8-May-2014.
Reasonably decent weather. Sunshine and upper-sweater/low-longsleeve afternoon moving to comfortably sweater-weather temperatures. No rain.
Morning activities included failing to go to the gym and succeeding at playing Skyrim. I can not accurately recall whether I left the house before work or not. The morning roll for tonight's entry was excellently packed and set me up brilliantly for being able to write things down. The ganja of choice was the pepper-tasting stuff recently acquired. It's good stuff - the munchies aren't too bad, and I have more than enough room to set up a project like this. This serves as a good time to remind everyone that I cannot even bring myself to read what I have written sober, far less write anything down. This means that I will always be *ahem* medicated when I'm here. So if I wander off, please do understand that this is the only way I know how to do all of this writing-down stuff without wanting to get rid of it immediately after. This is a roundabout way of saying that I can only do this high. Jesus, man. That wasn't so hard, was it? Just out and say it. Bah.
Also, because this stuff is basically me vomiting up memories, I'm going to add some relatively dull quotidian stuff. This will serve hopefully to anchor my memories. Apologies. Should I segregate that part, or?
Work was the usual boringly classified shenanigans. I got the contract extension, which is both horrible and wonderful all at once. The night shift isn't the worst, really. Especially when days off are right at hand. I intend to take tomorrow off to experience the food in the neighbourhood we just moved into. Food is a significant part of my life, for better and for worse, and you'll also get to read a lot about that. My mother always strictly controlled my food intake and monitored my weight; my father would use junk food as a way to make me feel awful for making my mother upset by gaining weight. This, I think, is not a natural or a healthy logic for an eight-year to chase. What this means today is that I have a complex about food and exercise. My mother and step-father constantly nag at me for gaining weight and not looking like I did when I was violently dysmorphic and passing out in the gym. They talk constantly about their waistlines and have weird diets. My mother drinks smoothies for two meals and most of the rest of the food at home is uber-health versions of freezer-food. If I buy anything - cookies, crisps, beer - I get snorted at as though I am a bad person for wanting things that taste as though the flavours aren't lacquered on to Generic Food Base Product. This is bothering me because I soon return to see them for my kid brother's birthday and for Mother's Day (a highly staged and somewhat tense event; Father's Day is far worse, though, so...) and I know I'm going to get lectured about gaining weight. But fuck it. I go to the gym so that I can eat less-than-healthy food without worrying about negative health effects associated with such a diet. I do the exercise so I can eat the food. Take the food away and the exercise is gone. At least that's what I have to believe, because going to the gym to "look good" to my parents ended badly and I still do enjoy the gym. I just want the justification for it intact. Is that so hard to ask?
Dinner today was some gnarly abomination of pasta, peas, and broccoli. It tasted like ass. I gave Joe the last vanilla granola bullshit bar meaning that I am out of excuses to not make my own damn granola bullshit bars. I have the day off and Girlfriend works in the morning. Maybe I'll go to the gym, get ingredients, and do that? Pfhah. The gym I can do, but both sounds like a lot. I would in Hometown but the parents are there to judge my every addition. Chocolate chips, you say? Blasphemy! Send him to the Quinoa Mines. So probably not there. Though they do have Church and because of my fibs about interest in rejoining some form of Christianity (I've led her to believe that I am considering converting to Russian Orthodoxy, despite my lack of any Russian language skills. What I am actually describing to her is that I (very rarely) go to Orthodox Mass because I love the movements and the music. It's overwhelming and ancient and it creaks with the bones of its undulating faithful, but it is there and it was there and it will be there when I no longer am. To experience that is a powerful moment for me. I love the idea of a social clockwork, a sort of basic ticking that defines like a metronome the growth of the Anthropocene. There is much to hate in Christmas - and Lord knows I hate Christmas with a fury bested only by my hatred of Canada - but the primitive and simple idea of being together and at peace that is replayed every Christmas Day has a profound influence on how we live. Though anomie reigns and alienation gnaws against our ribs, the essential human timing of holidays and days of peace (whether those truces be maintained or not) dictate the possible forms of the most recent permutation of human command over the surface of the world. We may be surrounded by Wal-Marts and omni-present emptiness here in this part of Canada, but the necessity of togetherness as manifest in the very conception of time itself to the human person, whether the clockwork be named Christmas or Eid or anything else mean that we can only get so anomic. So long as we all can reasonably commute to a friend or loved one's residence and collectively agree to quiet things down for a day, we will be okay. Not healthy, not great - but we won't lose our humanity, which to me is a victory. That sense of victory is what I feel at Orthodox Mass. I'm praying to that God, I guess - praying that she will, in her infinite grace, give me the spark I need to survive life in a mostly-dead topography. To recall Carlin's justification for worshipping the Sun, my prayers are answered at about the same 50% rate.
This was the jist of what I was getting at with my mother - that I enjoy the sacred not because of any absolute truth connected to it but rather the fact that it is more powerful than the forces of alienation and anomie which I feel daily. She doesn't understand. My stepfather tells people that I'm "exaggerating" - except that I'm the one who has studied this stuff for the last four years and he is not. I'm deeply offended by this, and by the inevitable "change your attitude" remark which does nothing, means nothing, and says nothing which is the result of me inevitably having to defend myself against accusations of being "dramatic" and upsetting my stepfather to the point that he storms off. Those three fucking words: "change your attitude" are her answer to much of my life's problems, including diagnosed mental disorders. I fucking hate those three fucking words. Three Fucking Words.
I hope I can meet more of Girlfriend's family next weekend. Hers is an incredible family and it feels so weird being close to these people who eat dinner without it being from a box and who can eat dessert without being terrified by the prospect or absorbing all conversation into their new workout routines.
Walking-home music was Com Truise's Galactic Melt. Low iPod battery life prevented optimal enjoyment.
Until I can next gump-up the nerve!
...God damn, I have no grace with the English language. I'd better publish this before I get second thoughts.
