Dear sunlessgirl

[Imissmysun]

God this is really hard

I journal on paper but no one will see it and I don't know what to talk about

I am supposed to be nice to my inner child and give her permission to be scared and to be heard maybe I will start there.

When I was little around 8 or 9 my mom's friends little boy convinced me to play show me yours and I can try to put my mouth on it - I don't know why I did it - I think I just wanted to be liked - it was after my father died and I think I was just so craving to have some kind of security - my mom was completely emotionally vacant - we did not talk about how sad we were - I was given pamphlets on grief sent to talk to a nice lady and people gave us a lot of food - as a child I did not put any of it together with my father's death - I thought everyone went and talked with puppets with the nice lady with puppets - I was never told it was grief counseling and I guess my mom assumed that the school would deal with my emotional health -

That is not a school's job - its a mom's job - to give a child a safe place to say I was hurt or I am hurting I want to share my thoughts - but she never gave me a space to do that - I felt a great deal of shame about the boy I told my mom finally after what I now realize was a major anxiety attack and she completely minimized me and shut me down and made me feel even worse about myself...

Little me... it wasn't your fault...
You were a poor hurt little girl you lost your father and no one knew how to reach you and you began to just fade into yourself - your feelings are normal and valid and its not your fault - this boy saw you were vulnerable and you were accessible by being around - you will feel shame but you are not that shame - you had never been told about boundaries - you have no idea what that little boy may have endured why he thought that was normal to ask - I think he may have been hurt as well - but your desire not to feel that shame not to have to be triggered by that event should have been valued by your mom - she should have listened and seen that you were so scared to share with her - I believe you little me. We will get through the bad tummy days together - just hold my hand and ask for a hug when you feel that yucky tummy feeling - I will hug you close -

When I was a little older the man my mother married molested me - he groomed me and made me feel like I had a dad again - and then he betrayed that safety - and completely destroyed my confidence and safety and mental health - I lost my bio father to death and then I lost my father figure through such an insidious act and I still cannot be near that man - what is worse is that he came clean to my mom and my mom did not kick him out - she was spineless and co dependent and kept him in our house and expected me to forgive him and treat him as an authority figure to be respected

Little me you know you were not at fault - you know you are not to blame and you know that you should feel no shame - I know you do though - and I want to hug you - I am here to say that you are ok to feel anger and hurt - to be so disappointed in your mom and you were so much bigger than you thought you are not a coward for not pressing charges you are a hero - you knew that your mom would not be able to function without some partner - you knew that if he left he could be replaced by something worse - and at least after that he never touched you again not physically - no he was just miserable and drunk all the time - made your house chaos and still not safe.

If I had been there I would have told you that you are smart and that you are capable and that you are supported - I support you - I defend you - I love you little me - I am crying right now for the light that was stolen from you - I know that before dad dies you were bubbly you loved people you couldn't wait to be in the world and meet and talk to people - I miss that little girl a lot - I need her back with me now - but I promise to keep you safe - I will not let you get triggered - we can do this together -

I missed so much - we missed so much - I'm so sorry

[Beany Boo]

Imissmysun,

Good afternoon,

I'm reading this and getting an image of a little girl who is red in the face with fury and whose eyes are burning with tears she's trying not to shed but failing.

She has a single-minded stance.

And she is saying to you, in an indignant disbelieving tone, "where did you go?" and also, "I wanna do it" (like, let me handle this and take care of you) and, "I'm not a naughty girl he's a bad man".

And something tells me she could probably lift a bus.

But she doesn't know it.

Yet.

[Imissmysun]

Thank you Beany,

I have never really allowed myself to be angry about any of this...

I know that my little girl is furious and I know that I am stronger than I ever let myself be.

Seeing that was so good.... It was so needed and I am grateful

[Imissmysun]

I am feeling so grey today - its a nice day out - the sun is out - but it's not my sun - I used to have a sun inside myself - a light that would blind people because I was so dynamic and alive -

I want that light back I miss it so much - this light was part of me when I was really little - before all the bad happened -

Sometimes I get little peaks at it - but they never last - I feel ike I can't really be happy but I can't really be sad either..

