littleraincloud's diary

[littleraincloud]

AS DEMOCRACY CRUMBLES, A ZERO RISES FROM THE ASHES: 'TIS I, RETURNED TO GIVE Y'ALL MORE UPDATES ABOUT MY BORING LIFE!

Everyone having fun watching the Tuesday Night Massacre? Still think it can't happen here? I'm losing my goddamn mind.

Before I get too much into politics, I'll start with the more personal stuff so I don't get lost in a rant and lose track of what I wanted to say. Well, the good news is that I have options. I've been accepted into two grad schools, one in the US and one in the UK. The US one will give me three years of schooling, waive tuition (though they still charge a lot of student fees and bullshit), but is not a very reputable program. The UK one is a program under the umbrella of a somewhat fancy university, and they have the tuition fees to prove it. I'm honestly quite surprised, because the UK program's decision came a bit late and I had already accepted the US school, but I have no problem two-timing them and taking back my acceptance if the UK program can offer me a better deal. Right now I am waiting to hear back from them on scholarships/financial aid, which they won't have news on until the end of the month.

I don't know what to do. I like both of the cities that the programs are in. Even though the UK school has more of a good reputation, at the end of the day I think an MFA program is a goddamn MFA program and it doesn't qualify me for anything anyway. I don't really want to take on more student loan debt to go to the UK, but also am convinced that democracy is over in the US and/or North Korea will nuke us at any minute, so...shrug.

Here are my options as I see them. ONE, I keep to the path that I'm on and go to the US school. Take three years to focus on my writing. Make do at a not-too-fancy school. Work as a stripper to pay off as much of my student debt as possible (but I have to lose 50 pounds first to be sexy/marketable and haven't been making any progress on that front, lol. Also, there is a danger to sex work that can't be completely discounted.). Stay in America and resist this administration, or at least see the fireworks up close and make myself feel better by saying that I didn't run away.

TWO, run away to the UK. Do the MFA program (one year), continue with their PhD program (three to six years, depending), even though I really don't want a PhD but would like the time. And maybe they wouldn't even let me in the PhD program??? What then? Work part time at a bookshop because if I stripped there I would lose my visa (I checked). Struggle financially, probably. Meet a cutie with an accent that I can fetishize. Get UK citizenship? (To be clear, this is in Scotland, which may become its own independent country and remain in the EU in the next few years, but who the fuck knows, either way it doesn't seem like that good idea to jump from the dumpster fire of America to the dumpster fire of Brexitland).

As you can see from my description, this really feels like a moral choice. I can't stop mentally beating myself up because SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE about America's current political situation but I have zero personality or organizing skill, and every time I try to get out of the house to go to a march or something (who knows how useful those are anyway) I give up out of sheer laziness/overwhelmedness. I would feel like a coward if I went to the UK now. I would also feel like I'm doing a reasonable thing and protecting myself from this hellhole country. But it would undercut this noble idea I have of myself as a fighter against injustice (what better time to fight than now?). But I really do want to go to that school, and I wanted to go before everything went to shit politically. Now I can't make a neutral choice because nothing is safe.

I'm very scared about what's happening in America. I fear we're losing our democracy. This is not pure hysteria. Things are bad. And I feel selfish still wanting to be a creative - who needs fiction writers at a time like this? - and making decisions that make me happy rather than making decisions that are for the "greater good" somehow. Then again, I'm not entirely sure which school would really make me happy. I don't know anything at all. Got what I wished for and now look at me! I'm more confused and unhappy than ever! And I'm still fucking single, thanks for asking!

[littleraincloud]

Feelings have been wildly up and down the past few days. Today I went from briskness to cheerfulness to near-crying to cheerfulness and back to crying again. Mid-morning to evening. Instead of feeling like I have two choices that could be good in their own ways, I feel trapped. Nothing can go right, nothing can be good. When I could be worrying about the big effect choices now will have on the trajectory of my life, I'm worrying about today's decision to eat fast food for the millionth time in the row even though I hate what it does to me, and then eating burger and chips for dinner on top of that.