The Diary of Mr. Chimney
-
Mr.Chimney
- Posts: 63
- Joined: April 28th, 2014, 9:09 pm
The Diary of Mr. Chimney
"The Logos of domination has built its system, and what follows is epilogue"
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
-
Mr.Chimney
- Posts: 63
- Joined: April 28th, 2014, 9:09 pm
Re: The Diary of Mr. Chimney
9-May-2014
Going to visit my folks tomorrow and frankly I'm a lot nervous about it. But today was awesome - I stayed home from work and a friend and I hung out during the afternoon. Following this Girlfriend and I went to Market Sushi, a place which provided pretty decent sushi for an all-you-can-eat place. Then I got ready to write this stuff down and Girlfriend and I sat on the balcony as a thunderstorm and a fireworks display went off. All told, it was pretty awesome. I just feel like I didn't enjoy it tonight. Speaking of, I'd like to play Skyrim but I'll at least note that I will likely be weedless and thus not able to visit the site until at least Monday. Good luck everyone!
Going to visit my folks tomorrow and frankly I'm a lot nervous about it. But today was awesome - I stayed home from work and a friend and I hung out during the afternoon. Following this Girlfriend and I went to Market Sushi, a place which provided pretty decent sushi for an all-you-can-eat place. Then I got ready to write this stuff down and Girlfriend and I sat on the balcony as a thunderstorm and a fireworks display went off. All told, it was pretty awesome. I just feel like I didn't enjoy it tonight. Speaking of, I'd like to play Skyrim but I'll at least note that I will likely be weedless and thus not able to visit the site until at least Monday. Good luck everyone!
"The Logos of domination has built its system, and what follows is epilogue"
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
-
Mr.Chimney
- Posts: 63
- Joined: April 28th, 2014, 9:09 pm
Re: The Diary of Mr. Chimney
10-May-2014
Thank the heavens for friends. I can write tonight! He brought some shit from Techtown where he lives and we sat in his backyard and talked. Good to have that contact, really.
Weather was mid-longsleeves in the morning moving to high-longsleeves in the afternoon and falling to low-longsleeves in the evening. I can already feel my mood decline with the warmth. I flew from Newtown to Bigtown and took the train from Bigtown to Hometown. Flight was pretty okay - hard to argue with free* beer - and the train was late as usual but I got to sit in a business-class car because VIA-Fail ran out of coach cars. Seriously - Canada's rail system generates more rage in me than it should. I get more pissed about that and people hurting puppies than I do about most things I ought to actually be mad about. Fuck me...
Hometown is a shitshow, but I love it at a place. My folks add a lot of tension though. My folks decided on sushi tonight because I'm home so we went out and it was quite nice. Save for my mother using the opportunity to tell my kid brother to spend less time on the computer and the awkward non-looking at me by my stepfather, it was really nice! Frankly, I've mostly given up on much better. The evening was spent doing the usual interrogation about where I'm going for Masters' (not pressure to go - rather, it's curiosity coupled with high-speed inquiry), but I handled it reasonably well and I mentioned the podcast too. I didn't manage to get any deeper into telling my mother that I'm still seven thrilling flavours of fucked-up, but failure is something I'm very good at. With the job I'm at least able to afford my existence.
But that's kind of it. In Hometown I have the culture and environment I love but a lot of tension and cynicism that isn't healthy. In Newtown I feel like I'm surrounded by professional do-nothings and "dynamic global engagements" (read: do nothing, get paid for it, lose half of your staff for doing nothing, then discover that without staff you can't do anything even if you wanted to), but I am also gloriously anonymous and that means less immediate emotional tension. Tension vs. tension. What a hard choice! The job makes that call for me though.
I had more that I wanted to write but it's already gone. My buddy's leaving tomorrow and I'm leaving the day after, so this may be all for me today. I'm currently starting to feel the usual blend of pissed, concerned, and cynical associated with sobriety and I'm getting inklings of a desire to get rid of this. But I won't. From
Thank the heavens for friends. I can write tonight! He brought some shit from Techtown where he lives and we sat in his backyard and talked. Good to have that contact, really.
Weather was mid-longsleeves in the morning moving to high-longsleeves in the afternoon and falling to low-longsleeves in the evening. I can already feel my mood decline with the warmth. I flew from Newtown to Bigtown and took the train from Bigtown to Hometown. Flight was pretty okay - hard to argue with free* beer - and the train was late as usual but I got to sit in a business-class car because VIA-Fail ran out of coach cars. Seriously - Canada's rail system generates more rage in me than it should. I get more pissed about that and people hurting puppies than I do about most things I ought to actually be mad about. Fuck me...
Hometown is a shitshow, but I love it at a place. My folks add a lot of tension though. My folks decided on sushi tonight because I'm home so we went out and it was quite nice. Save for my mother using the opportunity to tell my kid brother to spend less time on the computer and the awkward non-looking at me by my stepfather, it was really nice! Frankly, I've mostly given up on much better. The evening was spent doing the usual interrogation about where I'm going for Masters' (not pressure to go - rather, it's curiosity coupled with high-speed inquiry), but I handled it reasonably well and I mentioned the podcast too. I didn't manage to get any deeper into telling my mother that I'm still seven thrilling flavours of fucked-up, but failure is something I'm very good at. With the job I'm at least able to afford my existence.
But that's kind of it. In Hometown I have the culture and environment I love but a lot of tension and cynicism that isn't healthy. In Newtown I feel like I'm surrounded by professional do-nothings and "dynamic global engagements" (read: do nothing, get paid for it, lose half of your staff for doing nothing, then discover that without staff you can't do anything even if you wanted to), but I am also gloriously anonymous and that means less immediate emotional tension. Tension vs. tension. What a hard choice! The job makes that call for me though.
