Say What?: The Journal of HoboJungle by HoboJungle

[hobojungle]

Weepy this morn, but my period is in 4 days.

[hobojungle]

Period early. Lost wallet. Annoyed with myself because if I cleaned up my act I'd lose less shit, but it could always be worse.

[hobojungle]

Found wallet intact that night. Relieved + grateful.

Reading Women & Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Understanding Life Experiences From Early Childhood to Old Age by Sarah Hendrickx. Lots of varied & nuanced feelings about this. The gist: I diagnosed myself as being on the autism spectrum a few months ago. I'm 40.9 yrs old. Would it have helped or harmed me to have this information 37 years earlier? There are benefits & drawbacks to every situation. Life is just a crap shoot: you have to throw a bunch of shit against the wall & see what sticks. Whatever. I know now. The next step is gathering evidence to present at my next psych apt in one month. (Note to self--make appt.)

Nami group this afternoon. Didn't have one last wk due to Thxgiving & I missed the one before due to work. So I have a lot to share: new job + holidays + autism spectrum.

[hobojungle]

I shared a lot in group. It was more intense for me this wk. I cried thru the whole thing almost. It's good to express it, but not comfortable.

[brownblob]

Hi hobojungle
I'm just curious about support groups. What has your experience with them been and do you find them helpful?

[hobojungle]

Hi bb,
I really like this Nami support group. It is very structured, which I appreciate. Everyone gets two minutes to check in about their week & then we get into a conversation based on what was shared, led by two peer facilitators. It has been a powerful experience for me to see as well as be seen.

I also like Coda, but since sharing is optional there, I never do. I end up hearing something I need to hear from others' sharing though. It's like the forum here, but with in-person energy. It brings up more than writing, but writing is good too.

I have to work tomorrow. It's easier to show up than to call in. It's only 5 hrs. All I have to do is make it to the first break & then make it to the end. I go to my car on my break & do 15 minutes of mindful breathing.

I never know what kind of day I'm going to have until it's over, & then I am just relieved it's over. All I have to do is make it through this moment. I know I can do that because I already am.

I'm on page 93 of How to Be an Illustrator. I want to spend more time/energy pursuing this goal, even if it's just to fail miserably. At least then I'll know. So I will commit to finishing the book by the end of December 2016. It's slightly less than 3 pages a day. Very do-able, but we'll see.

[hobojungle]

Productive day off: sold plasma & went to group. Planning on spending the rest of the day reading. Smoked the last of my weed last night. Can't afford to keep up the habit. Spent the past year being mostly high anyway. I'm going to try & be sober now. I don't believe I am at all dependent--I just like it.

[hobojungle]

Triggered today at work. It was a reaction to sounds at first. Then I got on to the I Do Not Get People superhighway of my mind. I am so tired of traveling that route. I want to accept the fact I don't get people & use my attention/energy for something that is anything other than that. Preferably robbing banks in order to escape retail hell. I still love stocking though--it is very satisfying to my brain. So far I am fine without my weed, although I did forget how nauseous the anxiety makes me feel. When it's not making me fear shit. Oh what fun mental illness is.

[hobojungle]

Trigger Warning for graphic (dreamed) suicide imagery.

I dreamed an ex of mine took a running leap off a hotel balcony. On the sidewalk below was just a pool of blood with his disembodied hands.

dreammoods.com say:

"Consider what characteristics and qualities in that person you may be trying to "kill" and annihilate in your own self. Perhaps you hope that you are not like this person and are making attempts to get rid of those traits within your own self."

This is a person I dated from ages 19-22. We haven't been in touch since by my choice. It was a mutually dysfunctional relationship. I do hope I am neither like him nor like I was back then. I watched the movie Revenant recently & the grubby, bear-pelted Leo Di Caprio weirdly reminded me of him.

Started reading Escape From Intimacy: Untangling the "Love" Addictions: Sex, Romance, Relationships by Anne Wilson Schaef. On page 95 of How to be an Illustrator. I will make a point of catching up on that a bit more on my upcoming days off from the craft store.

Thank goodness for good books!

[hobojungle]

Now that I am not high, I am once again feeling the full force of my rage. I consider human life to be a curse & not a blessing. This world would be a better place if more ppl kept it in their pants. I just want to fucking scream when I hear miserable ppl wanting children. If you're miserable, just think how yr potential children will feel.