Notes from the undercat: shedding some chains?

[techchick]

Good morning all,

I'm feeling very much alone tonight and I won't see therapist again till Wednesday. I figured I would share here -- maybe someone else is where I am.

I've made a metric f---ton of changes in the last year and a half: new job, sold the house, started therapy again after a long hiatus, moved to a new town. I've picked up not one but two musical instruments over the last 10 months. What's more, I turned 50 a few months ago... then my mom died after a long illness.

So that's external change, but there's not been much internal change for the good, ever. When I say no one loves me now that my mom's gone, I'm not kidding. If I died tomorrow, my mentor and my therapist would be upset, but only for a short while. But then again, I'm not sure I've ever loved anyone, either.

Love yourself? I can't even with that. I don't know what it means, and no one has ever been able to explain it or tell me how to get there. (Metta meditation upsets me, frankly, because I can't do it. I don't have feelings of love.) I can treat myself like a loved one by feeding myself well, buying decent clothes and furniture, getting myself out of crap jobs/living situations, talking to therapist/mentor. That is the best I can do.

But during the course of any given day I'm alone most of the time. How do people make friends? How do they enter into and maintain close relationships? I have no clue any more. I used to have people in my life to have coffee with or to go the movies with, not any more. I've been wandering around my house or apartment and talking to myself or the TV for so long that I don't know if I can do anything else. Conversations generally seem shallow and pointless, and I feel like i'm just going through the motions and there will be no good that comes of it.

I promised someone whom I chatted with through an online dating site that I would call them, but it already feels doomed. I tried harder to date, years ago, but the results weren't good. So my pattern over the last 15 years has been solely to obsess about unavailable men but not to act on it in any way -- sexual anorexia as Paul puts it sometimes -- and that habit has become a deadly embrace.

So in some way, any kind of change I try to make in the relationship area is ... good? I guess? My mentor and therapist are both encouraging about online dating as long as I communicate with them and keep it safe. But the problem is that I have absolutely no faith that I have anything substantial to offer anyone. My whole life has been about increasing isolation. I don't know if I can turn this boat around.

IF anyone's still with me thus far, I guess I'll keep posting here. It helps somehow to write this stuff out and see it on the screen. Maybe it will help someone else, don't know. I am not looking for advice: please don't offer any. When I say I've tried everything, I'm not kidding.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please keep writing here, techchick. Getting it all out is important.

[techchick]

Thanks for reading and for your encouragement, manuel.

It occurred to me today (at last!) that I might take the same approach to my isolation as I do to my other 12-step work: one day at a time, one conversation at a time, one step at a time. Once I had that thought... I felt better. Otherwise the problem takes on galaxy-size proportions in my head and the learned helplessness kicks in.

It wound up being a pretty decent day. I called the online dating guy & left a message. He hasn't called back: I'm not terribly invested in whether he does or doesn't. I'm just proud of myself that I called at all. I enjoyed the beautiful weather and am going to do some musical instrument practice now, will speak with mentor tonight.

[manuel_moe_g]

I'm just proud of myself that I called at all.

Awesome!

[techchick]

Thanks @manuel_moe_g for reading and commenting. Our struggles can feel very lonely sometimes.

So I've had several social occasions in the last few weeks... mostly with results that I would care not to repeat. Angry online dating guys, monologuing acquaintances, groups of '"friends" who leave you alone in the building at a show because you dared to spend 60 seconds (that is an accurate estimate BTW) talking with the show's headliner ... enough.

Yesterday at therapy I asked my therapist point blank if I drained her ... i.e. didn't give anything back in my relationship with her. She said, most adamantly, no. I believe her, partially because she's not afraid to (gently) raise uncomfortable issues elsewhere.

So maybe the problem isn't really me. Except...

I will say that I don't get the same emotional payoff other people seem to get from socializing. My aunt was very much like I am except that she had family with whom she was as comfortable as was possible for her. And I don't "front" well.

I was as "up" as I could be and still be honest last night. I know in my heart that I did nothing to deserve having them leave me there ... except that maybe I accepted an invitation that wasn't worthy of me. (Still didn't "deserve" it.) Won't happen again with that group. Some people like to collect "followers." I don't follow.

I have my therapist, group therapy, yoga, bodywork, occasional social contact with former coworkers and meetup groups. One woman in group therapy has expressed interest in getting together sometime and that will most likely happen... and I genuinely enjoy talking to her.

Also, I've been lucky enough to find a couple of online communities that are rewarding. This is one of them and I hope to spend more time over here giving AND receiving.

[brownblob]

I don't get the same emotional payoff from socializing as others do either. I feel loneliest in a crowd knowing I don't belong. Sorry, about your experience with your "friends" I hope you can get together with the woman from your group. Keep moving forward.

[techchick]

@brownblob - thanks for encouraging me.

The first half of yesterday I was really low, but when I went to do things like cleaning and cooking, I was oddly focused, more so than usual. Quieter mind maybe? Not sure. I'm an anxious depressive so I'm generally doing Something.