I had more that I wanted to write but it's already gone. My buddy's leaving tomorrow and I'm leaving the day after, so this may be all for me today. I'm currently starting to feel the usual blend of pissed, concerned, and cynical associated with sobriety and I'm getting inklings of a desire to get rid of this. But I won't. From
"The Logos of domination has built its system, and what follows is epilogue"
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
-
Mr.Chimney
- Posts: 63
- Joined: April 28th, 2014, 9:09 pm
Re: The Diary of Mr. Chimney
10-May-2014
Thank the heavens for friends. I can write tonight! He brought some shit from Techtown where he lives and we sat in his backyard and talked. Good to have that contact, really.
Weather was mid-longsleeves in the morning moving to high-longsleeves in the afternoon and falling to low-longsleeves in the evening. I can already feel my mood decline with the warmth. I flew from Newtown to Bigtown and took the train from Bigtown to Hometown. Flight was pretty okay - hard to argue with free* beer - and the train was late as usual but I got to sit in a business-class car because VIA-Fail ran out of coach cars. Seriously - Canada's rail system generates more rage in me than it should. I get more pissed about that and people hurting puppies than I do about most things I ought to actually be mad about. Fuck me...
Hometown is a shitshow, but I love it at a place. My folks add a lot of tension though. My folks decided on sushi tonight because I'm home so we went out and it was quite nice. Save for my mother using the opportunity to tell my kid brother to spend less time on the computer and the awkward non-looking at me by my stepfather, it was really nice! Frankly, I've mostly given up on much better. The evening was spent doing the usual interrogation about where I'm going for Masters' (not pressure to go - rather, it's curiosity coupled with high-speed inquiry), but I handled it reasonably well and I mentioned the podcast too. I didn't manage to get any deeper into telling my mother that I'm still seven thrilling flavours of fucked-up, but failure is something I'm very good at. With the job I'm at least able to afford my existence.
But that's kind of it. In Hometown I have the culture and environment I love but a lot of tension and cynicism that isn't healthy. In Newtown I feel like I'm surrounded by professional do-nothings and "dynamic global engagements" (read: do nothing, get paid for it, lose half of your staff for doing nothing, then discover that without staff you can't do anything even if you wanted to), but I am also gloriously anonymous and that means less immediate emotional tension. Tension vs. tension. What a hard choice! The job makes that call for me though.
I had more that I wanted to write but it's already gone. My buddy's leaving tomorrow and I'm leaving the day after, so this may be all for me today. I'm currently starting to feel the usual blend of pissed, concerned, and cynical associated with sobriety and I'm getting inklings of a desire to get rid of this. But I won't. From the ulcered sphincter of concatenated mediocrity, goodnight!
Thank the heavens for friends. I can write tonight! He brought some shit from Techtown where he lives and we sat in his backyard and talked. Good to have that contact, really.
Weather was mid-longsleeves in the morning moving to high-longsleeves in the afternoon and falling to low-longsleeves in the evening. I can already feel my mood decline with the warmth. I flew from Newtown to Bigtown and took the train from Bigtown to Hometown. Flight was pretty okay - hard to argue with free* beer - and the train was late as usual but I got to sit in a business-class car because VIA-Fail ran out of coach cars. Seriously - Canada's rail system generates more rage in me than it should. I get more pissed about that and people hurting puppies than I do about most things I ought to actually be mad about. Fuck me...
Hometown is a shitshow, but I love it at a place. My folks add a lot of tension though. My folks decided on sushi tonight because I'm home so we went out and it was quite nice. Save for my mother using the opportunity to tell my kid brother to spend less time on the computer and the awkward non-looking at me by my stepfather, it was really nice! Frankly, I've mostly given up on much better. The evening was spent doing the usual interrogation about where I'm going for Masters' (not pressure to go - rather, it's curiosity coupled with high-speed inquiry), but I handled it reasonably well and I mentioned the podcast too. I didn't manage to get any deeper into telling my mother that I'm still seven thrilling flavours of fucked-up, but failure is something I'm very good at. With the job I'm at least able to afford my existence.
But that's kind of it. In Hometown I have the culture and environment I love but a lot of tension and cynicism that isn't healthy. In Newtown I feel like I'm surrounded by professional do-nothings and "dynamic global engagements" (read: do nothing, get paid for it, lose half of your staff for doing nothing, then discover that without staff you can't do anything even if you wanted to), but I am also gloriously anonymous and that means less immediate emotional tension. Tension vs. tension. What a hard choice! The job makes that call for me though.
I had more that I wanted to write but it's already gone. My buddy's leaving tomorrow and I'm leaving the day after, so this may be all for me today. I'm currently starting to feel the usual blend of pissed, concerned, and cynical associated with sobriety and I'm getting inklings of a desire to get rid of this. But I won't. From the ulcered sphincter of concatenated mediocrity, goodnight!
"The Logos of domination has built its system, and what follows is epilogue"
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
-
Mr.Chimney
- Posts: 63
- Joined: April 28th, 2014, 9:09 pm
Re: The Diary of Mr. Chimney
12-May-2014
The weather today was...not really there. That's mostly because Mother woke me up in Hometown at 6:30 and I spent the day driving, flying, waiting, flying, waiting, being driven, sitting at the new pizza place (more on this later), being driven, warehouse, being driven, weed walk (which was excellent: I found some weird old stuff in a drawer. Always fun. I'm starting to realize that the weed is really just getting at my hostile, haunting...whatever it is that torments me so in a much deeper way than it gets me. I'm basically gassing it out - since only I would smoke weed, it's something that it has never experienced physically and which affects cognition. Since it relies on the latter and cannot account for it, it gets stuck. So goes the current theory), and writing this. Goddamn, that was one fucking iceberg of a splice there. Seriously - it's like the fucking Titanic and the iceberg. Anyways, there was no weather except the wind. I ate airport food - my favourite was "wedge-o-meat-product sandwich with tiny piece of chocolate! - and at Nearby Pizza, a thrilling pizza place about 5 minutes from home. I love supporting local businesses over chains and finding a pizza place is an important thing for me. This place nails it - bouncy crust, salami instead of pepperonis, tons of toppings, and pretty cheap. Dinner was Nearby Pizza leftovers, which loses only some small part of its charm when left to sweat in a blue-collar lunchroom.
