kitkat's Diary

[kitkat]

Okay, I will start one here instead so everything is neat.

I am feeling so anxious right now, so it is a good time to type here, I think. Unless I'm doing it wrong. I have this guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach like I'm doing everything wrong. I have been trying to fight it, it was supposed to be my new year's resolution, but sometimes it gets hard and I'm just too tired and anxiety is too strong. I just feel such a failure and so guilty and useless and, now, especially whiny and self-serving and like I am not a good enough person for people to care about.

First, I don't have a real, proper job. I am freelance, which means I usually don't. I work on what I can and I sell things and I sometimes have contracts and I do odd things here and there, but mostly I feel like a leech. On top of that, I am unable to hold a real job, so I am in a spiral. The last full-time, un-freelance job I had was.. five years ago? It's depressing. I think, "if only I had a proper job, I'd be happy," but the thought of having one makes me want to hyperventilate. I have been changing paths recently, so I have been trying to learn these new programs which have more jobs, but I feel like I am always behind. I told my psychiatrist about how I feel like I'm in a catch-22, where I'll fail if I don't try, and I'll fail if I do try because I won't be able to do anything. He said I should consider attempts as successes, but my stomach knots don't seem to feel that way. I feel like a disappointment. I have so much stuff I need to learn and I can't do things. My whole family pitched in to buy me a new computer because my old one was so slow and couldn't properly run these new programs and they're all like, "you deserve it," and I just feel worse like I'm going to let everyone down.

I have been watching these tutorials and I haven't accomplished anything. I need to watch them because I don't know what I'm doing, but I have nothing to show for them. And while I'm watching them, I feel so much anxiety and I can't concentrate. I feel like I can't talk to people about this because I'm afraid they will say, "you have to power through it," and "you'll have to deal with this in the real world," and I know all that, but I can't. I feel like a squirrel in the road. Like there are so many things I need to do, but I just freeze and can't do any.

I'd like to hide away somewhere.

So, that's where I am today.

[kitkat]

Yesterday I forgot to take my Effexor, so it was a day of dizziness and a complete inability to concentrate on anything. Also irritability. It was like my brain was in a complete fog and I could not grab or hold on to a thought. I couldn't fall asleep that night, which usually happens when my brain won't shut off, but my brain was silent, just not sleeping. At some point, I got annoyed and got up to try sleeping on the couch or reading. My boyfriend asked where I was going, I told him I couldn't sleep and he said to come back to bed and he'd pet my head, so I did and fell asleep within five minutes, haha. Then I woke up completely sweat drenched, which is always a nice surprise. Took my pill early (I usually take it with lunch, but I took it with breakfast) since brain zaps were now accompanying the brain fog. I spent the better part of today trying to focus on things, and slowly my brain started working again. It was an odd feeling, like slowly cleaning a windshield or when the eye doctor is changing the lenses on the machine and you can see better and actually read. At some point I thought, "oh yea, that's what conscious thought is like," and I could be productive again.

It was that sort of day.

[kitkat]

I maybe have a job right now, I'm not sure. I mean, I guess I do, it's a contract thing, but. I feel like any second they will tell me they don't want to use me after all. Like, "oh, we thought you were better than this. our mistake, bye." And I'll have to tell everyone. And I, I am feeling really paranoid talking about this. I don't know why. Like I might jinx myself almost, which is ridiculous. Maybe I'll come back to it later.

I had a good session with my psychiatrist a couple days ago, he's got a good perspective, and I try to remind myself of the things he says. For example, I mentioned that my father came back in to contact with my brother, which I think I mentioned here before. Anyway, I told him I was mad because I know something bad will happen and my brother is too nice. I am also mad because, I don't want to see him, but he didn't even try to contact me either. He apparently had some life revelation that he should talk to only one of his children, makes sense. So, I didn't want to talk to him, but I want him to try to contact me so I can tell him to fuck off, you know? It's super petty, but I want to be the rejecter, not the rejected. And with him doing nothing, I am automatically feeling rejected, as is my general feeling from him. My psychiatrist was pretty quick to tell me that I am thinking about this completely wrong, which I am doing my best to believe is true and he's not just saying that and whatnot. But he said a narcissist like my father would obviously contact the child that is least likely to reject him, so he continues to have all the power. So by not contacting me, it means that he thinks I'm too strong for him. Which, I have to admit, made me smile, but another side of my brain is like, "that is impossible, that sounds way too what i'd like to be true to be true." But I am trying to accept that he knows these things better than I do.

He's also got me to start doing these CBT thought record things, which seem difficult to do if you're in a bad thought mood, but I'm going to try doing them.

And now I need to get going, out for dinner, which at points in my life was impossible. So that makes me smile. I am still nervous, yea, but I am trying to get in to the mindset that success for me is if I at least try, even if I fail completely, it can still be a success. It's slowly sticking in my brain. It's kind of nice thinking about doing something that at one point was impossible for me. A lot of times I feel like I am progressing so slowly, but other times I feel like maybe I could be strong, too. Which is hard to think, since thinking good thoughts about myself is, you know, frowned upon by my psyche. But it's nice too. It's nice to sometimes feel proud of myself. Also, I'm going to get some delicious chicken wings.

[kitkat]

There have been a lot of disappointments this month, along with dealing with "not the best" working relationships. On the plus side, it's forced me to stick up for myself, but it adds another notch to my worries about the industry I've gone in to and if I am tough enough. I just want to do my work, I don't want to have any confrontation. I'm still in the middle of it right now and while I am anonymous here, I always have this worry in the back of my head that somehow people will hack all my things or something, I don't know. I guess just normal paranoia.

I've been down lately because of all this stuff. And because I feel like I'm moving forward, which is scary. I want to stay in a cozy bubble and not think about the future. But when I do, and I think about never accomplishing anything, it just makes me sad. And I think about how giant the universe is and how could I be afraid of going outside or doing a job or what a stranger thinks. Sometimes the universe scares me, but other times I think about how we're all just tiny little things and how can I be scared of anyone? And I think I've only got this little time and it's my own and I'm letting the world take mine away from me. It makes me sad and angry, but then when anxiety happens, it doesn't exactly stop it. I guess you can't think yourself out of a thinking problem sort of thing. I'd like to, though. It would be muuuch easier since nothing I worry about is ever logical. Sometimes I want to sleep through life, but I don't really, I just want to not be scared.

Rambly rambly. I'm not sure what I'm getting on about.