Today I'm poking my head into some online communities and FB and I'm hoping to get out on snowshoes. The temperature is up more than 10 degrees in the last hour... if it breaks 20 I'm out of here.

Saturday night I was fortunate enough to run into a support group friend whom I'd messaged on FB a while back but whom I hadn't heard from. Without any questions from me, she apologized... there were Good Reasons why I hadn't heard from her. I think she definitely wants to hit a movie/get a coffee sometime. So we have each other's phone number now, better than FB.

I do somewhat better one on one with certain people but even that is a challenge. I have a lot of fear of rejection, either immediate rejection or worse, things go well and then they don't. In the end I feel like any relationship anyone has with me is not high priority at all to them, not even middle priority, and there's no way of getting beyond that. I feel like I am always DIsposable. Other people are always more compelling company. It's like narcissism except that I'm acutely aware of it.

It's good to be able to be honest here. I tell my therapist this stuff as well. My support group communities are not all that great about people talking on this level ... it's like, just get a sponsor/do the steps and you should be All Set. "It will happen to you and for you!!" Not true.

[techchick]

Just blocked the number of a guy I've known at a distance for a long time.

He and I are both in a recovery support group. He's been in and out; I've stayed in program, results predictable to those of you in support groups. I don't know how much clean time he has now ... probably not much.

I gave him my number a couple of months ago, what can I tell you, I've always been attracted to him. I think he is also attracted to me. However, he's talked laughingly about having "babysitters" in meetings. The only person I babysit is me.

Since that time, he's texted a couple of times, then called a couple of times, finally left a message February 15. I generally get a few flotsam/jetsam calls the week after Valentine's Day and typically ignore them but this time I thought maybe things could be different.

I talked to sponsor and therapist, texted him back yesterday that it was good to hear from him and that I would be at a support group meeting that night that he also attends regularly. He texted me back that he wasn't feeling well and probably wouldn't be at the mtg.

Despite what he wrote, he was at the meeting last night. In plain view of me and everyone else, he chatted with a young, attractive woman almost continuously THROUGHOUT THE FIRST 10 MINUTES OF THE MEETING. Then he left the meeting. A few times I'm pretty sure I felt him looking my way but I stayed focused on the meeting and didn't look back. This could be spotlight effect but I suspect it's not.

I tend to be suspicious anyway but I do believe he's playing games/looking to go out again. My old sponsor once cautioned me that people who come back into recovery can be very jealous of people who stay with program. At the very least, one doesn't stay clean if one's attendance at meetings is mostly outside the door.

So... number blocked. Google Voice is good for blocking both calls and texts, or so they say. Guess I'll find out if he calls/texts again and it goes through.

I wish I could meet someone who seriously liked me, just for once, and wasn't just looking for a damn dopamine hit or for anger target practice. Dude, go play on Tindr (or with tinder).

[techchick]

Wow, it's been a month since I posted here.

It is so March here right now: gray and rainy and forties.

For most of the last month (what a waste of time) I was obsessing long distance about a guy: the cold light of day has shown through recently, he's not relationship material at least for me. I know I have to try to move on. It would be helpful if I could simply accept being along and not have these crushing romantic obsessions. I know that the obsessions have replaced other addictions that are far more destructive ... but all addictions are destructive, quickly or slowly.

Trying to escape the chains of the obsession (and the prison in which it keeps me locked) by online dating. (I don't go to bars and I don't flirt except under very unusual circumstances so I don't meet anyone IRL.) I have a free consultation with a service that purports to be sort of a Cyrano de Bergerac of online dating communications ... they help you improve your profile and handle all online communications in and out. This feels fake to me but frankly a lot of times the whole dating/romance scene feels fucking fake too. I suspect I'm looking in the wrong forums and I know I don't have a good set of photos (not that that can't change). I sold my house last summer and I know a lot of it is about priming.

But when you've been alone all your life what can you say that you can reasonably offer another person? "I'm a good listener." Frankly most people don't give a shit about that unless their asses are on fire, and then they associate you with the problems in their lives so that when things get better for them they forget about you.

I'm trying to make IRL friends and with my level of fear of being hurt (again) that is proving to be difficult too. I have a couple of people that I'm trying to spend some time with but I don't know how to behave when I'm with people for anything over an hour. Everything feels like a performance after a while.

It's like being caught in a tar pit: if you thrash, you go down. But if you don't fight, you go down too. If you're lucky, a strong branch falls your way so you can grab it.

Yep, I'm in therapy, both individual and group. Going to group tonight.

My therapist says: "How does it serve you to be a special case?" When the depressive mire clears a little, I can see special-case thinking.

Stay tuned for next week's episode of Atypical Depressive Chronicles.

[brownblob]

Hi Techchick
I hope the online dating thing works for you. Loneliness can feel terrible.

" I have a couple of people that I'm trying to spend some time with but I don't know how to behave when I'm with people for anything over an hour. Everything feels like a performance after a while. "

I know what you mean. I'm lucky to have a partner, but I'm socially awkward and don't know how to even try anymore to have friends. I hope something works out for you.