Girlfriend is working tomorrow morning so we won't see each other tomorrow. Those always bum me out a little. Not day-ruining or anything, but certainly not desirable.
I did a lot of thinking in Hometown this weekend. My mother seems to be more than a little mean to my kid brother. I knew that her tone had seemed different last time but Brother had mentioned an uptick in frequency and hostility in communications between himself and Mother. It had been a while and I guess I had assumed that things were gradually swaying more negatively but...but wow. Yeah, no. This was less "sway" negative and more "being rended by Kraken on an on-and-off basis" negative. To my mind this has strayed into abuse. Dad said the word abuse once on the way and it seems like he is only gradually getting to the conclusion I have. I can either out-and-say it one-on-one to an emotionally unstable and extremely muscular man or try to subtly hint at it like I always do. I'm more of a chameleon than that I thought. Though I guess given the fact that my mind immediately thought of him violently reacting to the news is a rather strong justification for this approach. This behavior is not okay. My little brother is being outright emotionally abused by my mother. She doesn't know it, but her insistence on being shown love by Brother is both dishonest and really worrying. If we could use 0 as my father and stepmother and 10 as Girlfriend's parents (who are saints), I'm really worrying that my mother and Dad aren't going to show up much above five. Once again, I have to protect my Brother through mind games and grey-speak and schemes nearly 600 miles away from him.
Fun.
It's harder to work through my own problems when dealing with this kind of stuff. But I have to take care of Brother and I don't know if Dad will help. To be fair to him, Mother is very important to him and the potential for a huge blowup is great, so I can see reasons for not knowing what to do when he does reach the conclusion that Brother is being abused and fully grasps the implications. My life sounds like a sitcom and the canned laughs are coming from everywhere at once. Ha-hahaha. Ha.
Also, is it just me or did Bittorrent get really shitty all of the sudden? I mean like "weird Russian online casino" skeevy. Eugh.
I won't lie - I'm getting to the point where I'm going to need a hug sooner or later. I'm pinning a lot on Sunday when Girlfriend and I have a whole afternoon to ourselves. Getting food, going to Fair-Walk-Away-Through-Neat-Neighbourhood Bookstore (that's a mouthful. FWATNNB? Fwatnibbler is what immediately comes to mind so this unfortunate place gets to be called Fwatnibbler), watching a movie - what more could I ask for? Too bad most of the rest of the week is ass. Hopefully there will be time for Trashy Breakfast. I was really excited to start working on myself and then this came up. I cannot see how this possibly could not affect my already compromised mental health. Thoughts about maybe looking for help or something and BAM return to diseased behaviors and tactics to help Brother. Maybe I'll never get to be whole because of this shit.
*sigh* if anyone has a spare hug I could sure use one.
The weather today was...not really there. That's mostly because Mother woke me up in Hometown at 6:30 and I spent the day driving, flying, waiting, flying, waiting, being driven, sitting at the new pizza place (more on this later), being driven, warehouse, being driven, weed walk (which was excellent: I found some weird old stuff in a drawer. Always fun. I'm starting to realize that the weed is really just getting at my hostile, haunting...whatever it is that torments me so in a much deeper way than it gets me. I'm basically gassing it out - since only I would smoke weed, it's something that it has never experienced physically and which affects cognition. Since it relies on the latter and cannot account for it, it gets stuck. So goes the current theory), and writing this. Goddamn, that was one fucking iceberg of a splice there. Seriously - it's like the fucking Titanic and the iceberg. Anyways, there was no weather except the wind. I ate airport food - my favourite was "wedge-o-meat-product sandwich with tiny piece of chocolate! - and at Nearby Pizza, a thrilling pizza place about 5 minutes from home. I love supporting local businesses over chains and finding a pizza place is an important thing for me. This place nails it - bouncy crust, salami instead of pepperonis, tons of toppings, and pretty cheap. Dinner was Nearby Pizza leftovers, which loses only some small part of its charm when left to sweat in a blue-collar lunchroom.
Girlfriend is working tomorrow morning so we won't see each other tomorrow. Those always bum me out a little. Not day-ruining or anything, but certainly not desirable.
I did a lot of thinking in Hometown this weekend. My mother seems to be more than a little mean to my kid brother. I knew that her tone had seemed different last time but Brother had mentioned an uptick in frequency and hostility in communications between himself and Mother. It had been a while and I guess I had assumed that things were gradually swaying more negatively but...but wow. Yeah, no. This was less "sway" negative and more "being rended by Kraken on an on-and-off basis" negative. To my mind this has strayed into abuse. Dad said the word abuse once on the way and it seems like he is only gradually getting to the conclusion I have. I can either out-and-say it one-on-one to an emotionally unstable and extremely muscular man or try to subtly hint at it like I always do. I'm more of a chameleon than that I thought. Though I guess given the fact that my mind immediately thought of him violently reacting to the news is a rather strong justification for this approach. This behavior is not okay. My little brother is being outright emotionally abused by my mother. She doesn't know it, but her insistence on being shown love by Brother is both dishonest and really worrying. If we could use 0 as my father and stepmother and 10 as Girlfriend's parents (who are saints), I'm really worrying that my mother and Dad aren't going to show up much above five. Once again, I have to protect my Brother through mind games and grey-speak and schemes nearly 600 miles away from him.
Fun.
It's harder to work through my own problems when dealing with this kind of stuff. But I have to take care of Brother and I don't know if Dad will help. To be fair to him, Mother is very important to him and the potential for a huge blowup is great, so I can see reasons for not knowing what to do when he does reach the conclusion that Brother is being abused and fully grasps the implications. My life sounds like a sitcom and the canned laughs are coming from everywhere at once. Ha-hahaha. Ha.