I hate myself and know that I'm not a good writer or even an interesting person. Even my suffering is boring. Who fucking cares. I'm a waste of resources, a waste of life itself.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are not a waste. Please be loving to yourself with your diet, it is so important. Cheers, please know how valuable you are and how valuable your contributions to the board are.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Have you been reading my journal? =)

Let history decide what kind of writer you are. Enough to know that you are one. It's not easy work that's chosen you.

Sincerely,

Your audience

[littleraincloud]

Thanks for your support guys, it really means a lot to me.

So some things have been worked out since I last wrote. The Scottish university is charging me full overseas tuition, and I can't justify taking out $60K for one year of school and don't have the scholarships or backup money to make going there an option. So I'll be going to the US school instead, which is giving me a mostly free ride. It's the smart decision, if not the one that makes me happiest. But hey, I'm the only one who's on the hook for these loans (except for the fact that they go after your family if you become unable to pay), so I'm the one who has to be comfortable with the amount of money that I owe, and even right now with my undergraduate debt I think I owe more than the average person and am not happy about it.

Speaking of which, I just found out that my federal loans will be deferred while I'm in school, but not my private ones. Bastards. So that's another $350 I'll have to find for the monthly budget, living an expensive city for the first time as well. Fun!

It was my birthday recently, and it was fun to go out to a restaurant for dinner with the family, even though I feel like a loser for being the age that I am and still living at home and not really having my life together.

[rivergirl]

Hey littleraincloud,
It sounds like you've come a long way from back when you were struggling to complete your applications.

Oh, and happy birthday to you!

rivergirl

[littleraincloud]

Thank you, rivergirl.

Currently procrastinating on writing to ten different mystery people on Craigslist looking for roommates. It's really late to be trying to find a place to live by September 1st right now, so...yikes. The program coordinator at my school where I am definitely going now because that's the only reasonable option said something about trying to coordinate incoming students as potential roommates, and I did write in to her with my information a couple of weeks ago but she hasn't gotten back to me. I think she's pretty flaky. The school has no housing, so into the wild I go. I've never rented an apartment before, but have been in a shared housing situation/had a roommate. They were both pretty bad, lol. Honestly I just want some people to live with who will all pay rent on time and not cause drama. The big concern is expense because I thought I had a decent amount of money saved up but I'm just now realizing how fast it's all going to be sucked into the black hole of rent. And I still have those damn student loan payments, though I'm going to refinance or try to negotiate something because I literally can't handle all of these expenses all at once.

I feel like I haven't made any progress in therapy. I've been seeing this same person since maybe March and every week I just sit down on her couch and complain about how horrible my life is. She's bored with me, I can tell, but I don't know any other way to be. The rut I'm in is very deep. I can feel myself repeating the same complaints that I've been making in therapy for over a decade. Like she'll try to get me to take credit for something good I did, and my immediate response is, "But it wasn't good enough, and also what about all these other bad things?" That's genuinely how I feel! I can't feel good about brushing my teeth in the morning when I'm $62K in debt and I have no friends and I always feel overwhelmed by the simplest things and I can't get my weight under control and and and...It just feels disingenuous, like clapping for a toddler, when other people try to encourage me to celebrate my smallest accomplishments while these massive problems loom over my head.

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now.

[rivergirl]

littleraincloud,
You're facing some tough situations and choices, and I'm celebrating your persistence in moving forward, even if only a tiny step at a time. I don't have any wisdom to share right now, just wanted you to know that I'm reading your posts and I care. I hope you'll keep letting us know how things are going for you.

rivergirl

[hobojungle]

Sorry for your troubles littleraincloud.

[littleraincloud]

Hahaha I just got shot down in a video interview with a potential roommate because I'm not prepared to walk past three drug deals every time I walk to the train station. She was just trying to warn me about the nature of the neighborhood, but still...I feel soft and silly. Am going to see another apartment tomorrow, maybe that will go better? If not, I might have to live in this one place I saw today with ten roommates who don't know each other and a basement that smelled like piss (but they had on-site laundry!!!). God. I hate this.