Well, I guess a lot has changed since my last post. My sex life and relationship has improved with a lot of talking - sometimes it's good to get perspective.
Now I have a whole new world of anxiety, my sister is having a baby. I'm going to have a niece in only a few more days. Her and her husband have always wanted kids and I'm so happy for them...but I can't help but selfishly feel annoyed? Maybe angry, even?
I thought that by living a 6 hour drive away from my family and FINALLY cutting all financial support from my mom, I was FREE.
Now here comes a brand new ball and chain of guilt and uncomfortable feelings. Now I have a brand new obligation to see this yet untainted member of my family and deal with everyone else.
Not only that, I'm just uncomfortable with how my niece will grow up. I don't want to play the "I go to therapy so therefore I know everything" game but honestly, now more than ever, I keep noticing how critical and downright mean my mother is when it comes to my sister's husband (of 10+ years!) and just her suffocating level of constant busyness combined with superiority - MOM KNOWS BEST. PERIOD. I remember how much my parents would openly criticize other children for being "wild" or screaming and crying and it makes me sick to think this will be passed down yet again. Emotional invalidation was our bread and butter.
My sister's husband cut contact with his emotionally toxic family but somehow willingly takes the sarcastic comments about his job, his eating habits etc etc from my parents. My sister also tends to make light of my dad's emotional distance and sarcasm and takes all my mom's criticism as the gospel. She is 6 years older than me but even now that the childhood squabbles are over I still feel distant from her because of her role as "mom #2." I don't dare question mom around her and I have consistently gotten "mom is worried about you because blahblahblah" phone calls from her when mom was emotionally unequipped to speak to me directly.
My girlfriend keeps reminding me that this is out of my control. Whatever amount of contact my sister and her family choose to have with my parents is not something that is up to me and I should just let it go. I keep hearing Paul's mantra that your feelings around people matter...and I don't feel good around my parents. I'm hoping I will be able to spend more time with my sister and my soon to be niece when I go up to visit on labor day weekend but I know we will all be together at some point. I think my mom can sense my distance but who knows... in my 4 years of living away from home, she has never called me. I always called her out of guilt. I'm just done with it. Now that I no longer have her money hanging over my head she can fuck off. I just hope she won't cry to my sister and upset her instead of oh, I don't know, connecting emotionally with her other daughter?
God help this little baby. At least my girlfriend and I will be there when she hopefully decides to leave that shit show.
Family roles, am I right?