Also, is it just me or did Bittorrent get really shitty all of the sudden? I mean like "weird Russian online casino" skeevy. Eugh.
I won't lie - I'm getting to the point where I'm going to need a hug sooner or later. I'm pinning a lot on Sunday when Girlfriend and I have a whole afternoon to ourselves. Getting food, going to Fair-Walk-Away-Through-Neat-Neighbourhood Bookstore (that's a mouthful. FWATNNB? Fwatnibbler is what immediately comes to mind so this unfortunate place gets to be called Fwatnibbler), watching a movie - what more could I ask for? Too bad most of the rest of the week is ass. Hopefully there will be time for Trashy Breakfast. I was really excited to start working on myself and then this came up. I cannot see how this possibly could not affect my already compromised mental health. Thoughts about maybe looking for help or something and BAM return to diseased behaviors and tactics to help Brother. Maybe I'll never get to be whole because of this shit.
*sigh* if anyone has a spare hug I could sure use one.
"The Logos of domination has built its system, and what follows is epilogue"
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
-
Mr.Chimney
- Posts: 63
- Joined: April 28th, 2014, 9:09 pm
Re: The Diary of Mr. Chimney
13-May-2014
Weather today was wonderful. Slate-grey skies with temperatures firmly in sweater-weather territory. Exactly the kind of weather I needed after venting like I did last night. The kind of weather I imagine Immanuel Kant would enjoy on his precisely-timed flanneurs through Konigsberg. The route is gone now, but that seems oddly appropriate for Kant. Jesus Fucking Christ am I insufferable. Ugh I want to delete that but I promised that I wouldn't somewhere unless it was grammatically nonsensical or otherwise extraneous and I suspect that deontology is a running theme of my life (much to my dismay).
Now that I've thoroughly bothered and/or bored you, I'd also like to invite people to join me with this little thing. I'm noticing that people are looking (though, as the above paragraph suggests I haven't the foggiest why), and I am always interested to hear of other, similar experiences. Recall my rationale for doing this in the first place - I need to be able to confirm that my thoughts and memories are in fact real. If I try to pretend that I don't have a problem or try to just put on another mask and in so doing forget in little small pieces my own visage, I have record of my thoughts here. If I know that other people know that these are in fact thoughts that I have had, it will be that much harder to deny them. In exchange for the help, I am pleased to offer...umm...me, I guess. If you wanna talk about things in your own life that you feel relate to me, I'm more than happy to help you vent safely and cooly. I also can offer services like poorly-composed portmaneaus, being an insufferable butt (see again above), and discussing the weather. What a deal! Call now!!
Or not. I just wanted to say hi, I guess.
Right. So. Today was a very productive day. My brain had decided that, should I fail to go to the gym today and have a good workout, I would fall into a deep depression and beat myself up for a while. Usually I feel bummed no matter what ("good workout" is not a good metric), but today I nailed it. I felt like I was going to pass out a bit, but I made it and I feel better. I can feel my mind trying to put the same emphasis on my workout Thursday but it's not going to be as persuasive as it was today. I also went grocery shopping, purchased essential herbs and spices, and went to work. Work was more exciting than usual because I got to stack boxes. Yes, this constitutes excitement. My thrilling dinner idea turned out pretty okay too - apparently Corn Flakes are good with fruits and milk doesn't go bad after 5 seconds outside of the fridge. I have a bad tic about milk where I can't drink or touch it if it is anything but frigid. If I don't know how long it has sat out, that milk is dead to me. My choice of granola bar turned out to be compressed birdseed, but whatever.
The cat is being silly and I get to spend time with Girlfriend before we turn in. So, from the ass-end of the wrong side of the Happy Fence to wherever the future puts you, goodnight!
Weather today was wonderful. Slate-grey skies with temperatures firmly in sweater-weather territory. Exactly the kind of weather I needed after venting like I did last night. The kind of weather I imagine Immanuel Kant would enjoy on his precisely-timed flanneurs through Konigsberg. The route is gone now, but that seems oddly appropriate for Kant. Jesus Fucking Christ am I insufferable. Ugh I want to delete that but I promised that I wouldn't somewhere unless it was grammatically nonsensical or otherwise extraneous and I suspect that deontology is a running theme of my life (much to my dismay).
Now that I've thoroughly bothered and/or bored you, I'd also like to invite people to join me with this little thing. I'm noticing that people are looking (though, as the above paragraph suggests I haven't the foggiest why), and I am always interested to hear of other, similar experiences. Recall my rationale for doing this in the first place - I need to be able to confirm that my thoughts and memories are in fact real. If I try to pretend that I don't have a problem or try to just put on another mask and in so doing forget in little small pieces my own visage, I have record of my thoughts here. If I know that other people know that these are in fact thoughts that I have had, it will be that much harder to deny them. In exchange for the help, I am pleased to offer...umm...me, I guess. If you wanna talk about things in your own life that you feel relate to me, I'm more than happy to help you vent safely and cooly. I also can offer services like poorly-composed portmaneaus, being an insufferable butt (see again above), and discussing the weather. What a deal! Call now!!
Or not. I just wanted to say hi, I guess.
Right. So. Today was a very productive day. My brain had decided that, should I fail to go to the gym today and have a good workout, I would fall into a deep depression and beat myself up for a while. Usually I feel bummed no matter what ("good workout" is not a good metric), but today I nailed it. I felt like I was going to pass out a bit, but I made it and I feel better. I can feel my mind trying to put the same emphasis on my workout Thursday but it's not going to be as persuasive as it was today. I also went grocery shopping, purchased essential herbs and spices, and went to work. Work was more exciting than usual because I got to stack boxes. Yes, this constitutes excitement. My thrilling dinner idea turned out pretty okay too - apparently Corn Flakes are good with fruits and milk doesn't go bad after 5 seconds outside of the fridge. I have a bad tic about milk where I can't drink or touch it if it is anything but frigid. If I don't know how long it has sat out, that milk is dead to me. My choice of granola bar turned out to be compressed birdseed, but whatever.
