Notes from the undercat: shedding some chains?

[techchick]

Hi all,

I've been enjoying relative peace of mind for a few weeks now. This is probably the most "good" time I've had in years. And, for once, i think it might stay that way.

Why have things changed?

• I found a good Slack group that I participate in on a daily basis. Honest discussion of emotional pain is encouraged. When I go missing, people come looking for me in a non-intrusive way, and it's nice.
• Through that group I found Pete Walker's excellent book "Complex PTSD." I cannot recommend this book highly enough for survivors of childhood trauma AND neglect. Walker, who is a member of John Bradshaw's school, offers specific management techniques to combat inner critic and perfectionism, and to help strengthen self-regard. For those of us who shame ourselves for our symptoms (as we may have been taught to do) this book is especially helpful.
• Continuing to talk in depth with a therapist and a 12 step sponsor. These people TRULY do not judge me and have helped me cut way down on the self-shaming and inner loathing.
• Not giving a fuck any more about what my social life looks like. Up on my refrigerator is the statement "I will no longer shame or degrade myself for not being able to form or maintain intimate relationships. I was not given the tools to do so." Seeing that statement regularly has helped immensely.
• Cutting way, way back on coffee, which I had been drinking round the clock. The caffeine was exacerbating my anxiety (no shit) but it took a nudge from an occupational therapist to get me to try to cut down.
• If I go into a tailspin of obsessive worry or I exhibit some self-hate, I try to dodge the second arrow of shame over those symptoms.
• Frequent listening to Mental Illness Happy Hour. Paul is a genius at helping people to stop shaming themselves.

My previous posts, which are pretty despairing, are out there to read. I am now able to have some moments of real gratitude for what's good in my life: beautiful new condo, working from home, activities like banjo playing and mountain biking, online communities, great books, occasional laughs with casual friends. This is a sea change from where I have been at for years and years.

Will I ever have deep ties with any human being (other than therapist and 12 step sponsor)? Perhaps not. But, as Paul and some guests have noted, it's thinking deeply about the quality of one's life that impinges on the quality of one's life.

Posting here to keep myself honest about my progress and in case this might help someone else.

[brownblob]

Great to hear that things are going so well techchick.

[Imissmysun]

You are doing amazing work - and when one is isolated its hard to think that anyone else in the world has any idea what you are going through - it seems that everyone else flows into social interaction so easily - like water - I feel like I'm a big dumb rock - the water just separates around me not stopping to take the time to realize I have insight and worth - and would love to have friends - it is just so hard so very hard to open up - and it adds to those feelings of worthelssness - that you cannot seem to get outside validation - never considering that you could maybe validate yourself - (which sometimes feels as effective as tickling yourself) but it's something - I would love to have a social network and maybe some day I will at least a friend or two that would meet me for chats - not small talk but like philosophy and idea sharing and getting excited about geeky things - I very much miss the solidarity of drama productions - its like a summer camp for drama nerds - but I cannot guarantee my nights free for rehearsals - so until the kids are older I just wait and I do whatever else I can do

Anyway - it is so good to see you finding some solace and doing the hard work - I'm sure not every day is peachy awesome but you have gotten a lot of headway this last year - that is super kudos!!!!