brownblob

[brownblob]

It's been a week and I have more failures than successes with my goals. I am still trying, and am trying to remind myself that it may take a while to change things. I am trying to fight the urge to call myself a failure and give up.

[bigeekgirl]

You didn't fail if you are still trying. Keep it up!

[rivergirl]

Hey brownblob,
I was glad to read your post about making changes. Just thinking about how you might want to change is a big deal. Any baby step you can take is a big deal, even if the next step is backward again. You're still trying and learning. I wish there was a way that some of your self-hate could be replaced by the regard that I have for you, so that you would know that you deserve to feel better.

rivergirl

[brownblob]

My attempts at change have not been successful. I am a failure. I am in a low place today. The future is scary and terrible. If a meteor wiped out the Earth tonight, I'd be okay with it.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Brownblob,

I am sorry that you are feeling so defeated.

I am trying to change my situation and my patterns of behavior too. These are two things that I have realized:

[1] with mental illness, it is very hard to change your patterns of thinking with the same brain that you are trying to change. I notice that I get depressed about progress in feeling less depressed, for example. Because of this, it makes sense to be gentle with yourself during the process, because there is every expectation that it will be very difficult

[2] The spirit that I am trying to foster during trying to change is that of (copying from my notebook) "tweaking and experimenting in a compassionate way to improve by degrees, especially using meaning as a measure of improvement. Notice that this is doen in spirit of self-forgiveness and patience"

I am thinking of you, wishing you strength, you deserve better than the situation you are currently in. Take care.

[rivergirl]

Brownblob,
I'm so sorry you were in such a low place, and I know that feeling of wanting it all to be over.

Change is hard even without any mental health issues. I don't think you're a failure.

I'm wishing you at least a little bit of compassion for yourself this week.

rivergirl

[brownblob]

So Tuesday was a bad day for me. Nothing bad happened, but I descended into a pit of self hate with that negative voice in my head getting very loud. I am not suicidal, but the voice in my head would like me to be. Anyway, I was down all day but muddled through hoping the next day would be better. My partner kind of sensed something that evening and asked me if I was okay. I just told her I was having a bad day. She wanted to know why. I told her nothing happened I was just having a bad day. She didn't understand. I didn't try to explain. I realized in this moment you can't explain how it feels to be this way to anyone who hasn't been there.

Two celebrities died from suicide this week so it is getting some attention by the media. I liked Anthony Bourdain. I liked him because he wasn't all sunshine and flowers. He loved travel, people and food. But he had a sense of humor and would complain if he wasn't enjoying something. I found him more relatable than other travel show hosts.

[bigeekgirl]

Hey brownblob - I showed up on the forum tonight to check on everyone. It's been a tough week, seeing all the articles about suicide. We visited with my mother in law tonight, so I was treated to the horror that is the evening news. They kept talking about the two deaths as if they were related and then talking about how talking about suicide can cause copycats. UGH!!! It's awful.

Anyway, I'm glad you are here. I understand having a bad day just because I'm having a bad day and it sucks.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for your posts here and under the topic of suicide, biggeekgirl. I wanted to write something encouraging after hearing the news this week, but I really had no idea what to say.

Brownblob, I liked Anthony Bourdain for the same reasons.

And I understand having a voice in your head that seems like it would be happy to see you destroy yourself. Mine has been pretty quiet the past couple of months, but I don't know if it will ever leave for good. I'm really glad that you're still here.

rivergirl

[bigeekgirl]

Both my therapist and meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg have suggested giving that "inner critic" a personification. A name, a wardrobe, ect. Mine is Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter - the purest evil, in my opinion. In Sharon's exercise, you invite the critic to sit down, have tea and take a nap. It sometimes helps defuse my critical self talk.