The cat is being silly and I get to spend time with Girlfriend before we turn in. So, from the ass-end of the wrong side of the Happy Fence to wherever the future puts you, goodnight!
"The Logos of domination has built its system, and what follows is epilogue"
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
-
Mr.Chimney
- Posts: 63
- Joined: April 28th, 2014, 9:09 pm
Re: The Diary of Mr. Chimney
14-May-2014
Weather: gross. Wet, humid, and warm. Breeze was gnarly too. But at least I got to try out the new A/C in the place. Sure enough, it works! Huzzah!
Food: we tried out Warehouse Cafe, a strange little restaurant which I had seen for years passing by on the bus. Seeing as I live near it now, Girlfriend and I went there for breakfast. The potatoes were good and everything was reasonably cheap, which was a good start. Certainly not holding a candle to any of the more exciting breakfast options, but definitely able to compete with the simpler fare. Lunch was a Dagwood courtesy of finally getting the damn saurkraut open. Dinner was at home, because I skipped out on work. My excuse is that I felt sick (day-long headache) and that I wanted a day with Girlfriend because she has to go to her grandparents' town this weekend and I won't see her for a while because of work. We think she may have gotten a better job though, which is a definite plus! So long as I don't develop the complex where I stress about not making enough money and then have weird and painful feelings of failure. This was keenly acute a couple of summers ago when I worked at Starbucks (fuck Starbucks, by the way - few jobs have gotten to me quite like that piece of shit) and girlfriend had a a 9-to-5 retail job. I was being considered for a much better job but they added a requirement to the listing that rendered me ineligible. I banged my head against a pillar in a basement on the day I figured that out.
So, yeah. Work goes to weird places in my mind. I'm one shitty prole, let me tell you that. As I said, I risked inevitable self-loathing in exchange for a night with Girlfriend. We played video games and made dinner and had pie and tea by candlelight on the balcony while some random fireworks were going off. I know it should have been amazing, and it probably was, but I couldn't stop worrying about using that time efficiently and in so doing left myself feeling like the day was wasted and only toil at the warehouse awaits. Old friends will be in town for one day only tomorrow (leaving Friday morning) and I am already trying to squeeze myself into position amongst all of these real and assumed obligations. I feel like I'm being temporally squashed between the realities of work and the desire to see friends. I will feel guilty no matter which option I choose. Excellent. I'm glad Girlfriend is in the loop about my mother abusing my brother. She is good at asking very loaded questions and my mother simply assumes that Girlfriend is making small talk that just happens to brush on hot button issues. It is very effective, but I feel like I'm using the evil techniques my father passed to me as a boy.
I'm going to go cuddle with Girlfriend and listen to the thunderstorm go by. I love thunderstorms, and I love cuddles. Thank God for Girlfriend. Till tomorrow!
Weather: gross. Wet, humid, and warm. Breeze was gnarly too. But at least I got to try out the new A/C in the place. Sure enough, it works! Huzzah!
Food: we tried out Warehouse Cafe, a strange little restaurant which I had seen for years passing by on the bus. Seeing as I live near it now, Girlfriend and I went there for breakfast. The potatoes were good and everything was reasonably cheap, which was a good start. Certainly not holding a candle to any of the more exciting breakfast options, but definitely able to compete with the simpler fare. Lunch was a Dagwood courtesy of finally getting the damn saurkraut open. Dinner was at home, because I skipped out on work. My excuse is that I felt sick (day-long headache) and that I wanted a day with Girlfriend because she has to go to her grandparents' town this weekend and I won't see her for a while because of work. We think she may have gotten a better job though, which is a definite plus! So long as I don't develop the complex where I stress about not making enough money and then have weird and painful feelings of failure. This was keenly acute a couple of summers ago when I worked at Starbucks (fuck Starbucks, by the way - few jobs have gotten to me quite like that piece of shit) and girlfriend had a a 9-to-5 retail job. I was being considered for a much better job but they added a requirement to the listing that rendered me ineligible. I banged my head against a pillar in a basement on the day I figured that out.
So, yeah. Work goes to weird places in my mind. I'm one shitty prole, let me tell you that. As I said, I risked inevitable self-loathing in exchange for a night with Girlfriend. We played video games and made dinner and had pie and tea by candlelight on the balcony while some random fireworks were going off. I know it should have been amazing, and it probably was, but I couldn't stop worrying about using that time efficiently and in so doing left myself feeling like the day was wasted and only toil at the warehouse awaits. Old friends will be in town for one day only tomorrow (leaving Friday morning) and I am already trying to squeeze myself into position amongst all of these real and assumed obligations. I feel like I'm being temporally squashed between the realities of work and the desire to see friends. I will feel guilty no matter which option I choose. Excellent. I'm glad Girlfriend is in the loop about my mother abusing my brother. She is good at asking very loaded questions and my mother simply assumes that Girlfriend is making small talk that just happens to brush on hot button issues. It is very effective, but I feel like I'm using the evil techniques my father passed to me as a boy.
I'm going to go cuddle with Girlfriend and listen to the thunderstorm go by. I love thunderstorms, and I love cuddles. Thank God for Girlfriend. Till tomorrow!
"The Logos of domination has built its system, and what follows is epilogue"
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
-
Mr.Chimney
- Posts: 63
- Joined: April 28th, 2014, 9:09 pm
Re: The Diary of Mr. Chimney
15-May-2014
Thank God for Girlfriend. I was going to go blathering about how frustrating it was at work to ignore the other part of me and the constant intrusive thoughts about committing acts of terrorism it kept suggesting. Yay, government watchlist! Nothing makes my mental state feel better than knowing that, somewhere in some shitty little dingy tech-hole there's a computer red-flagging this right now. I guess now that I'm on the topic and high enough that they won't come up for a while, I can go into a bit more depth about it.