I had a really telling dream a few years ago that I was a child and I went exploring everything was bright and green and I found a cave - I go into the cave to explore it and it just curved all over the place until I got to the back of a cottage - I went in because it seemed like I lived there there was an old lady that as I spent more time with her she became more familiar - the door to the outside opened up on a fantasy space - bright blue skies and people flying and people riding horses and I left and grew up in that land - when I came back to the house "my house" I was older and I greeted my "aunt? grandma? old lady familial person type? I went back into the cave and I came across myself as a girl in a white dress preserved and lying on a stonedead - and realized that I had died in the cave - that I wasn't real anymore that none of my growing up time was real -

That is how I really feel that I died as a little girl that I left myself on a stone alter in my mind somewhere - that all this growing up isn't real that I am missing a big piece of myself.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Or am I really as weird as I believe myself to be

[Beany Boo]

Imissmysun,

Good morning

Yes, anyone else does ever feel that way. It just feels safer, mostly, to hide it so I can 'pass as a normal.' I'm letting go of the urge to hide more and more.

And yes, you are really as weird as you believe but in a very valuable way.

At least, valuable for others (me), who need desperately to validate the value of their own 'weirdness,' in this forum.

I only say that because I've had similarly telling dreams - that scared the living shit outta me - and since discovered that the 'weird' is me responding rationally in very intense and fucked up circumstances.

[brownblob]

imissmysun,
I don't think you're weird. You went through a lot as a little girl and that little girl got shut down. It sounds like you are trying to deal with this stuff now which is great. Hopefully, you can deal with all these emotions and emerge from the otherside this strong wonderful person that you have inside you.

[Imissmysun]

You guys are making me happy cry which is awesome.

Thank you so much!

[Imissmysun]

Today is a not so bad day. Im heading with my family to a state park there is a waterfall you can swim right up to and walk behind. Then some food at a picnic. I kinda wish i was either going alone or just with my SO but the kids need an outlet as well.

I just find i have better days when i get outside. I love green and water and hills thankfully central New York is loaded with all that stuff and its just a day trip away so im in a car heading to go not think at a park.

I hope you are all having decent holidays.

[hobojungle]

I also find nature to be healing Imissmysun. One of my favorite self-nurturing activities is to ride my bike through a nearby park. I control if I want to slow down & savor the scenery or speed up & minimize my contact with certain situations. Such a multi-sense experience with all the sights/sounds/smells. I hope you enjoyed your day. It sounds lovely.

[Imissmysun]

I wish the serenity of the weekend had stayed with me... It didn't

My step son had a horrible episode - threatened self harm and harm towards his siblings and our pets - then he ran off into our neighborhood -

Spent the evening driving around tracking him down and then taking him to the emergency psych hospital where he was sedated and spent the night -

his was physically combative and it was triggering on several levels - so that will take a few days to recover from - His behavior is always always far worse when I am the one home with him and not his father - it makes me feel like I shouldn't be there - that I make things worse - I don't think I have ever said that out loud to myself or ever - it makes me feel like just awful and I try very hard not to be mean to him I do not call names he just bristles anytime I ask him to do anything he does not want to do - which is often because he is a 12 year old boy and they don't want to do anything ever

So yes my step son has me on egg shells constantly and I am trying to wrack my brain to make my home safer for the other 8 kids that live there - (he is on meds and hes a therapist and has a phsychologist he has more doctors than I do) and keep my own mental health in check - (which its not) I have no time - which is why I am using time inbetween calls at work to type on this forum -

I have got to do my best to get my head back on together and to feel anything other than grey - (can you feel a color?) I guess you can because that is my normal kind of just there not really excisting wanting to exist just not really - and then I put my voice mask on to talk to a customer - oh you sound nice and happy (yes because even a fake smile sounds like a smile over the phone it just disappears as soon as I hang up because its not real)

I just need a place to get thoughts out to think to process and also to be seen and validated - to feel ike maybe I am trying that I am not a complete and utter failure and that my life has meaning - because most days it does not feel that way - I feel like my life is void of purpose and that I do nothing with it but just take up space -