Dear sunlessgirl

[hobojungle]

Good for you in facing your money fears, that is huge SunnyOne, & I totes agree with the importance of self-care. The power of self-care is a solid foundation to care for others.

Love,
HoboJungle

[Imissmysun]

In a wonky place today - not really up or down not sad not happy and not even really blah nor am I unmotivated - its like I am in neutral - I didn't go to the gym this morning and that makes me feel like a flobby lazy butt - however I am going to go to a zumba class tonight and make up for it -

Today at work was looong and I am fighting the urge to just get up and leave - just leave out the door - I feel like no matter what I do no right at this job and I have lost the will to care - I would feel anxiety if my body would let me - but it won't - my mind just doesn't care - I do the best I can... However there are days like today where everything I touch seems to get more and more complicated - and I feel a little inept -

I think sometimes life might just be like that sometimes where everything that you touch just breaks - I am dearly hoping my relationship is on an up tick - but it has been a long haul - like a seriously long exhausting haul - but I am not a quitter - I may want to quit myself but for some reason other people are never a lost cause - I will beat a dead relationship until it rises on the third day and then dies again because I am still beating it -

I just want to find my happy button it has got to be in this brain somewhere behind all the walls and garbage I stacked up - I just sometimes feel ike it may be a needle in a haystack.....

[Imissmysun]

Also feeling very scattered today - like I just can't get my stuff together nor can I figure out what I am feeling - like I have an uneven jittery feeling that is not nameable - its not really anxiety - my heart feels like molasses - I am not feeling angry or excited I do not have the flush of color to my cheeks - everything about me feels numb except for my stomach it wants to go somewhere - to run somewhere it just won't tell me where or why - and my legs are antsy but I just want to close my eyes -

[brownblob]

Sending you some hugs imissmysun

[Imissmysun]

I love this forum -

Being heard here has helped me more that anyone here knows - I have been able to pick out pieces of my life to share and been able to actually state feelings I am feeling and let them be seen and heard - and also there is healing in helping or at least trying to be supportive to everyone here that I can -

I listened to some of Anneke's episode - she is the pedofile ring survivor and I want to be her when I grow up - I also really want to be Maddy the most recent episode when I grow up - both of these women have something I struggle with so very much and that is self acceptance and self love - that is my biggest enemy and taking these steps of self care are my first steps towards that goal - I want to just be ok with me - be ok with the skin I am in - and maybe honestly I will never be fully accepted socially in any circles but I want to be able to accept myself -

Maybe trauma is like a kiln it heats us up so that we can become more formed adults - I certainly feel that some of my pain and lack of support have given me insight into how important it is for children to be heard - I have been able to help my kids navigate some of their pain - only through my own - but I still am a work in progress I still am not as engaged as I would like - I am certainly not as ok with myself as I would like - I look in the mirror and I can almost see my skull - my eyes are sunk in and tired looking and my forehead is high and I just picture that I look dead and that I am a walking skeleton - that is kind of a dark thing to want to offer love to - but I klnow that I need to care more about myself - that I have to stop just automatically pushing off any compliments or rare positive self thought - I need to grow it - though I have no idea how - there in lies the problem - knowing what you want at the end of the road and having no idea how to get there - like when people say just think positive when you are in a depression - I mean seriously random person - if I could "just think positive" don't you think I would just do that - I mean I am not an idiot so if there was a simple solution like that I would do it - I just got triggered today - my person used to "go out with his kids" to the beach or to do something while I was at work and would "just happen to run into" his side girl there - he is going out today to the beach with his kids - so I am having a mini freak out - I mean people can change - and honestly he is allowed to take the kids to the beach and it most likely is increbily innocent but hearing that circumstance just makes my heart pound and my eyes well up and I do not know how to necessarily pull out of it - I don't want to be mopey

[Imissmysun]

Ok so here goes for today - I am in an odd mood today - I feel like kind of good maybe? I am trying to hold onto it despite the fact that it seems my person is in a miserable mood - why should I bend my mood to match and reflect his - why must our moods be crushed by those around us - I feel like when I have these rare days when I feel life around me and I am energized and I am light that I should try to spread it - but it feels like no one wants to hear my positivity when it is there -

Why are we as people so unwilling to accept the gifts we have - I know I have a lot of good qualities - but I never think about those things when I think about myself - the first things are the annoying or "bad" things I do which in the realm of things that people do are not really morally atrubutable - they are annoying they do not make me evil - I am feeling a little better accepting myself as an imperfect, healing physical being - being a physical being is so hard and limiting - sometimes I feel ike my feelings and thoughts are too large for my brain - like the real information about all of this is just out of reach and that is why I only get nano seconds of real epiphanal peace - because the dumb physical brain cannot hold those wave lengths and energies for very long -