So, I hate Canada. When I'm in a bad way and sort of fugue, I'll often conjure up situations that are deeply unpleasant. Usually this takes the form of strategizing around a hypothetical breakup of the province of Ontario and how a rebellious region could gain independence; weird enough, but implausible and mostly revolving around military tactics rather than hurting anyone. Indeed, these are very clinical...fuguedreams? I guess that's what I'll call them, though combined with fugue it's a bit more complex. Anyways, these are tactics not directly related to the war itself. I usually am in charge of infrastructure and supply lines in these fuguedreams; I do everything except the bookkeeping. In particular, I love drawing out infrastructure developments and industrial reawakenings. I often will combine this with a sort of leading political role and assert recognition of the sovereignty of the nearby Indians while requesting to build an embassy. Drawing together a coalition and supplying that coalition are the bulk of these fuguedreams. Exciting, I know.
Sometimes, though, I guess I just hit a mental state low enough that even that fuguedream is too cheery. In this case I retreat to terrorism game - planning and executing terrorist attacks on various Canadian sites. This started in University; before then, this particular fuguedream was a sort of film-noir story about finding and killing my father. These are far more scary - I see huge weaknesses in Canada's infrastructure and I know that someone could hypothetically do any of the things I have fuguemares (like fuguedreams but worse...? I suck at naming things) about. I worry about having these fuguedreams at all when this sort of thing happens. And it happened. I feel so angry during them. Anger everywhere. It feels good but wrong. I wish I didn't have these fuguedreams at all so I can be more present but I don't know how to not have them. I have for all of my life.
Ooh! Also, I shoplifted today. I've been hitting the same store up over and over again to create a facade that the money that I spend on weed is merely going to my book collection. It's a chain store (I viciously defend small bookstores because they are one of the most relaxing places I know of) so I don't feel too badly, but I really shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't have to be doing this. Normal people do not have to shoplift to be able to spend the money they have earned on things that they need because the shoplifted goods look purchased and thus appear justified to my mother. Who has looked over all of my finances. Repeatedly.
On another note, I get to read a lot of books. I love books. I get this thing where I want to get more books. I think about it and think about it and I resist the urge until I need weed. Why do I have this ritual? Girlfriend set up the bookshelves and it looks like the whole wall. We're getting some chairs from my parents when they come visit in June so soon I will be able to sit in my chair next to my books, (maybe) smoking my pipe and reading. The thought of this is dizzying. What a life I lead.
Oh, and I got to the gym. Weather was gnarly-warm with mad stacks of humidity. Love y'all!
Thank God for Girlfriend. I was going to go blathering about how frustrating it was at work to ignore the other part of me and the constant intrusive thoughts about committing acts of terrorism it kept suggesting. Yay, government watchlist! Nothing makes my mental state feel better than knowing that, somewhere in some shitty little dingy tech-hole there's a computer red-flagging this right now. I guess now that I'm on the topic and high enough that they won't come up for a while, I can go into a bit more depth about it.
So, I hate Canada. When I'm in a bad way and sort of fugue, I'll often conjure up situations that are deeply unpleasant. Usually this takes the form of strategizing around a hypothetical breakup of the province of Ontario and how a rebellious region could gain independence; weird enough, but implausible and mostly revolving around military tactics rather than hurting anyone. Indeed, these are very clinical...fuguedreams? I guess that's what I'll call them, though combined with fugue it's a bit more complex. Anyways, these are tactics not directly related to the war itself. I usually am in charge of infrastructure and supply lines in these fuguedreams; I do everything except the bookkeeping. In particular, I love drawing out infrastructure developments and industrial reawakenings. I often will combine this with a sort of leading political role and assert recognition of the sovereignty of the nearby Indians while requesting to build an embassy. Drawing together a coalition and supplying that coalition are the bulk of these fuguedreams. Exciting, I know.
Sometimes, though, I guess I just hit a mental state low enough that even that fuguedream is too cheery. In this case I retreat to terrorism game - planning and executing terrorist attacks on various Canadian sites. This started in University; before then, this particular fuguedream was a sort of film-noir story about finding and killing my father. These are far more scary - I see huge weaknesses in Canada's infrastructure and I know that someone could hypothetically do any of the things I have fuguemares (like fuguedreams but worse...? I suck at naming things) about. I worry about having these fuguedreams at all when this sort of thing happens. And it happened. I feel so angry during them. Anger everywhere. It feels good but wrong. I wish I didn't have these fuguedreams at all so I can be more present but I don't know how to not have them. I have for all of my life.
Ooh! Also, I shoplifted today. I've been hitting the same store up over and over again to create a facade that the money that I spend on weed is merely going to my book collection. It's a chain store (I viciously defend small bookstores because they are one of the most relaxing places I know of) so I don't feel too badly, but I really shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't have to be doing this. Normal people do not have to shoplift to be able to spend the money they have earned on things that they need because the shoplifted goods look purchased and thus appear justified to my mother. Who has looked over all of my finances. Repeatedly.
On another note, I get to read a lot of books. I love books. I get this thing where I want to get more books. I think about it and think about it and I resist the urge until I need weed. Why do I have this ritual? Girlfriend set up the bookshelves and it looks like the whole wall. We're getting some chairs from my parents when they come visit in June so soon I will be able to sit in my chair next to my books, (maybe) smoking my pipe and reading. The thought of this is dizzying. What a life I lead.
Oh, and I got to the gym. Weather was gnarly-warm with mad stacks of humidity. Love y'all!
