modifies --- "real" --- that is what has my attention here.

If you don't think you are a "real" human, then please let me ask you what sort of human do you think you are?

I am going to be brave and toss out the idea that you are a bad human. I do that because of what you have posted in this community.

So you are NOT a bad human. I hope you agree with that? You do, don't you?

So how might you want to describe your style of human? Might not be so easy, but maybe a good idea to think about it. Oh yes, that you ARE a human is a very big deal, by the way! We can get back to that later, though.