I *think* I am doing my job with no mistakes today - I feel like I am *on the ball* as some would say - however when I feel like I have my stuff figured out something comes to knock me down - *** like with my finances - ooo look I have everything written down - except for these auto draws for you and your person'd gym membership that you forgot about - because your brain is too dumb to brain right **** so I am trying to keep that in mind for next month - because again I am imperfect - (why life has to *keep* reminding me of that fact I do not know)

*** ok now I have to breathe because I am remembering why my brain generally does not like me being happy - it likes to run through all the ways I am "not good"**** forgetting to put numbers in a check ledger is not morally reprehensible so I cannot call myself "bad" I would not do that to someone else -

[Imissmysun]

Soooo step son had an "episode" last night - he is a hand full and likes to direct all anger at me - he is 12 and likes to bully his sisters and threaten them and is like a cactus that really wants a hug - but only ever shoots darts at you - I want to be comforting and open but I also do not have the inate biological bond to him so it is very hard -

it leaves me shaky and upset and questioning everything - because I am horrible at being stern - I like setting boundaries for the children and giving structure however when they test - I have a really hard time being the bad guy -

I just feel really warn out and tired and like I haven't slept in years - and I honestly don't really want to be writing this right now but I am making myself -

Ok I think that is good -

I did something for me today o

[hobojungle]

I'm glad you were able to journal SunnyOne. Keeping on keeping on with your self-care & I will do the same <3

[Imissmysun]

So I swear I am alive I just have kind of fell off self care for a few days - I got a bug and when I feel run down I just fall apart - I sleep and run bare minimum maintenance on the house and try to not think about too many things - which means all my little side projects went in the waste bucket and I am scooping them out today and trying to get myself on the right path -

I need to get back to the gym and get my check book balanced - find a budget online to stick with and finish my application to nursing school (which is causing more feeling of anxiety than hope and I don't know why I think that is why it still sits unfinished or mailed out)

I am hoping to practice patience with my kids and breathing and yoga this weekend - I feel pulled in a lot of directions but I simply cannot be there for all of them all the time and they tend to all fall apart at the same time - so I get flustered and am unable to think about all that needs to be done to get everyone back to even feeling -

I've also been grumpy while being sick - sleeping a lot makes me feel like a sluggish bear coming out of hibernation - my energy is low - my balance is wonky - I felt stiff and achy and dizzy and just yucky - and so I didn't do much but sleep and kind of slump around like a swamp creature with a limp - I am feeling much better today and want to get back on with my good work - I was doing pretty well so I have to get my butt in gear and be my best version as my yoga teacher says constantly -

so here goes new day and all that - lets try to do better the next few days

[Imissmysun]

yup I fell off the self care wagon and I have been kind of a little mess - I haven't over spent but I also have not kept my register like I should - I got a little bug and that just took over my life - my fiance got really sick over the weekend and had to be hospitalized (he has cellulitis and when it flares up and it is always in the same part of his leg he gets really really sick really tired really painful and really flu like 10 times worse feelings) he needs really powerful antibiotics that you can't get without going to the hospital so he goes - but that leaves me alone with the kids which is over whelm and exhaustion and it was back to school shopping so... I am just really drained this day... I have no energy zero - my fingers are little dead weights that I have to manually move - they are sluggish little sloths on the end of my hands -

Last night my fiance asked me so compassionately what was wrong with me and I said as much as I could but that scared me I kind of froze because that sincerity just floored me - I felt like I had the floor and it unnerved me a great deal - I am really good at expressing my feelings here - anonamously in a journal - in person my brain goes away - it stops feeding me thoughts - it tells me no and slams the door on me like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum but at least I was able to express some of my fears - irrational or not I got them out there - it was a really nice night just for that fact - I just wish I didn't freeze in person - I wish I could talk to him like I talk to this journal - like I talk to my therapist - but she is like super safe to talk to - and he has almost left before - that scares me sooo much - well my co dependence that I do not know how to get rid of

He gave me insight into what he was struggling with and where we are directing our lives in general - it was beautiful and terrifying at the same time - and I felt like parts of my walls and parts of his walls were going away - and let me tell you the Great Wall of China has nothing on the personal barriers I have erected - they keep a lot more out than Mongolian invaders...

I just wish I could feel really happy about the moment of sharing - instead of this dead weight of body I have right now - it was a beautiful gift and I can see that mentally - I just can't seem to lift my brain and body up to the level of enjoying the moment -

I guess I have also been really short with the kids and I don't know what is wrong with me - I am not generally a short tempered person but I feel a lot of old anger at a lot of people in my past that I really never dealt with (I don't really do confrontory anger ... I passively agressive my anger)... I think that old anger - stuff buried way deep is leaking out - I just have no idea how to deal with anger - I tend to snark and be kind of sardonic and just put a grump face on instead of addressing any real issues - I think that will need to be the header for my therapy tonight -