"The Logos of domination has built its system, and what follows is epilogue"
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
-
Mr.Chimney
- Posts: 63
- Joined: April 28th, 2014, 9:09 pm
Re: The Diary of Mr. Chimney
16-May-2014
Weather: much better. Much more sweater-weathery, which is awesome. Girlfriend and I played Scrabble on the balcony while the rainstorm came through, and then I went to work and it was balls but I brought the aptly-named Spaceman Spliff and now I am here. I wish I had more self-reflection to think about, but I really don't have the energy. I rather enjoyed listening to the podcast at work though. I tend to do that and it will either fascinate me and let work fly by or cause me to fugue out and retreat to daydreaming or worse at work. It's so weird - we all look the same, doing the same things, but there are little thunderstorms in every single person's head. I spent some time thinking about the storms in everyone else's head - the obvious frustrations and scars that they bear - and it felt like, in a way, we were all being interviewed by a warehouse full of nothing. That was really weird. I also have to feed cats tomorrow, a task which is strangely worrying. One of the cats is very old and I am so scared that it'll choose tomorrow to croak. I just wish these basic tasks would not compel the other part of me to start suggesting terrible things.
I want to drive the Pill Bottle on Wheels.
I also wish I didn't feel like a joke, a dime-store thinker with nary a clever thought and a book collection optimised for appearing smart rather than attaining any sort of relevant or deep knowledge. I wish I had more academic material behind me but I feel like I miss so much in everything I read. It's like chasing farts with a spoon.
*sigh*
Weather: much better. Much more sweater-weathery, which is awesome. Girlfriend and I played Scrabble on the balcony while the rainstorm came through, and then I went to work and it was balls but I brought the aptly-named Spaceman Spliff and now I am here. I wish I had more self-reflection to think about, but I really don't have the energy. I rather enjoyed listening to the podcast at work though. I tend to do that and it will either fascinate me and let work fly by or cause me to fugue out and retreat to daydreaming or worse at work. It's so weird - we all look the same, doing the same things, but there are little thunderstorms in every single person's head. I spent some time thinking about the storms in everyone else's head - the obvious frustrations and scars that they bear - and it felt like, in a way, we were all being interviewed by a warehouse full of nothing. That was really weird. I also have to feed cats tomorrow, a task which is strangely worrying. One of the cats is very old and I am so scared that it'll choose tomorrow to croak. I just wish these basic tasks would not compel the other part of me to start suggesting terrible things.
I want to drive the Pill Bottle on Wheels.
I also wish I didn't feel like a joke, a dime-store thinker with nary a clever thought and a book collection optimised for appearing smart rather than attaining any sort of relevant or deep knowledge. I wish I had more academic material behind me but I feel like I miss so much in everything I read. It's like chasing farts with a spoon.
*sigh*
"The Logos of domination has built its system, and what follows is epilogue"
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
-
Mr.Chimney
- Posts: 63
- Joined: April 28th, 2014, 9:09 pm
Re: The Diary of Mr. Chimney
17-May-2014
Today I watched American Action Man Featuring Godzilla. American Action Man (whose name I have completely forgotten, so we'll call him Max Punchwell) and Generic Sexy Lady were rubbish. Max Punchwell and his stupid GI Joe adventure get in the way of Godzilla, which when actually in the frame there kicks the Earth's ass so hard it will rain toenails and shoe polish for a month. They actually close a door on a fight scene and we see Godzilla biting Acronym Monster as the door shut. That tragic, unacceptable fart in the face of all that is holy and beautiful and monster-punchy-y is now a sort of visual metaphor for how life feels. The plot holes are kind of awkward, too. If they had skipped the plot thing entirely and just went to Godzilla-on-Bad-Guy-of-the-Week action for 2 hours, I think I would be sitting in the theatre waiting for the chance to see it again. Why is it so hard to find a movie that I don't immediately rip to shreds? It's like I can't let myself have any fun so I break my own interests down before I get to enjoy them. Please tell me that that isn't just me that does that.
I also went to the gym today and that felt really good. Girlfriend is away for the weekend at Grandfolkston and I was bored so I shoplifted again. It's really too easy. At any rate, I scored more books. Part of me wants to go tomorrow but I have a rule about that. Maybe I'll go to the used bookstore tomorrow after breakfast with my friend? I started Piketty's work Capital in the Twenty-First Century and so far I am finding a tragic lack of anything new. I can't believe I'm diarying book reviews. My life is dull but it could be much worse. Hugs!
Today I watched American Action Man Featuring Godzilla. American Action Man (whose name I have completely forgotten, so we'll call him Max Punchwell) and Generic Sexy Lady were rubbish. Max Punchwell and his stupid GI Joe adventure get in the way of Godzilla, which when actually in the frame there kicks the Earth's ass so hard it will rain toenails and shoe polish for a month. They actually close a door on a fight scene and we see Godzilla biting Acronym Monster as the door shut. That tragic, unacceptable fart in the face of all that is holy and beautiful and monster-punchy-y is now a sort of visual metaphor for how life feels. The plot holes are kind of awkward, too. If they had skipped the plot thing entirely and just went to Godzilla-on-Bad-Guy-of-the-Week action for 2 hours, I think I would be sitting in the theatre waiting for the chance to see it again. Why is it so hard to find a movie that I don't immediately rip to shreds? It's like I can't let myself have any fun so I break my own interests down before I get to enjoy them. Please tell me that that isn't just me that does that.
I also went to the gym today and that felt really good. Girlfriend is away for the weekend at Grandfolkston and I was bored so I shoplifted again. It's really too easy. At any rate, I scored more books. Part of me wants to go tomorrow but I have a rule about that. Maybe I'll go to the used bookstore tomorrow after breakfast with my friend? I started Piketty's work Capital in the Twenty-First Century and so far I am finding a tragic lack of anything new. I can't believe I'm diarying book reviews. My life is dull but it could be much worse. Hugs!
"The Logos of domination has built its system, and what follows is epilogue"
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107
- Herbert Marcuse, Eros and Civilization, pp: 107